Happy Birthday.

Well,today is my birthday and I'm grateful for a year of joy,sorrow,happiness,anger, friendship,betrayal and the people that made me who I am today,without you guys,i wouldn't have such an awesome possum year(as my sister would have said).

So,thanks to my mom and dad for well...'doing' it and making me present here,thanks for raising me to become the who i'm today.

Thanks to my sister,for making me her protégé and teaching me how to wash my hair properly after going to the swimming pool/beach.

Thanks to my younger sister for making me her evil brother.

Thanks to my brothers for the games,and lots of it throughout the year.

Special thanks to my best friend,Percy and Hiccup,for without you guys,i don't know what i would happen to me,i might have hanged myself.Thanks for never giving up on me and i won't ever forget.

Thanks to Alia,for just being so awesome,just an awesome possum friend.There i said it.

Thanks to D,for teaching me the importance of jelly belly's and eating in class.

Thanks to Afrina,for trusting me with her secrets and telling me the song that has been bugging me cause i didn't know its title,it was Calling You-Kat de Luna.

Thanks to Nad,for being Kuns Bee Loon(as D would have said) and being so petite.

Thanks to Syanaz,for making me feel important and useful for once in my life,and for having a awesome tumblr.

Thanks to Izzat-i,for being gay and all,and for being the rarest thing in my life,a friend,and a guy,at the same time.

Thanks to Arina,which is in Sarawak now,for making me feel at home and and having lunch with me every school day.I'm going to miss that and when you always borrow my Percy Jackson books. :"(

Life means nothing if there is no one around to share it with.

Discovery.

Hey,how are you guys doing? Sorry for not posting for a while,i've just been preoccupied with problems.Problems.too much of it.What problems? Well,thats off limits,cause,one,I'm the type that listens to other peoples problems,not talk about mine.Second,i never talk about my problems,it might be i didn't have much sleep yesterday or something,i just don't because it will show something,something i don't want you to see,weakness.I have so much already obvious,but i do my best to keep most of them to myself.

Well,i didn't came here to talk about my gloom and doom,well,not all of it anyway.

I thought of something today.I just realize that each and every day is the continuous discovery of the things we love.Today,i realize that i love the 6 cheese pizza at Pizza Hut,that i love to watch Bones on Fox,and the fried chicken at A&W.This also include things we have forgotten,and those we choose to.Every day we do a lot,things we love,things we hate,things we feel like both,but we mustn't just be deterred to live it at all,sure life's scary,sure its depressing,but just go on,live,cause every day is different,every day is unique.Life might be bad now,it is fate,but is,not going to be.Just live,cause we will never know what we might find that we'll love,or who.

The Raya Chronicles:The Exodus

I woke up for sahur after only barely sleeping for an hour,had fried rice and the usual milo,then went upstairs and FB-ed a little,chat with my biatch,Alia,then packed like the entire contents of my room in a miserly sized bag.Baju melayu,of course,with samping,last year's baju melayu,outing clothing,jeans,stay-at-home clothes,shorts,undies,a pair of socks(don't know why,i don't even wear sneakers),vital toiletries,chargers,towel and a book,Percy J and The Sea of Monsters.There you go,short,simple and to the point.Then,bathed and played with the pc while waiting for everyone to get ready,then went downstairs to see my sister's friend that came.After that,i helped my insatiable mother to pack everything,i also wrapped the mango fruits from the tree mentioned in 'Yesterday and Today' cause there's bloodthirsty squirrels lingering around and those mangoes are like,well...mangoes to those squirrels.Then,we kicked out my sister's friends and got the family in the car,almost,my brothers are on the next shuttle whereby my elder brother is driving,then off we go,the exodus has finally begun.

I was unconscious throughout the journey cause damn,i was tired,one hour of sleep,damn it.I think we stopped to buy fruits,but hell,we could have been in the Bahamas for all i care.Then,i got up in front of my uncle a.k.a Pak Long's house and we had a little chat,watched his rabbits.Rabbits,and lots of it.A lot.My sister keep saying some of them look like those bunnies you see on batteries,Energizer bunnies.

Then,we went to ze house,my atuk's house,sturdy,same as ever,except for the new fans he put up.Then,blank,sleep deprivation does that to a person.Then,woke up,almost buka puasa,help make sirap bandung,the real shit,not those cheap imitation types.I ate the most delicious chicken ever,it was just...speachless.They bought it while i was dead,and as my sis and i would say it was "juicy,juicyyyy".

Then,went to Wetex,this shopping mall in Muar and i bought a long-sleeved shirt and a T-shirt.Then,went back,cleaned the house a little,ate oranges,watched tv,FB,ate some more oranges,bathed,and here i'm.Well,gotta sleep now,damn,its 4:12,bye now,muax muax.

Gifts.

"I'd always known that I'd love you.From the first moment i saw you,you took more than my breath away.You are a dream,one that i will never wake up from.You are the sun in my face,the wind in my hair and everything that makes me complete.For that,I'll give you gifts,for you to keep.

I'll give you my eyes,so that you have something to stare at when you ever feel lonely or sad,so that you can see the proof of how much i love you.

I'll give you my ears,so that you will have someone to listen to you whenever you have a problem or when you just want to talk,so that you know someone does want to hear your voice that still lingers in my ears.

I'll give you my hands,so you can hold it whenever you feel scared or just need someone to hold to,so that you know there will be someone to catch you if you fall,but will still hold you in case he falls,which fortunately,he does.

and I'll give you my heart,so that you can always feel my love for you,its warmth and so you'd know the very reason it beats,fast or slow,is for you.Unfortunately,i can't give you my heart,because i can't find it,i think you already have it."

Yesterday and today.

Exhausted.Didn't get much sleep today.Went to see my grandmother this morning,we cleaned up,plant a tree and my mom recited the Yassin for her.Didn't know her that much but i still love her and wished she's still here.I remember the day she passed,i was still too young to know what grieving is,the only thing i known is that the van that brought her was the same that was at the mosque where i went to religious school,which i found very odd because it was like a 45 minute drive from my aunt's house where she passed.

Then,after that,we went to my mother's friend's house and bought one of the largest stash of firecrackers...well,we rarely buy these,if we do its just one or two,but damn,it cost 160 ringgit.My mom also bought soap,like he sells soap,J&J...like okay.

After that,i was in and out of consciousness,woke up at a nursery in Bangsar.A plant nursery.Got out of the car and bought some plants.Went inside and then unconscious again.Woke up at another bloody nursery at USJ 12,i think,sleep again.Then a tree woke me up.Mango tree to be precise.My mom just had to buy that tree she wanted.

Then,went back and boy was i tired,i practically fainted on the floor,but my mom and her relentless efforts to spruce up the lawn dragged me out to plant her precious mango tree,first we planted it in a pot,then after much arguing,planted it on the ground.Then we planted a fruit plant,i don't know what's it called in English,mengkudu they call it.Then i went inside lie down on the floor,got up and took a bath,then say good bye to my sis,going back to Banting,then continued on gardening.Then,buka puasa and blah blah blah here i am.

