Remember Me?

It's 3:17 in the morning as i am writing this, I just finished watching The Fault In Our Stars, and my room is dim, and i am just a lost person.

God, I don't know who read all the things that i write on here, i always assume no one ever read these things i write.

But, i hope, who ever you are, may it be Atikah, my most treasured fan, to my family, when they read this when they have long buried me deep in the ground, or some random stranger who by the darnest chance happen to stumble and see these strings of words that form my thoughts, my hope, my love, everything i am; that I, even if i never get a moment to form a simple thought about you, I truly and with my whole heart, love you.

You ever get that feeling before you get sick that you kinda 'know' you're sick?  Well, i just want to say i told you so. Some days I could wake up and the day would be as normal as it can be, but in between, just like a car with engine problems, you get this moments of.... i can't explain it. A mixture of pain, horror, rage, anger, sadness, bitterness, madness, insanity, self-pity, all jumbled together to make one big ball of mess. And I just can't function.

Do you know how hard it is to function, to keep a straight face when you insides feel like it's going to explode? I have to do that every day. To add insult to injury, I am a mess when it comes to desires. I always want what i can't or shouldn't have.

I always thought about death. The natural non-suicidal kind, mind you. Life for me is like going to a long war. You always have to keep your guard up, watching for things that try to fuck you up. And at the end there is death, the big white flag at the of the war. You don't know if you've won or not, but you are just happy the battle's over.

Watching TFIOS made me realize what the hell is wrong with me. I just want love. That's it. Diagnosis done, get your medication down at the dispensary, son.  But you try and try, and i am so tired of trying. I picture one day I'll be sitting next to whoever that loves me, someone who takes me and everything i am, and make life worth all of it. And i just know i am dreaming a little too much.

God, i have no idea what i am rambling about.

I try to imagine what Hazel from the movie feels, losing someone i love. And since i don't have anybody to call my own, I picture losing the first woman i ever loved. My mother. And i hate that i have dreamed it before. God, when it happens, ripping my heart out would hurt less.

The fact that she would be gone is one thing, But to walk down a street and see her favourite food or a blouse she would like and know that I can never share her warm smile, hear what she would say, hold her close, smell her perfume, not one thing i can have with her anymore. Now that, would kill me. I am a very imaginative person, and I know my imagination would keep her alive. But like everything, you can only imagine things so far till you hit reality. And reality hurts.

All in all, what the hell am I saying? I think what I am trying to say is I don't want to give up this life yet. I have done so much to get this far, and i just want something in return.  I just want to be happy with someone and dance at the beach to Bob Acri- Sleep Away, the song i strictly reserve to dance with someone that loves me more than chocolates and ice cream. I want it to hurt them if I go just as much as it hurts me if they go. I want someone to remember me by, just in case i forget who i am. Which i do quite often.

Rendered and Eviscerated.

I'm a blank slate. I just don't know what to say anymore. I have no more words to offer people. No more words I can say to myself. As a solace. As a comfort. I have nothing, and everything. I stand, a testament that dead people can walk and talk.

I've been fighting my whole life. It's all I have ever done. It's all I have ever known. And now I am just tired. Exhausted. And to breathe seems like going to war. To wake from my bed seems like try to catch air with a net. Pointless. What's the point of rising if in reality you haven't moved at all?

I'm sick. Sick of who I am. An abomination. I have no place in the company of man. I've held out this long because I thought my strength was enough to quell my demons. But I was poorly mistaken. You can't destroy an enemy that's knows you too well.

God, I will never place a blame on You nor anyone else. The fault is mine and mine alone. I'm sorry about the way things turned out. My love for You will not falter. Too bad my imperfections was my downfall. I beg for mercy and compassion. Though I feel I deserve none.

Now, I lay, weary and defenceless. I just want to be at peace. From thoughts that corrupt. From desires that are impure. From a life that is no longer fit to be called as such.

Break

Grace cleared her desk as best as she could. It was always a mess. The paperwork on that new overseas branch in China was basically her tablecloth. Good thing she was done with that pesky auditing yesterday or she would need a search team and three bloodhounds to find even a drawer of her desk. Well, her desk is always like this, she thought, might as well keep it that way. She arranged the papers in an order only she understood and when she felt like it was to her pleasure, she turned off her computer and grabbed her bag and headed for the door.

She didn't really like driving to work because of the traffic jam she had to deal with every morning that made her both wanting to scream and pull her hair out and just crash into all the cars in her sight. But she kept doing so as she had no other mode of transportation and teleportation is not an option she had. Though, nights when she had to work overtime like this made it okay as she like driving down nearly empty roads with the music out loud, singing her heart out. She finds it therapeutic, in a sense. But, she liked commuting to work when she drove with Jason. He makes traffic jams all seem like friendly people who are happy to see you in the morning. not those people that honk at you 27 times just because you won't move that 2 inches of space the car ahead of hers just freed. Maybe because he was the one that drives.

