New Dreams.

Went to Ikea today.
Fun.
Ate meatballs with chips served with this brown sauce which was delicious and this sort of jam...unusual,but good.Bought my new cork board and file thingy.Also bought huge ass bookcase,well,not that huge,but very hard to put together and table for big bro.
Also bought the holy grail of curry puff's,Ikea's curry puff....ahhh,the best in the world,kalah mak cik kat kantin tu tau D?

Listening to Lady Gaga's-Telephone.I love this song.It just makes me feel good cause it channels my anger that i have towards others that i won't mention.They won't reach my 'telephone' that way.
"The number that you have reached is not interested at this time,please check the number or try your call again".

I had this dream once.I just wanted to disappear into thin air.Become nothing.Just walk down the stairs and before i reach down i was gone.Now i have replaced it.

I have this new dream every time i listen to One Republic-Secrets.
I'm myself in this dream,and i go to where i have been,and those i have interacted with there would be there.Waiting somehow.Like schools,vacation spots,my house lastly.And everywhere i go there a part of me is lost,a part of me disappear,literally too.I become almost invisible.
At the end,i run through the forest,and reach this place,quite familiar but never been there.There's a cliff there.I'm still running,And i jumped,very nearly invisible,and i somehow change into myself,but the one i wanted to become not who I'm actually.And before i reach the ocean below,I'm caught by something...guess what....and then i fly to the horizon with...guess who?

Okay,i need to study,tomorrow's exams.One week to go.

Love,
Hiccup.

Endings and Beginnings.

Movies.
I love movies.
And i just hate them too.

I love them cause i picture movies as life simulations.Its like if you put foreign alien robot in cars you get Transformers,if you put a girl who lost her lover and he wrote her letters after he died you get P.S I Love You.
They are what happen if life went like this.Or like that.

But i hate them because every time i watch a movie,i get so consumed in it i feel as if i'm in it,I'm the one who kills this and fight that,you know? And at the end of it its like pulling your computer plug while you are using it,snap.Back to reality that is never fun.

I watched Shrek Forever After and I realized that it was the final trilogy of the movie and it was good,very good actually,and i feel kinda sad and what not but i realized that this may be the ending of this trilogy but it could be the starting of a new one,isn't it?

Haven't you all ever realized that? I always feel like every time one of my old wounds heal,i get a new one.Its because it part of life's deal to us.When one thing ends,a new one takes its place.So it never really an ending,but a new beginning.Its like they all say death is not the end,its because its not,its a new journey.
A new beginning.

I may have realized this but it like only my brain realize it,not my heart.Maybe it take time though.
Oh,and I'm not gonna feel like a victim no more,I will no longer believe that,cause as stated before,when you believe,you are it.So I'm gonna be a survivor.

I can't wait for 2013 :) I'll give a hint,it involves fire and scales.

*listening to See You Tomorrow-John Powell*

P.S:Only sometimes the song i say I'm listening to are really being listened,some I'm hearing them in my thoughts.

Love,
Hiccup.

Cook's Lament.

"I'm hurt.And i can't deal with all of this now.I have to heal.And you are not helping.And you are causing more pain than i can take.So,go.Leave me be.I might seem harsh,i might seem rude but its the only way,for me to get better,and for you not to get hurt."

Cooking.
Love cooking.
Cooked,well,helped cooked fried fish with turmeric and and asam pedas tonight.Yum Yum.
Maybe tomorrow I'll make pancakes,if i can wake up that is.Big if.
I just love making pancakes.Its soooo easy.Before i learned how to make pancakes,i usually make those that you buy,instant pancakes they call,just add water.Now that i think about it,those things were horrible.Its like eating synthetic plastic or something.Now,the recipe for my pancake is soo fucking easy and delicious too,just preparing it takes a little time.Link time.
Ah,i love you Jamie.

Pain.
We all feel it.
Some more than others.
I feel it every time nowadays.
Every time i listen to a song,i remember.Every time i sleep,i remember.Every time i am awake,i remember.
My wish.
Still want it.
Every time i close my eyes,I just want to go there,far away from here.
Its not that i don't care about anything here,it just that I'm not at peace here.
Maybe one day.My favorite song....

*listening to Forbidden Friendship-John Powell*

Love,
Hiccup.

The Borderguard.