Oh and i had a blast yesterday at my grandaunt's house.Awesome possum,as my sister would have said.She had a birthday party for her grandchildren/buka puasa gathering.Super fun,mingle with la aunt Haliza or Aunty Liz and her daughter,eat and whatnot.Oh,and we played musical chairs,hahahah that was fun.I was the winner against the last year's winner,Aunty Liz.Till next year,Aunty Liz.Ate cake and talk,took pictures,see fireworks,lovely as ever.

Sometimes i wonder the point of living life,the point of continuing on this unrelenting journey filled with...well,shit and stuff.But we often get a remainder why we continue on this epic battle to an uncertain end,because of all the love and loved ones we find and live with on our way.

...

"Anger is nothing but fire,just like any fire.It doesn't just burns the intended,but also the bearer.It consumes everything in its path,leaving nothing but the ashes of sadness and hurt,but underneath those ashes,are embers,embers of hatred and resentment,just waiting,for an opportunity to ignite"

"Humans over complicate things.Thing that are actually simple tend to be so hard,
"That assignment is so hard,I have to do research in the library and...",
"I wanna leave my boyfriend but he's the only one who's been there for me but...",
"Mak nak buat kerja susahlah,nanti mak nak jalan sini sana...".
Its always comes down to a yes or no.Yes or no? Choose,its not that hard,or let fate choose and then regret not choosing.Take your pick.What makes choices hard is that we think so much of others,not that its wrong,being considerate is always a noble value,but its not their choice,its our choice."

"We blindfold ourselves throughout our entire life.We see a problem and blindfold in hopes that it'll go away.We see our mistakes and blindfold to make it'll all just be a distant memory.We see our faults and blindfold in hopes that it'll will correct itself.It won't.We have to learn to take off our blindfolds and acknowledge whatever it is that needed to be.Only then can we move on."

"Now i know why i hate so much about endings.It doesn't matter a book or a movie or a game,it doesn't matter...well...not too much if the ending is sad or happy,i just don't like it anyhow.Its the void that is left after an ending that i hate so.Its the prospect of nothingness after an ending that makes me feel so...well i don't know...sad maybe.That's why i hate beginnings too,for the ending that comes in tow with the void."

"One thing that i always hope to,when i grow up is to never become a shadow of my father.I don't know why i resent him so,maybe is his 'effective' ways towards bringing me up,or maybe his temper,which,i hate to say is passed down the gene pool,or maybe just the nonexistent relationship we have.But one thing is for sure somehow,as much as i may not like him,i must thank him...for making me what i am now (i believe i could have turned just the same without...well you get the idea) and for showing me what i shouldn't be when i grow up.Thanks dad."

"Its funny how words can make you so sad to the point of suicide and so happy to the point of flying of to heaven.Well,i have my fair share of both...well maybe the first one is a tad bit to much but then,who cares anyway.Not you i suppose.
Urgh,still a bit bitter over the comment,a comment,one of many,of me being friends with girls.What the *insert vulgar word here* is wrong? Am i such an abomination towards nature just by being friends with girls,huh? If so,there are much worst things that people do to girls than just being friends.So what,its natural,right,so its okay,is it? What i do maybe is out of the natural norm of men society (i doubt it),but i know its not wrong as long as i know my boundaries.
See when people just be the same,they just become worse in the end,so i think that being different is not unnatural,but nature itself.If humans didn't become different,would they be on top of the food chain now? So now,at humans most hour of need,we need to be different.What is different but another form of change?"

"Pushing yourself to be better is good,but trying to mimic perfection (i.e God) is never good.We have to continue to improve,yet appreciate what we have.Being better is not about achieving above the success of others but achieving above ourselves before.
-For my sister,who i think is the best in the world,no matter what anyone thinks
*cough* my father *cough* "

Forgetful.

"Forget.One of humans flaws.Humans forget the darnest things,like car keys and that book you we're reading,to wedding anniversaries and that important life-changing meeting.Yes,i too,am only human,prone to this flaw once in a while,but how could i forget something that important? How could i forget that?My only answer is that i don't want to.My past is not something i want to remember and unfortunately,you're there.And to me,you're already gone,to a place far away and never to return.So,please,do me a favor,go away,let my memory of you be what that was,not that is,and if i don't say anything,its not that i don't care to,is that i don't want to,my memory wants you but only there,nothing more. So,if you miss the old me,remember me for what i was,not what I am,hope that i will remember you and want you in my life,but unfortunately,i wouldn't hope for a rock to turn to water"

....

Sometimes,I feel so out of place,so lost,so unwanted.I just want to be accepted,be part of the picture,just one of you guys.Sometimes,at night,when I'm all alone,i feel so alone,as much as i try to convince otherwise.I longed for the smallest things,Hi's and hello's,a simple "how are you?",people don't know how good it feels to be acknowledged,to feel you're part of something,that you're not just this person walking down the road,that your life is not meaningless,that you're not just one of a few billions that walk this earth,you're something much more than that,something special in the eyes of others,somebody worth to be recognized,by a few out of those billions of people,that you are you,nothing more to be expected,nothing less to be filled,you don't need to be anybody else to be,that perfect person you are in your own way,that you are no longer that person who is out of place,lost and unwanted,you are the person who is just where he/she should be,no longer lost,no longer unwanted,but most importantly,loved and cared.

Day.

"wake.wake...wake.
I arise from my slumber from a hideous sound from my phone.I knew it would work.Only this song could wake me from such slumber,thank you Lady Gaga.I woke up feeling ever so sluggish but at the very least awake.4:00.There's a reason why i woke up so early,but let that secret be mine to my grave.I felt ever so lazy to go to school,so i ponder on it,whether i should.Whether I'll be excused from school by the Ancients is a different matter,but i,needed a substantial reason not to.A stupid procession at school followed by nothingness or...sleep and relaxation at home?.Well,English would be nice and at least there are friends at school.I never been denied of my request to skip school,but do not abuse the trust bestowed to me.

Two factors that actually effect my judgment are clear.One,I fear for the prosecution of people's judgment on me.People don't realize it but me,i do.I've been judged all through my life an the feeling is not one i wish to instill upon other onto me.Secondly,the thought of not going to school already popped into my head so,dismissing it would be fueling my ancient enemy,regret.I've regretted on a lot of things but I've known that people still judge me for every action i take,so the choice is clear.I made myself comfortable while i read my book 'The Notebook'.

Wake.wake...
I woke yet again to that hideous sound.Ugh,12:30.I woke up earlier but I fell asleep.I continued reading until...oh,such a lovely novel.Just wonderful.Its unusual what love can do.You could have short-term memory loss,get shot in the head with adamantium or in this case,have Alzheimer,love can triumph above all.My heart nearly jumped when i heard the door slammed downstairs.Oh no,maybe its me,I've caused distress onto others.I've always taught that even my presence can cause such things,as if me being here is not wanted,not accepted,a sin.Fortunately,i heard from upstairs there are no screams and shouts,so no anger,so I'm fine.I took a bath before that,listening to Taylor Swift to calm my nerves down.

I did a few things,but nothing special,or homework.But as i write this,i have come to the conclusion that,I'm gonna buy The Book Of Tomorrow by Cecilia Ahern,Percy J And The Titan's Curse by new favorite author Rick Riordan and books from my latest favorite author,Nicholas Sparks,and my day wasn't well spent but not wasted,and decisions must be made based on you,and nobody else,because everybody else can scream and yell whatever,can laugh and chuckle with you,but they will never live with those choices,you do."