She got out of the building and headed for the car in the parking lot. She had only 2 things on her mind, a hot shower and a kiss from Jason, maybe a little more than that if she felt like it. Yeah, that's a good way to end the day. Better step on the pedal then, she thought.


After driving for about 20 minutes, Grace reached home in record time, with a slight sore throat from all those pop songs blasting through her speakers. She saw Jason's bike parked outside her house. He usually got home earlier than she did. Her terrace house had been her home for 3 years now since she moved from her hometown to pursue her dream of climbing up the corporate ladder and becoming successful, the dream now pretty much her reality as she is a leading executive in a rising international freight company. Though she had gotten used to the usual looks from nosy relatives during the occasional weddings and Christmas gatherings about her male-dominated occupation, it was still better than the looks she received when told she is still single.

Many others, including Jason himself found it hard to believe that the woman who is living the high life in front of them is approaching 30. She thanked her mom's good genes of making women in her family age gracefully and her dad's ever determined zeal to succeed. She still remembered her father cheering her on as she ran at her kindergarten sports day in the 100 meter race as if she is competing in the Olympics. He may have been a little over the top sometimes but her dad had been her personal cheerleader, supporting her in everything she did.

She parked her car right in front of Jason's bike, its orange and yellow stripes shining in the light of her car. She made extra effort not to hit it accidentally. "She's my baby, right after you, of course", he said once. She got out of the car and went to the bike. Weird, she thought, he usually parks his baby very properly. Maybe he was in a hurry or something.

Grace headed straight to the front door, with the foliage surrounding her house making her feel right at home. The front porch light was turned on, so Jason must be here. Going inside, she thought Jason would be right in front of the door, as he does most of the time but he wasn't there. He said he could smell her at the door just like a freshly baked pizza being delivered by the delivery guy. She didn't know what to think of that notion, though she felt it was a compliment.

"Jason?", she asked the seemingly empty house, quietly waiting for a reply. Nothing. "Jason, are you in the bathroom?", she shouted louder. Still nothing. Abducted by aliens, maybe. Or sleeping. She took off her shoes and went upstairs. Slowly creaking the bedroom door open, she half anticipated him snoring on the bed, the other half waiting for him to jump out and scare her from the bathroom. Empty. The bed looking just as she left it this morning, with the pillows and sheets all tucked neatly. Where could he be?

She headed back downstairs, checking the kitchen for any signs of him. Everything was there, except for Jason. Sitting on the chair at the center of the kitchen, she wondered where could he be. After grabbing a glass of water, she went to the living room. Wanting to drown the silence, she tried to turn on the tv but wondering where Jason is made her think otherwise. Maybe he went for a walk, she thought.

Suddenly she saw something that caught her eye on the floor. A pill. One of Jason's nicotine pills. He usually keeps it inside a breath mint box. One day, out of curiosity that can no longer be contained, she asked him why he always seem to eat mints. He said '"They aren't mints, it's for my smoking". He said he quit a while back but still needed the pills. "Oh, that explains why your breath is never minty fresh when i kiss you". He laughed, the laugh that made her smile every time she hears it

While wondering why it was on the floor, she saw that there were more on the floor. She bend down and search the floor for the box. She found it underneath the couch, with something else. A piece of paper. She read its contents and placed it in her pocket. She took all the scattered pills and gathered them. Heading for the door, she grabbed her coat, put on her flats and headed out the door in a hurry. All of a sudden, she knew where Jason was, or at least, where he might be.


She jogs regularly around her neighborhood during the weekends. A lake nearby looks spectacular in the mornings where the sky is just clear enough. But now, there should be nothing much there other than the light of park lamps. Jason been there a few times and loves it. "I just have a thing for bodies of water. They are just so calming and majestic.", he once said at the lake, while looking at Grace. "What?! I'm not a body of water! Well, technically i am filled with water....but that's beside the point. Are you saying i'm fat?". "And how did you come to that conclusion? I just thought you looked beautiful just like the seas and the oceans under the setting sun, that's all.", he said defensively. "Ugh, i hate it when you do that. Annoy me and make me love you at the same time. Makes me want to slap you.", she said, fuming. "That's my specialty, babe.", he said as he drew closer for a kiss but she managed to dodge it and escape the grasp of her captor.

She searched around in the night, surrounded by trees and the darkness of night. She paced quickly down the path surrounding the lake. And there she found her knight in shinning armor, all clad in black on the bench under the yellow light of an incandescent lamp, staring into the obsidian lake. She walked slowly and sat next to him on the bench. "Hi." "Hello.", he said rather blankly. She tried to get a glimpse of his face. Not a happy face, she thought silently. Jason's eyes were red, either he hadn't sleep for a while, had a go at some alcohol, been pepper sprayed by someone or he had been crying before. She assumed some of them to be correct.

