He stood there for a while. Thinking. His eyes were wide open,seeing everything. The guy jogging at top speed,listening to his iPod at an ear-blasting volume. The girl,walking home with a bag from Barnes and Noble,looking pretty pleased with herself. A couple walking together, fingers and hands intertwined like vines up a pole,heading nowhere with no intention of changing their direction.
He saw all this,but he might as well be blind.
He felt a pain surge up his chest. Cold. Hard. He hoped it was a heart attack,thinking it would have been better than what he knew he felt.
Sadness. Bitterness. Hopelessness.
Weak. Ugly. Useless.
All of this was like a bitter pill to swallow, a vitamin he took everyday when he woke up,when he looked in the mirror. He hated mirrors. Even when he was young,he loathed mirrors. He knew, every time he look into one of those, he saw nothing but the worst in him. A pimple,crooked teeth,ugly hair. But now,he saw through all that,deeper into the very core of himself. All he found was nothing. Nothing beautiful. Nothing worth noting. Nothing worthy of praise,admiration or even a pat in the back. He hated himself.
He collapsed to the ground,breaking into silent tears. He had everything he had ever wanted. A job, friends, money, good grades during the sixth grade. Except all those thing never mattered,now he realized. All he had ever wanted is to be able to love himself. To love himself like he loved everyone around him. To be able to accept himself for all that he is, flaws, faults, defects and all.
But he can never do that. Because what he wants actually is not to love himself, but to love his perfect self. The one that is able to talk to people without feeling his throat is about to fall off,to be able to look in the mirror and make a fleet of people swoon, to never ever feel the sadness that lingers around him like a swarm of bees,stinging.
He gathered enough of what was left of him and tried to stand up, succeeding with trembling feet. He looked around,no one near. He wiped the dirt of his pants and returned his composure back. He turned around and headed to the path,and continued walking,as if nothing ever happened.
"Breaking your mind and your heart takes a toll on you. You try and gather all the pieces up and put it all together,but at the end of the day nothing is fixed. You just have this things, broken. You try to make the best of it,doing what you can at first to ignore the truth,then making the best of it,then try your best to destroy yourself,and you repeat the cycle again. Lather,rinse,repeat."