"I love you.I always had.There had never been a sense of doubt.And i know,with all my heart,i will till my dying breath,and even after that.You may love me,you may not,but even if you've stopped,love never ends,it doesn't fade,cause i know,I've loved you ever since.My body may be a beach,my mind may be a forest,and my heart may be an ocean,but you would be where the sky and earth meet,where the forest and seas collide,a place where nothing changes,nothing dies,you would be there,my love"

Paint with cement.

Ugh,I'm dying to get to run around my house naked again.Disgusting and disturbing.My house is like a ship wreck site that had been hit by a tsunami.Terrible.The wall are painted this kind of yellow.Ceilings all painted.New garage.and gate.Expanded backyard,well more of a back than a yard.If formaldehyde poisoning doesn't kill me,my disturbed nap time will.I just want my house back,the ship wreck that isn't dripping with wet paint.

I think we'll be having our annular puasa get-to-gather or the raya one,to officially inaugurate our newly splash-painted house that was born out of my father's mind and paycheck.Now that's gonna be hell.If we're having one,i might invite you'll if you'll behave.Stay.Good Boy.

Ugh,I'm going to go loco on you guys.I feel so fucked up and stressed.

My father is giving one of his 'talks' to the dudes who are doing the renovation about our trip to Indonesia that we took last,last,last weekend i think.Wonderful trip.I will not go any deeper or this blog will be filled with all sorts of crap,not like there wasn't any.He usually play my 'card' most often during raya and introduction to new people.The history on my grand operation and intestines are usually presented when I'm introduced,not like anyone wants to know.I have this sort of uncle that usually ask,shamelessly,for me to show my scar when i was little and I fortunately know the norm of society shamefully complied to his every whim.Sounds disgusting,i know.

Changing topic,I can't wait for puasa and raya.All the food and money,well the get-to-gathers too.Its the best.But everything is changing so rapidly i fear that i may never be able to catch up with everything,cherish the moments and let them go all at the same time.I don't want to one day think about my life and regret all the things that i didn't cherish before i lost them.I don't want to remorse on anything in my life ever again.Its like an aging acid,it gets stronger with time.On that happy note,i bid you'll farewell,gonna get my feet soaked for a while and let the problems wash away in the dirt.

Love,
Hiccup.

Night owl.

"....feet.in the grass.nothing but bare feet.how the earth feels.how its life emitting,how its regenerative nature heals even us humans.how lovely it is to be here.ah,the sun.isn't it lovely? how it burns my skin,making me feel so alive,so alight with new life,new hope,new dreams.its lovely here,especially,well...."

After all that darkness,its nice to get some light.Well,as you can see,I'm somewhere new,where my dreams are,I move with them,now I'm here.Its so far away,away from everything,well,almost.Got great wireless here,somehow.


Went out yesterday,late in the fucking night,over dramatic much.Hanging out with me sis and her boy-friend.It was okay.Went to watch Eclipse.It wasn't as bad as i thought it would be.Jacob is so cute in wolf form,awww.I know,sickening.But overall i think it was great,its about choices,and which one we should make and want to.Sometimes it may not always be easy but we'll get through.

Watched The Proposal too this week.Da bomb.I like it.I think i just love love stories,especially the ones that shows love is sneaky,it always seem to find you somebody unexpected.I hope one day i can live in one of those movies.

Went also to watch Toy Story 3.Sounding more and more like a reviewer by the second,i know but i just can help it.Found it very touching somehow.I think its because the first movie was i think is the first movie i could ever remember clearly
and now it has already ended.I loved it though.

I've realized that my emotions are linked to the movie i watch.If the movie is saddening to me then i feel like crying,if the movie is happy to me then...you get the picture right? The reason i say to me is that some of the movies aren't really sad but its meaning to me makes me a little blue.Not Avatar blue though :).Well,have to go to lunch,I'm famished.Let's get out of the grass for a while.Just a while.

Love,
Hiccup.

Bullet to the brain.Claws to the heart.

"The mind.It does the most wonderful things.It help us innovate our lives,improving our vast knowledge on life,aiding us in our survival.But most importantly it helps us remember.Our childhood,unimaginable amount of knowledge,our future plans,our ancient memories of unprecedented happiness or sorrow,where we put our car keys.Of all these things,all we will forget in time.Time will wither even the toughest memories.But one thing we will never forget,love.Why?.Unfortunately,even the mind forgets love but it has a helping hand,something that will never forget a thing even if we have short term memory loss.The heart.The heart never forgets.We may forget many things,but not love, never.Many thing will go,die,wither away,but not love,that's why even when a person dies,we can feel it's presence,cause love just don't die,man may,but not love.
The heart may stop beating but it never forgets."

Gloves.

"Gloves.Once,I had gloves.Not many.But all of them just doesn't feel right.Some were tight.While others were loose.But they kept me warm through the cold night,so my hands still reach for them no matter what.But one day,somehow,I lost a few pairs.My hands were left to be ravaged by the cold unforgiving winter chill.I searched for a fire but that only burned me when i got close.I was almost frostbitten but then,as if by magic,I found a few pairs that fit,well,not perfectly,but much better than the old ones.Much better.I learned to always know that i may not have these gloves forever and learn to have resistance against the cold.So tell me,what would you if someone gave you a pair of your old glove in place for your much better new ones?
Would you take them?"

Check.

"Went through a suicidal phase for quite some time.
Went through a clean freak phase once upon a time.
Went through more than one depressing moment in life.
Lost so many hopes and dreams throughout life.
Been saved a little more than once.
Managed to have new and reform old hopes and dreams.
Manage to restore what was lost and learn to believe."


Do you smile? Well..? I may not have so much to smile about but at least i am smiling. I have this unusual feeling nowadays,never before i felt.On some occasions when i smile,i can feel it stretching,you know,my grin becoming bigger on conscious.The sensation of being happy just by,well,being happy.It's an extraordinary sensation,when your average smile stretches beyond its usual limit.It's just plain ecstasy.

Well,i'm going to Indonesia for a few days,just exploring other lands.I've never been outside of this country so wish me luck.Shit,i haven't even packed yet and i'm going like in 13 hours.So,better start filling my Louis Vuitton.

Just kidding.I'll bring back a maid for each of you,okay?

Nectar and ambrosia.

Your favorite blogger is back from the dead,well,more or less.

I'm sorry for the lack of posts nowadays,its just I'm not easily inspired these days.I've been moping around the house not doing much.

I've been reading Percy J and The Lightning Thief like crazy.I read it like three times! Okay now that's obsessive.I've been praying to get out of this house to buy the next one but unfortunately no luck.Maybe bad reception or something.

Anyway,I haven't even started on my homework and the holidays are nearly over.Basically,I don't even know what my homework is.

The only interesting thing that happened to me this week is the dream i had about moving to Korea.Why Korea? Don't ask me,i don't even know.

Okay,I'm going back to Camp Half-Blood and Berk now,while the holidays are still here,sorry about the half-hearted post,I'm just well,not inspired that much,blog you later.

Love,
Hiccup.

Rerun.