He was holding a rock, as if waiting for the right time to skip across the water and let it sink beneath the water. She was frantically trying to think of something to say, at which in the end she just felt like she should just keep quite for a while. Silence surrounded them and for a while both of them just sat there without a need to say anything.

"Good day at work?", he asked as if to draw less attention to himself. "Yeah, okay, hectic but could have been worse." "Hmmm, what else could be worse?" he said while letting out a sigh and she suddenly felt the desire to retract her statement. "Yeah, i think you dropped your 'mints' on the floor. Here you go." He took the box and held it in his palm with his other hand holding the rock. He got up and threw both the rock and the box into the lake, where they would lie together forever. "I hate mints", he mumbled under his breath as he sat back down again.

"Well, some people like mints, while others just have bad breath so they need mints", she said to him with an ounce of innuendo in her words. He chuckled once, indicating he knew what she was saying. "You're saying i have bad breath now, do you?" He stood up again and got to the edge of the water. " Why can't I for once just be....ugh....", he said as he tried to contain his frustration. Jason squatted down, with his hands on his head, and he felt like the world was spinning and standing still at the same time. He felt powerless to make himself feel better about...himself.

Grace just sat there, doing her best to just be there for Jason. "I've been trying to hide it from you but i just can't do it anymore. I love you, I do. But I just don't want you to have to deal with me and all the shit that i happen to have. I just feel like i'm breaking apart", he sat back down on the bench with his head down to the ground. Suddenly the silence came back and they both sat in silence for a moment in each other's company.

Moving closer to Jason, Grace then grabbed his hand and leaned beside him. "Did you remember the time when we fought in your apartment. I remember. I was having a bad day with work and stuff. Something started our argument. I think it was you not doing the dishes. You kept calm while i was just losing it. I just couldn't keep my cool. Suddenly you grab your keys and just left. And i was just there, all alone and i just regretted all the things i had said. And i just cried all alone in your room. And the thought of losing you just made me cried harder. After a while, you came back, and you brought back ice cream from the store. I had mention i wanted ice cream before our argument. And i just hugged you and i never wanted to let you go." Jason just held her hand and he kissed it. "I remember", he said, smiling.

"When i had my bad days, you were the one that helped me see things through. You were there. And now, i am here. For you. And I love you, everything you are, with all of my heart.", she said with tears in her eyes. He hugged her and whispered, " I love you too".

"Come, lets go home", Grace got up and tried to pull him up. Jason got up put his arms around her. They both walked down the dimly lit path together. She stopped abruptly. "Oh, you are gonna need your 'mints' back", she took out a handful of them from her pocket, with its prescription slip. "For your information, they are usually called antidepressants. God, luckily i didn't ask from you one.", she said, laughing. "Oh, I have another box of real mints in case someone asked for some. I thought you would have guessed why i carry two mint boxes." "Yeah. God, you are just weird. Good thing you're my weirdo.", she said, wrapping herself around his arms.

He stopped and turned to face her, kissing her in the dark. "Best antidepressant around", he said, smiling. "Yeah, I've been waiting for my dose for a long while. I wouldn't mind an overdose.", she said as she kissed him again.

Average?

Yes, I am a guy who watches obsessively Phineas and Ferb nearly everyday all day, tends to a garden and finds chick lit a little more than entertaining than the usual male specimen. That's just who i am. And I like who i am, most of the time. To tell you the truth, i don't know how the hell i got the way i am. But what i do know is i am definitely not the average joe. I am just one weird motherf**ker.

Even with all the weird shit i do, i always wonder why people seem to steer away from me. Do i have body odour or something? Well, i do, at times, but that doesn't explain why i seem to repel people like a magnet? I wonder with a certain degree of amazement and utter bewilderment. Because i try with a fevorous zeal to make people like me. I do. I make small talk. I make jokes. I get intimate (well, as intimate as i want). I listen. I make an impression. I remember to at least try to be good person.

But it seems I always get thrown back into an ocean of undesirable fishes as if i meant nothing to most people. And trust me, it gets increasingly depressing to try to make friends but i still do try at times. Don't get me wrong, i do have very good friends that i find to be the most wonderful people i have ever met, but a high percentage seem to either have severe amnesia or maybe just hate me silently. I'm guessing it's the amnesia, i should think twice before i invite people to go anvil hanging.

*sigh*

Or maybe i'm just dull and boring? Nah, that's not it. I'll admit, I am antisocial at times but when you get me going i am just a party animal. *growls sensually*

I had this friend, a girl, and we are like super close back in high school. Well, maybe that's just me. Anyway, we went our separate ways and i spent a year away from home at matrics where i rarely talk to her cause i don't own a laptop then and i could only borrow it from my darling roommate Rashdan at times and even that i didn't dare ask him for internet because i didn't want to push my luck.

