Sometimes i wonder if you are real.I wake up at night with a cold shiver and think of you and if you're nothing but a dream,but i realize you are,my dream,a dream come true and fall back asleep with nothing but the thought of you.When i lie in bed alone,i think of how much i'd love to have you around my arms and feel your warmth heat the very core of me and how much i'd love to have one more chance to stare into your deep blue eyes like the sky on a clear Sunday morning.What we have was something special,something true and filled with nothing but love.I'll admit,it wasn't perfect,nothing is,but you're as close as heaven i ever got to,and i hope the same for you,i hope so.But,why,why did you leave me? Didn't you love me enough to hold on to our love? Did i do something that made you drift away? My mind wonder sometimes in the morning.I'd think of everything,the way i'd talk to you,the way i'd kissed your lips,the way we'd walk together at the park without even one word muttered,hands intertwined as if we were born this way,and i'd wonder,what made you go away?
Haven't i loved you enough?
I'd go to work like every other morning,after a cup of coffee and reminiscing on the way you'd look in mornings such as these,with hair unruly and without even an ounce of make-up and you haven't looked so beautiful in your life.I'd drive to work to the university, that I've work at as one of their most valued lecturer on bio-medical engineering since 20 years ago.With all this knowledge,i'd wonder.Could I've haved save you? Could I've saved us? I'd walk past the massive oak trees that have been here since,ever since our time here,ever since i first saw you.I knew,and i know how cliche it is going to sound,trust me,i know,i knew that you'd be the one that will steal away my heart and never return it,not that i'd wanted it,it was always yours.And i'd see one,near the lake,a bench right under it,and my heart felt like it was going to explode.
That was the one tree that i love and hate at the same time.
We'd spend a lifetime on that bench,with me sitting and you lying on your back with your beautiful brown hair on my lap and we'd stay like that for like,ever,and i remembered one time when you said,"Would we last longer than the yellow leaves on this oak tree?",and i replied,"We would outlive the tree itself",and you'd smile,a smile that would make my heart melt every time.
That was the place where we spent our last day on campus together,you and i sitting with our hands intertwined and your head on my shoulders,your hair smelling like nature,like the earth itself,natural.you'd be talking about your friends,about graduating with a degree in culinary arts,about your future,and then i said,"Can i say something?","Sure",and i blurt out the question as if it was the most natural thing ever,"Would you marry me?".You paused,looking into my eyes,staring directly into my soul and smiled,as if you found something you liked."Sure,why not?",and we kissed,and i was sure,if i didn't feel you in my arms,i'd think it was all a dream.
I stirred,wondering how long has it been.I felt though I've been sitting on this bench for hours,looking at my watch,the watch you gave me on my 34th birthday.An hour.God,my class was going to start in 20 minutes.I ran passing to pathways we've walked together,through corridors we'd been through,and stopped right in front of my hall,and I stopped think about you,not out of impulse,but out of need.And walked in.
After a few hours,i finished my lecture,greeted by my students as they went out while i headed to the new cafe on the north side of the campus for lunch.A sandwich,i muttered,somehow shocked at the question.I'd been sitting in the cafe.I didn't even remember walking here.And an espresso,that should calm my nerves down.Water too.A glass.The waitress went away,with my order and a face looking puzzled at my bewilderment of her presence.I thought about you again,on how you wanted to open a bistro at town,and even though i've always encouraged you to do so,you never did.I'd ask you why,and you simply replied,"Because i love you more than all of my dreams".
You were an amazing cook,dinner was never just meatloaf or spaghetti,you always went all out,and i have always love you for that.We'd sit under the stars or lighted by candlelights,and one time i said,"I never thought i'd be married to a goddess of food",you laughed,looked at me and said,"I never thought i'd be married to a god of love".I felt something hot touched my hands.The espresso.The sandwich and the glass of water was there too.I touched the espresso.A little colder than i expected.How long was i out again? I ate my sandwich and downed the espresso and water as fast as i could.