"History has a habit of repeating itself"

*sigh*

Let's start from last Tuesday.Went to Immigrations Department.Never thought anybody could died of boredom.Well,nobody did but why take the chance.The only interesting thing that happened there was this one time,we where waiting for our number to come,in the almost still silence,the person at the counter announced..."Siti Nurhaliza,Kaunter 10" and everybody started to chuckle.It was pretty funny when the person was not exactly the singer herself.I couldn't imagine the feelings of the poor girl who had to answer that call with her father.Oh,how humiliating.Later,had breakfast while waiting for my passport which was ready pretty fast.

Then,went to SJMC,which is now SDMC due to the fact of Sime Darby taking over.Oh,what memories i had there.For those who don't know,well...i don't divulge on my past that often to people so basically everyone,i practically stayed there once upon a time.Had this disease which...well let's not talk about that,let's just say I'm better now.Waited like a very restless teenager who was fugly tired caused by waking up so early in the morning,in which sleeping late does not help,and making it sinful cause its the holidays,oh.. for my mother's checkup.Well,its for my mother so it was okay.At least i got a Mars bar later,that made my day.

Let us not forget about yesterday.

Went to Sunway,had fun.Went shopping for a new purse.Watched a movie,a malay movie to be precise,don't get me wrong,i support my people's movie but they have a tendency of fucking them up with their lame jokes and stupidity,thinking it would attract people to watch.Well that sure backfired.So i resented to watch this movie but whoa was i wrong,well it wasn't bad as i thought,okay i admit,it was good,for a change once.It was 'Lagenda Budak Setan' but it had not much devilishness in it,more towards love and romance.You should watch it,it was great.There was supposed to be Zera there with us so it was basically a boy's day out halfway through our day.Later,we went to Zera and then Alia came so it was not that manly after that.Talked at Manhattan about gossips and controversies among our ilk.Had a fun day,well almost.My happy mood was totally smacked far of the wall when i was waiting for my ride.

My mother kept calling me where to pick me up and i kept saying at the new wing,and she kept calling and calling.At last i had to walk to the other end of the fucking building just to get to the car,and of course i was pissed,and my brother did not make it any more the better.Ugh.

Bought new books,the long awaited True Singapore Ghost Stories series 20 and Percy Jackson.By now i already finished Percy J's book.The book was great,i always had a fascination about Greek mythology so it was just like....just like H again,he reminded me of...remember the similarity in difference post...yes that.I choose that book because of the fact that it reminded me of me,sort of.

Just in H,just in Percy,i saw myself,i saw who I'm now,weak,naive and down right stupid.But,i saw them succeeding,triumphant over their adversity and i somehow longed for it.I want to be them in a way.I don't want to be....me,its not that i don't accept my fate,is just that fate has been battering hard on me and i get a hopeless a lot in my life but them,they managed to rise above it all and somehow made it.What made me like them more is that they are normal,well not like other heroes who somehow seem like they were destined to be heroes,they made themselves from normality to become heroes.I wanted that.Still do.And i just feel so hopeless,so lost,so....me.

The First.

"Love.Simple yet complicated.Neither perfect nor flawed.Its not about rainbows and happily-ever-afters.You have to work for love.You may get hit with a hockey stick or have to carry a drunk women through the streets of New York but who said it was gonna be easy.Love is the most wonderful feeling to ever be felt as a human being.Those who say love is like a nightmare has either never experience love or has been stripped away of their love."

I saw again what inspired me to make this blog and my first ever post.

It was a movie.
My Sassy Girl.
One of my favorites.
I love that movie.It shows sometimes when we think our live are fine,it can get better or worse.And it is so sweet how sometimes life can unite two unlikely people together by the bonds of love.

Love is ancient.It has been here as long as time is.Its like Stonehenge,old,very unusual and down right weird.For those who don't know its usage will think its useless,but for those who do,will certainly cherish it as if life itself.

The thing i don't like about that movie is Jordan's (the girl) view of fate.She leaves everything to fate as if it was a secretary.I don't see fate as glyphs written permanently on stone,unchangeable and unknown,i see it as a blind person sewing,you know you are sewing,you plan what you are sewing,but you don't know exactly how its gonna turn out cause you can't see.You have to sew if you want to get what you sew,get it?


I once had a diary.I wrote there just...well almost like i wrote everything in this blog.There are some personal details that should not be mentioned.

I looked at it again after a while of not opening it after the movie and i was very surprised on how far have i changed since last year.Its like i didn't even knew who wrote the words in there.I wore my first post in there too.Its like i feel different,stronger,better and a little more wiser than before.But life seem much more complicated now.I just sometimes want to go far away from here.I love it here but its just too hard to live here,too complex.At least there my dreams would come true.
My wish.
Berk.

Love,
Hiccup.

Pause.

"...I'll sit on the front porch all night,waist deep in thought because....when i think of you,i don't feel so alone,i don't so alone,i don't feel so alone.As many time as i blink,I'll think of you tonight.I'll think of you tonight..."

Vanilla Twilight-Owl City.

I love love songs.
But I have this habit of not viewing it not as it's should be.
Only sometimes I see them as a song from a lover to another lover but most of the time (well,nowadays) i see them as a friend to a friend.
I think love is like DNA,the basis of it is a person loving another,just like DNA has genetic materials.
But everyone in this world does not have the same DNA,just like love,you don't love this person the same way another person love that person.
You may like this person as a friend but what does another think?
That's why love songs have a different effect on me,i can bend its meaning to anyone intended for it.

Haven't blog in a while,its just that i feel so distracted.If i don't blog for a while and I'm at home,call the ambulance or a psychiatrist cause something might be wrong there.
Mostly up here.

I'll attempt to fill as much as i can in this one post.

After i went to Ikea,a crack appeared on my father's car and he thinks we,my brother and I did it.I'm like defensive and all because i know we didn't and couldn't crack it even if we wanted to.
Firstly,the crack was on the front mirror,how the hell did we did that if the box never even got close to it(well,close enough to crack)?

Secondly,the box was bloody heavy,even two people had to struggle to carry it inside,how the hell did we lift it high enough(without noticing) the crack?

Thirdly,the point of fracture was circular and small,how the fuck does a box can make a circular fracture point? Its square and large.Don't forget heavy.It should have shatter the fucking mirror to bits if it hit it,not a tiny crack.

Always fight if you are right,you may lose,don't get me wrong,sometimes the truth don't win,but you will have peace of mind that you were not wrong and fought for it.


On the same day,i saw this show on Discovery Channel about a man who had a sky diving accident and got stuck in the ocean.At night,he was struggling to stay afloat and he saw this thing from afar and thought it was a salt water alligator.He tried to swim but the thing got close and turns out it was a log.A log.In the middle of the ocean.
Sometimes God doesn't give us what we want,but what we need.That man wanted a search party but got a log.He didn't want it but need it to stay afloat.
To survive.

I wanted to survive alone on this earth but God gave me instead an imaginary friend.At first i was like "Why?",but as i read my old diary (i'll blog about that later),i realized that it was perfect for me,for somebody who thought his imagination to run wild,to have such a friend cause only i can make him real friend by belief which i needed the most then.