"I stand here,in the land,in between.
I am the border guard.I stand between what's real and what's not,between reality and the latter.
I stand on the shores,where the land of reality is hit by the ongoing tide of imagination.
This shores,was once rocks,cliffs,that was hit by once the much more rougher waves.
But now,those rocks,are now are weathered to become sand.
But now,those tidal surges,are now gentle waves.
As much as they fight each other,they know one could not exist without another.
I stand here.Not afraid to get soaked.Not afraid to be coated with sand.
I stand here.The seas are much more powerful than the sands.So let it be.
I am the border guard.I stand here.Ready."

*listening to John Powell-Forbidden Friendship*

Love,
Hiccup.

Songs and wishes.

"Blood gushing out,never stopping,no signs of ever stopping.When will it stop? When will it ever stop? When will i ever find peace?"

Sunday.
What a great day to blog.
If only the exams would suddenly be canceled.
Ooohhh well...

Went to school on Friday.Learned Bio (well more liked played),Add Maths.I also learned that D and watermelons never go well together.

Songs.
Do we ever wonder why we like them?
Why do we prefer this one over that one?
I think its because songs are actually emotions given a voice and a beat.That's why we are somehow attracted to one and not to another.Because it expresses our emotion,of what we want to say but don't have the exact words.

A few week has passed and I've been wondering about something.
Wishes.
I want to start this life experiment.
I've been wishing for something for quite some time and its not just something small like wanting a new phone or something but something big,something i want the most right now.
And i want to see how long i will hold on to this wish.
This wish is very special to me and i won't tell you what it is but I'll give you a clue...

*listening to Somewhere Only We Know-Keane*

Love,
Hiccup.

Shut the f**k up,will you?

Have you watched 'Shoot Em Up' before.Interesting movie.
Did you remember the part where the man talks to the baby about guns and said

".....you should not point this at anything you don't intend to kill..."

To me,words are much,much more deadly.You should not say anything that would hurt anyone if don't intend to.And do not start with me with the whole "Its just a joke ..." routine, i never like those.


Since the past few days,a few people have been commenting about me being friends with the other sex.I don't think its wrong,and i think its good because if i don't befriend girls,do you want to replace them? Do you want to hear me blabber all day long about Lady Gaga and what not instead of football and manly stuff?

I'm guessing not.

Actually,to tell you the truth,i don't pretty much give a s**t about those people,I'm more worried about my girl friends.They are much more important than some bloody people who aren't open minded.I'm scared that I'm more of a nuisance than company.It had happen before and that's why I'm asking to all my girl friends who is reading this blog...

Am i in any way disturbing you in any way or causing you any discomfort with my presence?

If I'm,i can go.I rather hear it from your mouth than the mouth of others.If I'm not,then thank you.I'm only looking for friends and nothing more.

As i stated in one of my past postings,friends are a commodity that i can't afford to lose but if i must then consider that my sacrifice for you,dear friends.

Love,
Hiccup.

*phone ringing*

I always seem to blog in the most inauspicious times.Exams are coming up and i haven't studied a thing.

Did you know that bee stings can cure some ailments? Peculiar.

Well i think my best friend is just like a bee.He is my cure.He hurts me by bringing up and reminding me of my weaknesses and my past.But he also heals me in every way possible and make me live a better life than before.

I think that the part of the heart that interacts with people always get hurt.But the only thing that can cure it is people.Yup.One or many,its up to you.Its like a vaccine.Vaccines are usually made from the viruses themselves.So it all make sense,right?

So,went to Low Yat on Saturday.Its the place where Bill Gates is worshiped like a god and Windows is like the bible or something.Interesting place.Bought my sister's laptop and modem. We also got....














....these.Mine's the black one.My sister's the pink.I know.Matching.Weird.

The new can sometimes be very scary and intimidating but its a fact of life and we must embrace it,no matter what it is,one step at a time.

Love,
Hiccup.

Emotional Outburst.

Have you ever felt more than one more emotion at once?Or two?Or three?Make that four,right?

No more.No more remorse.No more regret.No more guilt.Burn in hell and stay there for all eternity.

I'm going to tell.
Start talking.

This year.Early
Recover.Recovery.
Can't people tell that some wounds will never heal?

So,thought that this year would be different.This year would be better.

The Alliance. (well,that's what i call it)

The Alliance was at the very least still there.I thought it will always be there.

But then,cracks appear,it already appeared before but now it threaten to shatter it entirely.
At first,i chose to ignore it.But it only got worse and the only thing to do was...
Accept.Accept the fact that the Alliance is and will be shattered for ever.