I went to the staff room and headed to my room.I went in and sat down on the chair.Then,i saw a photo of you,and i just couldn't hold back the tears.I cried,consciously thinking to not be too loud,i don't want to sound like a mad person and attract the attention of the other lecturers.I took that picture when we went to the beach we always go to during the summer.We went there just a week after out visit to the doctor.He said you couldn't get pregnant,and i remembered that day you cried almost the entire day.I'd tried think of everything to cheer you in some way,but couldn't.So i just held your arms and told you everything was going to be alright,even though i wasn't sure.At last,i thought we'd go to the beach to get your mind off of things,and you agreed.We had so much fun that summer.We rented our usual chalet and took walks along the beach,went swimming in the cool ocean,and made campfires,lying together under the stars and made love until dawn greeted us.
It was our last summer there together.
I awoke to a startle.How long was i asleep? An hour,more or less,if my watch wasn't lying.I had some work to do,so i put the picture in the drawer and went by typing,without any distractions.I finished my work in about two hours later and packed my things to go.I walked out the door seeing some of the other rooms were still lighted,the sun was still up,but it was starting to slip into the night,turning the sky orange as it did.My friend,Robert,his room was still lighted.That man and his English lectures was always a favorite among the students.I wanted to greet him but i heard shouting from the room and hesitated,his marriage was not going well considering his acquired taste for young female students.
I walk along the corridors that remind me nothing but you,and a friendly voice greeted me from behind,"How are you,Jim?".Fine,i said,turning.Tim had been a janitor here before i was lecturing here,just after i graduated.We talked for a while,chatting from his health,diabetes was a nuisance to him,to his grandchildren in New York.Out of the blue,he said,"I'm sorry about your wife,Jim.She was a wonderful woman".I was a little stunned,and he finally said what made me cringing with pain."I remember,Jim.Its hard to forget a woman like that,it must be for you.I remember today was your wedding anniversary.She used to come down here every time with you.But...if i brought up any hurt in you,I'm sorry,Jim"."No,its okay.I was just stunned that you still remembered".Laughter followed,but i did feel like laughing,i felt like bursting with pain.We parted our ways after a while,that man was diligent in his work,with a memory of an elephant.
A year it has been.A year.
I walked to my car,with the sun having almost disappear from the horizon.Dusk was settling in,and i felt angry at you,i felt like exploding with anger."Why? That stupid bitch,leaving me,all alone like this,damn her".I managed to calm myself down in my car,cursing myself for ever think of you in such a way.I started the engine,taking a glance at the tree and then distracting myself from it by turning the radio on and drove away from it.
As i drove on,i felt a sense of longing for you.I wanted to see you,at least.The pain in my heart would at least be mended if i saw you.So,i drove on,turning left,stopping,turning right,headed straight,another left,took a right,and there i was.
You were there,as if you you were made of stone,the light in front of you were making you shine as if you were an angel,not that i'm denying it.You were sitting there,just sitting,and i stopped the car,walked out and kept walking till i was behind you.You hair was fluttering in the mild breeze that blew once in a while,and i could smell something familiar,something natural.
"I remembered our last time under our tree,it was like this,around this time,and the breeze was blowing gently.You looked ravishing even though i knew you were in pain.The doctor said you had at least three months,more if you did chemotherapy.But you said that you didn't want your last days spending it in and out of a hospital.I was a little,well...i don't know,angry maybe at your decision,but i respected it.We'd spend our days together,meeting friends and family,telling them of your predicament,and i would hold your hand to all of your last days.You looked beautiful as you always have,your head on my lap,your hair,brown and long,moving in the breeze.You said God had tested you with all sorts of trials and tribulations,but He gave you the most wonderful thing of all to you.Me.I offered a weak smile,thinking that i wanted to go with you.As if you could read my mind,you said,"No,honey,don't.You have to move on.I might be gone.But you would always have memories of me.And you would always have my heart,the one you took,and never gave it back".My eyes welled upped with tears."Seems like this tree will outlive me,damn",you said,looking up the tree."But it failed.It will never outlive us"."
I blinked and you were gone,the sun losing its battle to the night.The sky was almost dark blue,with only a little light at the edge of the horizon."I've become one excellent lecturer,teaching the future with my knowledge,I've taught countless students and learned from a lot from life.But none of my lecturers could taught,none of the book i read could show,how to love.Only you could.So,thank you,for teaching me,and for loving me back.I will always and forever love you,my dear Samantha".
I walked back to my car,the night engulfing me.A breeze blew,and i thought i heard someone said something,far at the end of the cemetery.Smiled,i got into the car,and drove away,leaving her to rest,going back home,to sleep,to dream of someone,that i could only dream of.