So remember,God has a plan for all of us with everything He gives,so don't see the mirror as cracked,see it as not shattered entirely.Then you will see His grand plan.

Love,
Hiccup

New Dreams.

Went to Ikea today.
Fun.
Ate meatballs with chips served with this brown sauce which was delicious and this sort of jam...unusual,but good.Bought my new cork board and file thingy.Also bought huge ass bookcase,well,not that huge,but very hard to put together and table for big bro.
Also bought the holy grail of curry puff's,Ikea's curry puff....ahhh,the best in the world,kalah mak cik kat kantin tu tau D?

Listening to Lady Gaga's-Telephone.I love this song.It just makes me feel good cause it channels my anger that i have towards others that i won't mention.They won't reach my 'telephone' that way.
"The number that you have reached is not interested at this time,please check the number or try your call again".

I had this dream once.I just wanted to disappear into thin air.Become nothing.Just walk down the stairs and before i reach down i was gone.Now i have replaced it.

I have this new dream every time i listen to One Republic-Secrets.
I'm myself in this dream,and i go to where i have been,and those i have interacted with there would be there.Waiting somehow.Like schools,vacation spots,my house lastly.And everywhere i go there a part of me is lost,a part of me disappear,literally too.I become almost invisible.
At the end,i run through the forest,and reach this place,quite familiar but never been there.There's a cliff there.I'm still running,And i jumped,very nearly invisible,and i somehow change into myself,but the one i wanted to become not who I'm actually.And before i reach the ocean below,I'm caught by something...guess what....and then i fly to the horizon with...guess who?

Okay,i need to study,tomorrow's exams.One week to go.

Love,
Hiccup.

Endings and Beginnings.

Movies.
I love movies.
And i just hate them too.

I love them cause i picture movies as life simulations.Its like if you put foreign alien robot in cars you get Transformers,if you put a girl who lost her lover and he wrote her letters after he died you get P.S I Love You.
They are what happen if life went like this.Or like that.

But i hate them because every time i watch a movie,i get so consumed in it i feel as if i'm in it,I'm the one who kills this and fight that,you know? And at the end of it its like pulling your computer plug while you are using it,snap.Back to reality that is never fun.

I watched Shrek Forever After and I realized that it was the final trilogy of the movie and it was good,very good actually,and i feel kinda sad and what not but i realized that this may be the ending of this trilogy but it could be the starting of a new one,isn't it?

Haven't you all ever realized that? I always feel like every time one of my old wounds heal,i get a new one.Its because it part of life's deal to us.When one thing ends,a new one takes its place.So it never really an ending,but a new beginning.Its like they all say death is not the end,its because its not,its a new journey.
A new beginning.

I may have realized this but it like only my brain realize it,not my heart.Maybe it take time though.
Oh,and I'm not gonna feel like a victim no more,I will no longer believe that,cause as stated before,when you believe,you are it.So I'm gonna be a survivor.

I can't wait for 2013 :) I'll give a hint,it involves fire and scales.

*listening to See You Tomorrow-John Powell*

P.S:Only sometimes the song i say I'm listening to are really being listened,some I'm hearing them in my thoughts.

Love,
Hiccup.

Cook's Lament.

"I'm hurt.And i can't deal with all of this now.I have to heal.And you are not helping.And you are causing more pain than i can take.So,go.Leave me be.I might seem harsh,i might seem rude but its the only way,for me to get better,and for you not to get hurt."

Cooking.
Love cooking.
Cooked,well,helped cooked fried fish with turmeric and and asam pedas tonight.Yum Yum.
Maybe tomorrow I'll make pancakes,if i can wake up that is.Big if.
I just love making pancakes.Its soooo easy.Before i learned how to make pancakes,i usually make those that you buy,instant pancakes they call,just add water.Now that i think about it,those things were horrible.Its like eating synthetic plastic or something.Now,the recipe for my pancake is soo fucking easy and delicious too,just preparing it takes a little time.Link time.
Ah,i love you Jamie.

Pain.
We all feel it.
Some more than others.
I feel it every time nowadays.
Every time i listen to a song,i remember.Every time i sleep,i remember.Every time i am awake,i remember.
My wish.
Still want it.
Every time i close my eyes,I just want to go there,far away from here.
Its not that i don't care about anything here,it just that I'm not at peace here.
Maybe one day.My favorite song....

*listening to Forbidden Friendship-John Powell*

Love,
Hiccup.

The Borderguard.

"I stand here,in the land,in between.
I am the border guard.I stand between what's real and what's not,between reality and the latter.
I stand on the shores,where the land of reality is hit by the ongoing tide of imagination.
This shores,was once rocks,cliffs,that was hit by once the much more rougher waves.
But now,those rocks,are now are weathered to become sand.
But now,those tidal surges,are now gentle waves.
As much as they fight each other,they know one could not exist without another.
I stand here.Not afraid to get soaked.Not afraid to be coated with sand.
I stand here.The seas are much more powerful than the sands.So let it be.
I am the border guard.I stand here.Ready."

*listening to John Powell-Forbidden Friendship*

Love,
Hiccup.

Songs and wishes.

"Blood gushing out,never stopping,no signs of ever stopping.When will it stop? When will it ever stop? When will i ever find peace?"

Sunday.
What a great day to blog.
If only the exams would suddenly be canceled.
Ooohhh well...

Went to school on Friday.Learned Bio (well more liked played),Add Maths.I also learned that D and watermelons never go well together.

Songs.
Do we ever wonder why we like them?
Why do we prefer this one over that one?
I think its because songs are actually emotions given a voice and a beat.That's why we are somehow attracted to one and not to another.Because it expresses our emotion,of what we want to say but don't have the exact words.

A few week has passed and I've been wondering about something.
Wishes.
I want to start this life experiment.
I've been wishing for something for quite some time and its not just something small like wanting a new phone or something but something big,something i want the most right now.
And i want to see how long i will hold on to this wish.
This wish is very special to me and i won't tell you what it is but I'll give you a clue...

*listening to Somewhere Only We Know-Keane*

Love,
Hiccup.

Shut the f**k up,will you?

Have you watched 'Shoot Em Up' before.Interesting movie.
Did you remember the part where the man talks to the baby about guns and said

".....you should not point this at anything you don't intend to kill..."

To me,words are much,much more deadly.You should not say anything that would hurt anyone if don't intend to.And do not start with me with the whole "Its just a joke ..." routine, i never like those.


Since the past few days,a few people have been commenting about me being friends with the other sex.I don't think its wrong,and i think its good because if i don't befriend girls,do you want to replace them? Do you want to hear me blabber all day long about Lady Gaga and what not instead of football and manly stuff?

I'm guessing not.

Actually,to tell you the truth,i don't pretty much give a s**t about those people,I'm more worried about my girl friends.They are much more important than some bloody people who aren't open minded.I'm scared that I'm more of a nuisance than company.It had happen before and that's why I'm asking to all my girl friends who is reading this blog...

Am i in any way disturbing you in any way or causing you any discomfort with my presence?

If I'm,i can go.I rather hear it from your mouth than the mouth of others.If I'm not,then thank you.I'm only looking for friends and nothing more.

As i stated in one of my past postings,friends are a commodity that i can't afford to lose but if i must then consider that my sacrifice for you,dear friends.