Then,it only became a shard of the Alliance.

Even then,life wouldn't let me rest.Even the shard it choose to shatter.
But nothing i could do but...
Accept.

Then,nothing.No Alliance.Not even a shard of it.
So,what did they expected? Me lying in the gutter somewhere? Not gonna happen in this lifetime.
So,i create new Alliances' with new people.I accepted.I adapted.And i was not going to break down and pray for the future to retrace its steps.Not ever.

Because,somehow,i saw this as a blessing,it made me independent,it made me self-reliant,it made me....free.Free to be what i wanted to be,and what i can become.

So,thank you,for destroying my life,so i create a new one,a better one,a one that does not make me rely on you people.

Emotional Outburst.

Writer's block.More like blogger's block.


Have you ever felt more than one emotion at once?Or two?Or three?Make that four,right?

No more.No more remorse.No more regret.No more guilt.Burn in hell and stay there for all eternity.

I'm going to tell.
Start talking.

Last year.
I couldn't sleep.Went to Mom's room.Planned for the party we were going to have.Went back to my room.Still could sleep.Tomorrow's the big day.Three year of preparation.
Anxiety.Nervous.Pure terror.

"Some wounds heal,some take time,but some,don't heal,they are forgotten,ignored,the only way to deal with the pain.Just like that day."

Dawn struck.Went there.Met friends.Talked about the party.Gave numbers.Wait.Took pictures.
Time came.
"Alaaa,awak jangan risau punya.Mesti dapat punya"
A few seconds later...
*speechlessness from both party,shock towards the other.(I'd sense a sort of a pleased sensation in the other party,but who fucking cares)*
"Takpe,boleh check balik"

Trust me,if the situation above happen in another setting,i would have laugh my fucking head off.But....

Have you ever felt the sense of nothingness? The feeling of your entire body being nothing but air and people can pass right through you? One feeling you don't ever want to get unless your in love.

In shock,although not sadness,not yet.Friend trying to tell other friends to keep it down,not to be too happy,in the presence of someone truly and utterly sad.
(They can't help it,they got what they wanted all along,and i don't even blame them)

Only one thought occurred to me.
Run.Go back.Return.
And so i did.I run.Went back.Holding back my tears until i reached home.
For a day i let sadness take control.It deserve it's day.

Its not that i wasn't grateful,it was i didn't get what i wanted.
Like a kid who wishes for an Iphone but only got a stupid 300 dollar phone.

Life are like knives.They cut you sometimes.But its not the knives we should learn from,its the cuts and how we deal with them and the pain that comes with it.

Similarity in difference.

I always seem to blog in synchronization with my emotions.Only when I feel something that i need to clear out of my heart,it seem to be spilled into my blog.Okay...


I'm blogging this just after (well i didn't finish watching but i already watch it before) watching this movie on HBO titled Front of the Class,based on a real life story about a boy who became teacher and lives with Tourette syndrome (go wiki it up).Its a very interesting story and i found it very inspiring.

While watching this movie,i realized that.....i have an affinity towards the shunned and scorned of society.Not serial killers and rapists,but the good that have been have only been looked by their weaknesses and uniqueness (some called it freakishness,but i prefer the latter),not their strength and abilities.Everyone is born different but some are born with more different-ness,but doesn't mean we should shunned them,we should embrace them because they might have more to give than you think.

Just like Hiccup,just like Brad Cohen (the person the movie was about),i can always feel like i can relate to them,that i have a sort of similarity with their differences,and i feel like they are the only ones that can truly understand my plight.Not to say nobody made an attempt but only those who felt can truly know a sensation.

*sighs*

don't like football or any other sport,very....well lets say high-spirited (instead of crazy,demented,emotionally unstable),prefers Taylor Swift instead of Jay-Z,knowledgeable in womanly affairs,reclusive.

Sometimes i wish i had their weakness instead of mine's,because theirs are much easier to work with and theirs are much more easily labeled.Mine's are just useless and has no known labels.

*sighs*

but nonetheless i won't give up,not after all the shit I've been through.I'm not gonna waste my investment in this life.No.To hell if no one understands me,the only thing i'm understanding is myself,not those who choose to mock my different-ness.If I've been watching my movies right,I think they show me to never give up or lose hope.Because without hope......

what is there to live for.

Love,
Hiccup.