Love,
Hiccup.

*phone ringing*

I always seem to blog in the most inauspicious times.Exams are coming up and i haven't studied a thing.

Did you know that bee stings can cure some ailments? Peculiar.

Well i think my best friend is just like a bee.He is my cure.He hurts me by bringing up and reminding me of my weaknesses and my past.But he also heals me in every way possible and make me live a better life than before.

I think that the part of the heart that interacts with people always get hurt.But the only thing that can cure it is people.Yup.One or many,its up to you.Its like a vaccine.Vaccines are usually made from the viruses themselves.So it all make sense,right?

So,went to Low Yat on Saturday.Its the place where Bill Gates is worshiped like a god and Windows is like the bible or something.Interesting place.Bought my sister's laptop and modem. We also got....














....these.Mine's the black one.My sister's the pink.I know.Matching.Weird.

The new can sometimes be very scary and intimidating but its a fact of life and we must embrace it,no matter what it is,one step at a time.

Love,
Hiccup.

Emotional Outburst.

Have you ever felt more than one more emotion at once?Or two?Or three?Make that four,right?

No more.No more remorse.No more regret.No more guilt.Burn in hell and stay there for all eternity.

I'm going to tell.
Start talking.

This year.Early
Recover.Recovery.
Can't people tell that some wounds will never heal?

So,thought that this year would be different.This year would be better.

The Alliance. (well,that's what i call it)

The Alliance was at the very least still there.I thought it will always be there.

But then,cracks appear,it already appeared before but now it threaten to shatter it entirely.
At first,i chose to ignore it.But it only got worse and the only thing to do was...
Accept.Accept the fact that the Alliance is and will be shattered for ever.

Then,it only became a shard of the Alliance.

Even then,life wouldn't let me rest.Even the shard it choose to shatter.
But nothing i could do but...
Accept.

Then,nothing.No Alliance.Not even a shard of it.
So,what did they expected? Me lying in the gutter somewhere? Not gonna happen in this lifetime.
So,i create new Alliances' with new people.I accepted.I adapted.And i was not going to break down and pray for the future to retrace its steps.Not ever.

Because,somehow,i saw this as a blessing,it made me independent,it made me self-reliant,it made me....free.Free to be what i wanted to be,and what i can become.

So,thank you,for destroying my life,so i create a new one,a better one,a one that does not make me rely on you people.

Emotional Outburst.

Writer's block.More like blogger's block.


Have you ever felt more than one emotion at once?Or two?Or three?Make that four,right?

No more.No more remorse.No more regret.No more guilt.Burn in hell and stay there for all eternity.

I'm going to tell.
Start talking.

Last year.
I couldn't sleep.Went to Mom's room.Planned for the party we were going to have.Went back to my room.Still could sleep.Tomorrow's the big day.Three year of preparation.
Anxiety.Nervous.Pure terror.

"Some wounds heal,some take time,but some,don't heal,they are forgotten,ignored,the only way to deal with the pain.Just like that day."

Dawn struck.Went there.Met friends.Talked about the party.Gave numbers.Wait.Took pictures.
Time came.
"Alaaa,awak jangan risau punya.Mesti dapat punya"
A few seconds later...
*speechlessness from both party,shock towards the other.(I'd sense a sort of a pleased sensation in the other party,but who fucking cares)*
"Takpe,boleh check balik"

Trust me,if the situation above happen in another setting,i would have laugh my fucking head off.But....

Have you ever felt the sense of nothingness? The feeling of your entire body being nothing but air and people can pass right through you? One feeling you don't ever want to get unless your in love.

In shock,although not sadness,not yet.Friend trying to tell other friends to keep it down,not to be too happy,in the presence of someone truly and utterly sad.
(They can't help it,they got what they wanted all along,and i don't even blame them)

Only one thought occurred to me.
Run.Go back.Return.
And so i did.I run.Went back.Holding back my tears until i reached home.
For a day i let sadness take control.It deserve it's day.

Its not that i wasn't grateful,it was i didn't get what i wanted.
Like a kid who wishes for an Iphone but only got a stupid 300 dollar phone.

Life are like knives.They cut you sometimes.But its not the knives we should learn from,its the cuts and how we deal with them and the pain that comes with it.

Similarity in difference.

I always seem to blog in synchronization with my emotions.Only when I feel something that i need to clear out of my heart,it seem to be spilled into my blog.Okay...


I'm blogging this just after (well i didn't finish watching but i already watch it before) watching this movie on HBO titled Front of the Class,based on a real life story about a boy who became teacher and lives with Tourette syndrome (go wiki it up).Its a very interesting story and i found it very inspiring.

While watching this movie,i realized that.....i have an affinity towards the shunned and scorned of society.Not serial killers and rapists,but the good that have been have only been looked by their weaknesses and uniqueness (some called it freakishness,but i prefer the latter),not their strength and abilities.Everyone is born different but some are born with more different-ness,but doesn't mean we should shunned them,we should embrace them because they might have more to give than you think.

Just like Hiccup,just like Brad Cohen (the person the movie was about),i can always feel like i can relate to them,that i have a sort of similarity with their differences,and i feel like they are the only ones that can truly understand my plight.Not to say nobody made an attempt but only those who felt can truly know a sensation.

*sighs*

don't like football or any other sport,very....well lets say high-spirited (instead of crazy,demented,emotionally unstable),prefers Taylor Swift instead of Jay-Z,knowledgeable in womanly affairs,reclusive.

Sometimes i wish i had their weakness instead of mine's,because theirs are much easier to work with and theirs are much more easily labeled.Mine's are just useless and has no known labels.

*sighs*

but nonetheless i won't give up,not after all the shit I've been through.I'm not gonna waste my investment in this life.No.To hell if no one understands me,the only thing i'm understanding is myself,not those who choose to mock my different-ness.If I've been watching my movies right,I think they show me to never give up or lose hope.Because without hope......

what is there to live for.

Love,
Hiccup.

Please,can I turn around?

"It stills hurt when I look to the sky.It reminds me of you.Don't know why it hurts.But no matter whatever happens,I won't forget you,I'll never stop believing you.And,maybe,one day,tomorrow,next week,next year or in the next life,I will join you,up there,flying with you,together,only be separated by God and gravity.But not today.Not now.So be it.But one day..."

*sighs*

Okay,I remembered something that happened to me I think 2 years ago,can't remember when it happen but what happen I remembered in high definition.

We were visiting family members,friends,and long lost aunts during raya and on our way my mother was frantically trying to find our bearings and when we did we we were not that sure.So I said,"Never mind,if we took the wrong turn we can still turn around",but my mother insisted and said it would be hard as we were on the highway.I,don't know what possessed me,sternly said we can turn around.

I think,its because i wanted it,that option,that choice,to turn around if things went wrong,that option to change the course of my life if i felt necessary.I wanted that option.Surely we all have choices,in the situation above we could turn around if we took the wrong turn but we feel like that was not a choice at all,and even if we felt like turning around was a choice,it would be as if jumping of a plane with an umbrella,ludicrous.Any and every choice we make would have its pros and cons,but that's the risk of making choices.

So always feel,no,always know that you always have a choice,you always have an alternative if you feel like the first choice is not to your liking.Some might think that when you went for fashion design/decided to play the piano/bought that red top at Elle was a stupid and crazy decision but its not their decision to make.Its yours.I think they don't mean to disagree with your choices,they just care so much for your well being or scared to make those choices themselves.

So,go,make that choice,go,buy that top at Elle,let them feel your bravery and confidence and maybe one day they'll share it with you.And if you ever feel that your choice is wrong,then you will have to realize and face the risk of making choices,that you might have to face the hardship of.....


turning around.


Love,
Hiccup.

Ocean of belief.

"The heart.
Like an ocean.
Deep.
At times its waters turbulent,at times calm.
At times its waters cold,at times warm.
Not many can dive there or be let to.
Its waters,sacred to its owner.
Clean and pristine,or dirty and defiled.
Even let be dive there,not many can survive.
Nor comprehend its waters."

*sigh*

I want to be a Viking teenager (and also part Elven),living on an island,riding dragons,exploring the bounties of nature,living off the land.

Wild imagination,huh?

There is nothing wrong with imagining,hoping or dreaming.

After much thinking,I have found the gateway to let imaginations and dreams run rampant in our so called reality.Its the important component towards everything we have done and everything we are going to do.Not the only component but a vital one.

Belief.

If you want to be a topless belly dancer at the heart of the Swiss Alps,
If you want to be a mermaid living in the Sahara desert,
If you want to find the cure for PMS,
If you want to be a Viking teenager and riding dragons,
To start it off,all you have to do is....
believe.

Its like trying to nail a nail on a wall,belief is the hammer to knock it hard on the wall.
The effort that you put in to knocking it,that is hard work and sacrifices.

No matter how many times you've fallen towards the ground because of life,no matter how much weight your carrying on your shoulders,no matter how hard life throw at you its lemons,
If you believe you can be better,
The veil between reality and dreams will be blurred.
And the impossible will die,
in turn its place will be taken by the possible.

And you will rise from the darkness of your life,into the light.
And your burden will become as light as air.
And you take those lemons and make some lemonades.

Just like that Glee song,'Don't Stop Believing',
don't stop.
When you stop believing,i assure you,life won't get any better,happier or more fulfilled.

And always live your life to the fullest.People say that time is like gold.
Imagine this,if you have all the gold in the world,but never use it.Then,what's the point of having them in the first place.
So,its not about how much time do you have,its about how you use it.

*listening to Charice feat Iyaz-Pyramid*

Love,Hiccup.

Post Overdrive

Been posting a lot these days.Too much on my mind.I have to clear the clutter and where else is better than a blog...

I have been searching the reason for me being here,suffering like hell in this life and then i realised something I'd realise before but didn't took any notice.Somebody,being very anonymous stated that I was "really open minded etc" and that made me realise that to me,i wasn't the open minded person as the person stated.This reached to the conclusion that my life is devoted to helping others.Not in a nurse or volunteer type of way but in my own way.

I could give strength to others but have none of my own.I could comfort people in distress but not when I'm in it.I could inspire people to be better in their lives but not be any better in mine.Its like i could talk the talk but couldn't walk the walk,get it?

Okay,next topic.I said to someone that you should believe in the impossible to make it possible but I somehow know its hard because its very hard to believe when you know deep down it could just go sour for you.But,you have to try,try to believe.Only then dreams can claw their way up from the pits of your mind and into the light of reality.

Next,I overheard a friend being hurt by someone close to her,a friend most likely and i couldn't help her at that time because she doesn't want me to but i could at least give her something to help her here.

Okay,always,i mean,always remember to add "human " in every 'equation' that involves them (Whoaaa,very mathematical,i know).In equation i mean interaction. Don't trust,love,care or befriend someone entirely.I don't mean to not trust or love anybody,I'm just saying that what you are loving,trusting,caring is humans,one of the most non-perfect creature in the world.So if they betray,cheat or lie to you is their nature to do so.So,never give all your love,trust or friendship to someone so you don't get hurt the next time but give enough to make sure that they don't have a reason to hurt you.Never dwell on the past and always look to the future,love.
Just like my idol,HHH III.Think of the things that have left,not what you've lost.

I have always find comfort in hearing other people's problem as i do when i'm talking about them.Its like when i solve your problems,i get closer to solve mine.So,if you ever need an ear to listen,i'm always here,lending mine,making sure my purpose in life is fulfilled.

*listening to Taylor Swift-Fearless*

Lies and Thumbdrives

Okayyyy...in an attempt to feel normal back,I'm blogging about other stuff,okay?

*listening to Taylor Swift-The Best Day*

Dedicated to my mother dearest,
Happy Birthday.
"I could give you the sky,the earth and everything in between,
but what would all of that mean without my daunting love for you."

Okay,last Tuesday i practically stole my brother's thumbdrive to *thud-thud*(read last post).......give D and N H.T.T.Y.D.Okay,telling with faster pace....

borrowed without asking.
transferred data to computer to put H.T.T.Y.D.
gave to N next day.
gave to D next day.
later,father ask where is it.
lying,telling idk
cannot transfer data back cause computer fucked up.
panicking at the sight of brother coming back on Friday.
bla bla bla now i'm fine.

Lying is like a web.Weave it at the right time and you might catch the thing you want.But,the web might break or catch you in the end.Sooo,be like me...lie when necessary but make sure the truth is there to free you if you get caught.I'd ask you to stop lying to make things easier but knowing humans.......well,lying isn't always bad,its also the half-brother of imagination.
Imaginations are lies too,only instead to other people,this web is for you.So,be careful....as stated,webs break.

H.T.T.Y.D.

*listening to Lady Antebellum-Need You Now*


*breathing heavily*


*sigh*


First things first,thanks to Diana,Nadirah,Adrina,and Alia.Those ears you lend to me was really appreciated and I thought you should know that ears are a precious gift you can give to people.It's better that a nose,noses are just so....well,nosey.

So,as you can see...still not cured.Thanks to D my ailment now has an acronym.For your information,H.T.T.Y.D doesn't scare me okay (D still picturing me running around the lab, screaming,huh?).
Its not scary at all,its just that when i see,think,picture,imagine or relate anything to H.T.T.Y.D,

*thud-thud*

It hurts.Its like hiting a brick wall.It remainds me that...

It hurts living in this thing you people call a body and living a life close enough for the devil to call its home.
It hurts trying to cope with everything people throw at you and expect you to catch them.
It hurts trying to adapt to surroundings that changes every second.
It hurts trying to lift yourself up when things are at its lowest.
It hurts just to breathe.
It hurts being me.

*thud-thud*

As i'm typing,the rain is pouring outside,thunder shakes the earth.
Thunder.
'The offspring of lightning and death'. *thud-thud*

Every day,
every time i look up to the sky *thud-thud*

Today,it got worse as i entered MPH and saw the book about H.T.T.Y.D.
Imagine a 747 falling on you in a bookstore.*thud-thud-thud*

I just want life to be a little easier,less stressful,more hopeful,and down right like in H.T.T.Y.D.
Simple.Easy,To the point.
I just want somebody to be loyal to me and to be loyal at,to be with me through thick and thin,to stand by me whatever the situation.(I just can't trust humans as well as i did,they just too....)

IS THAT SO F**KING TOO MUCH TO ASK,HUH?!!!!!

*sigh*

Usually,before i sleep i sing to myself just to relax before escaping to anywhere and everywhere.

Nowadays,i either trying to comfort myself with words that do nothing or failing at that and sleeping in a pool of tears.

'thank you for summing that up' *thud-thud*

Hiccup Horrendous Haddock III

* listening to Kesha-'Your Love Is My Drug' *


To my non-existent readers,hi...

To those that are close to me,you know that i have been having some problems with my noggin these days or as i like to call it 'an allergic reaction to imagination'.

To those who might be wondering about my title,it's all related to my problems,including my last post.

To explain thoroughly about my problems,you'd better read the Oxford Dictionary,it's shorter. Let's just say that that my reality took arms against my dreams,imaginations and hopes.But now they have agreed to live with each other than to be at war.

Okay,this is what i felt:

"My life sucks".

This is what i feel now:

"My life sucked".

And this is what i'm gonna do:

"My life will never suck again"


Simple,isn't it?

But i'm not exactly cured yet.I know how to cure myself but haven't found the cure yet.

But still I would like to say thanks to Hiccup for helping me in my time of need and i can safely and confidently say that....

"I love you,Hiccup......as my idol,as my friend, and as your own self"

People might say you don't actually exist in real life,but as long as you're in my heart and in my dreams.....



you are as real as anyone can be.....

Dragons

Been posting a lot these days....



but this one i feel i must post it,not willingly.I just have to say it out loud or type it.....









Recently i been having these unusual obsession with......



























The movie 'How To Train Your Dragon'. Well,it might not be that serious to some but to me it feels...kinda weird.I just love its main character 'Hiccup' and also how the movie ends.





To me i feel just like Hiccup,so alone,out of place from our surroundings,not following the status quo,just trying to fit in. I also see a lot in him that i want to be. Brave,loyal,trustworthy,strong in the face of adversity,forgiving,kind,determined.





I think the movie's ending was one of the best I have ever seen in a supposedly children's movie.





Here's a bit of it: After fighting the dragon that was causing fear in all the other dragons and indirectly effecting the Vikings,Hiccup finds himself in his room,wounded and accompanied by his pet,Toothless.He sees the dragon being very excited at his awakening and climbs off the bed.

He then sees his one of his foot has been replaced by a prosthetic leg.He takes a few steps then stumbles only to be caught by his trusting pet with its head (you will see that he is just the same as Toothless,needing one another to help each other to walk/fly).He then walks outside to see his villagers living and building their village revolving around the dragons they once used to fear.Bla bla bla....the end.



Its one of the most interesting ending because it shows that in life,there are no perfect endings to the story of life.It can get pretty close to it but not exactly the real deal.It also shows that everything has a price,in this case a foot for a not-an-exactly happy ending.



And i just love Hiccup and Toothless,they are just so cuteeeeee. :)

The 'S' word.

STRESS.SHIT.STRESS.SHIT.STRESS

Urggggghhhhhh!!!!!!

I'm stressed about everything today.

stressaboutlearning.stressabouthomework.stressaboutfriends.
stressaboutteachers.stressaboutfamily.
stressabouthome.stressaboutbody.stressaboutmind.
stressaboutsoul.stressaboutholiday.stressabouteverything.
stressaboutstress.

I'M FUCKING STRESS EVEN ABOUT THE HOLIDAYS!!!!(its just a two day break actually)

I nearly had a heart attack as i went to school this morning but i was okay then. (seriously)

It all started during Agama when my boiling point reached its maximum point. (went crazy for a while)

But then,ooohhh,but then during Physics I think I had lost it.Of course I didn't show it but damn was i really screwed up at that time.I could have burn and killed our entire class in the lab. (drama queen)

Urghhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!

huh...

chill.take a chill pill,son.

*swallowing large pill*

ahhhhhhh.

much better.

Okay,now I'm gonna go building jumping with no rope or safety attire.

Post-mortem

After a long drought of postings, a rain of opportunity has arisen.

My last post was to channel my emotions away from me into a far away land that i don't really care where. And i think they died there because,thank God,i don't feel them anymore. They have been replaced by an i-don't-care-about-you-anymore feeling.

As i push away all my homework aside,changes are rapidly taking over.
Trimmed hair,cut nails,buying books,learning something new,making new friends,seeing people past me by.

What do i do?
In the face of changes,what do you do?
I have an intense fear of cockroaches,interacting with people,death,and changes.
I try to cope with everything in life, its like every time i try, it crumbles like a soft cookie dipped in milk.

And in an unrelated topic at all,i don't think i like counseling sessions.I have never been to one but i don't......its like you and a pot of tea. Do you pour tea for complete and utter strangers?

Showbiz.

I'm a good actor.



Today I saw the sky in all its glory.It was just beautiful.But yet I was not ecstatic.Recently i don't feel happy at all.I feel so consumed by dread and sorrow.I don't know how to say this.I feel like crying tears of blood.This year has been the saddest year in my life.

Maybe i'm being just a little dramatic but friends keep going and going for the past two months till i feel so lost now.I just don't know what to do.I feel like screaming and begging them "STOP,DON'T GO!!!", but you can't stop them from doing whats right.Seeing them go one by one is as painful as being stabbed.They always say "We'll still be friends,don't worry :)",but it will never be the same.Never.I know a little too well.They have befriended me for quite some time and even though sometimes we'll be a little distant,i know i can always count on them.

Now,most of them have gone and some will be going soon.A punishment from above.I have always thought that i was fated to suffer for others.Seems like it.When they go,i'll say my goodbyes,wish them well and make peace with my soul.They'll ask "Will you be fine being alone?".I'll say that i'll be just fine.What they didn't know is.......









I'm a good actor.

Fate.

I think I'm quite cruel and heartless towards my little sister.Its not that I want to be,its just that I can't help it.If I have it my way,the thought of it will never even cross my mind.I think its because of long term exposure to extreme amount of depression.Most of all I think its because I don't want her to ever,ever be like me.I don't want her to be destroyed by hopes,killed by sadness or murdered by everyone around her.

I never want her to ever be burdened by the type of sadness that I had to carry and the one that I'm going to.Its unbearable to feel this pain.It never goes away,it just stays there.The thought of ending this pain has cross my mind too many times.Thinking about God,my family and my friends is the only thing that is stopping me.

But now without enough of the second part around me,my soul is getting weaker.It may not even last the night.But what can I do? I can't change the mind that is not mine.If I can,I would do anything to make them stay but I'm letting them go only because its for their own good.Its the only thing that is making me let go of their hand.

I know this seems so dramatic and emo shit but I value true friends as a rare and valuable commodity.I hope you all go with a part of me and come back with your success.Now the only thing that I can do to hold back this tears is to be thankful for what I have left and pray to be granted strength in my time of need.

Serenity.

I want to get a fitful rest but I can never achieve it. Sure I do sleep but,I act as if working,not with a peace of mind. As if I'm lying on a bed of nails. I really,really want to sleep in peace,but not like a dead person. It's the only place where my dreams come true,where my mistakes can be erased with ease,where my fears can be destroyed with just opening my eyes. Things like these would be as close to impossible in reality as they can be.