Blablabla then i got out and i tried to reconnect with her. I tried to chat with her every chance i got and all i got was halfhearted replies and it was just me trying rather desperately to keep the conversation going. I tried and tried and then finally i just stopped trying. I just got tired of investing my emotion. I don't blame her much, maybe we were no longer on the same terms or anything. But i just hate it when people i value drift apart from me like clouds in the sky. It makes me sad.

Last week or so, it was her birthday and i wanted to wish her so badly but i just couldn't. I just felt like it was a waste of my time. And now that it passed, i felt kinda bad that i didn't. Alia, if you're reading this somehow, happy birthday.

I call these group of people 'The Lost Ones'. People who meant something to me but we drift apart as what fate has written for us. I have a few more people, some i tried to reconnect the same way but apparently i had lost them too, but i'd rather not mention. I guess God has plans for all of us. I just wished He would give me a heads up on those stuff.

Ahhh, actually the reason why i started to write this post was because i read this article on why girls only seem to date bad guys and stuff like that. Hahaha. It turned out to be something else entirely.

I always think myself as a good guy and one thing is for sure is that i personally don't care if girls prefer bad guys over good ones. Why do i want to change my good self just to get chicks? I'd consider it if that girl happens to be Megan Fox but other than that i won't do it. Some consider being bad or a player or whatever kids these days say to be cool and whatnot, but i think being good is the best way to get the right girl. Basically by being good you eliminate all other potential unstable and crazy girls that like them bad boys and attract all them good kind of girls that  you wanna marry and have babies and shit.

That to me seems like a good thing. I'd rather get rejected a hundred times by girls rather than mistreating and possibly missing my chance at one good catch. Well, that's how i see it. I don't know how i'd feel after having being rejected by a hundred girls but i'll let you know if i ever get there.

Till then, i just have to be the same old me. Weird, childish, loner, know-it-all, strongly opinionated (someone actually told my sister that i am a very opinionated person. god, i never knew i was one), joker, and pretty much an awesome person in my opinion. And above all, not your average everyday kind of guy.

Night

I love the night. And i love watching tv shows at night. My favourite midnight tv binge is either NCIS or Bones. But i abso-fucking-lutly love Bones a little too much. It's like...i just love watching Emily Deschanel and David Boreanaz together. They make the perfect couple. Ahhhh, one's a tough, witty and funny FBI agent while the other is a smart, awkward, strictly-no-bullshit anthropologist slash partner in solving crime. I could just marry them both, which i know sounds very weird but that's how much i am in love with them. Hahaha. They just have this opposites attract kinda thing going on and i just want that to happen to me.

*sigh*

Though the main reason i love the night is because there's no one up. I can be free to do what i want. And no one's there to judge me or look at me weirdly when i jump up and down like a madman when they both be all romantic and shit. Yeah, i do that all the time watching them, deal with it.

I am just free. Free from things that i have to keep secret just because i have to to seem appropriate. I can do whatever the fuck i want and no one's there to make me feel like i am not good enough, like i am worth nothing, that I will never be anything but a miserable piece of shit.

*an even louder sigh*

Sorry about the cursing. I had a little thing happened to me today and it's been making me feel like shit. People don't understand and they never will. I feel like screaming and pulling out my fucking hair or something just to add to my dramatic-ness. I am just not perfect and never will be. And just because i may not seem holy or shit that does not mean i love God any less.

To tell you the truth, i absolutely love Him. I have my imperfections and stuff but i truly do love Him. He was the one that protected me all this while. He was there when my cries where unheard by human ears. He was the one that carried me on through days that i couldn't bare to stand.

People made me question the only person that i could trust. Myself. Then they left me alone

And, as we are being blunt, i even contemplated suicide once, or twice, because the pain was no longer bearable. I planned it all in my head. I didn't care about anyone else or anything in this world. But because of Him, i held back. I realized that this life was not mine, It was His and only He had the right to claim it, not me. And because of that, I loved Him.

He guided a lost soul back on the right path. And I will always I love him more than anything in this world.

I know who i am, more than i care to. I have so many inner demons inside me that i am losing this battle, My battle. And as the days grow dim, and everyone turning their backs and their blind eyes to me, He has never forsaken me. Not for a second. And for that i still stand, to fight on for another day. So yeah, i may not be His most pious servant but do not ever dare say anything against me and God. Everyone has their own battle and i always try to see it from their side of things.

And on my parents, they may have not been perfect but i have never wished ill on them, both of them, and will never do. And on the occasions that i pray, i pray for both of them. Even though my dad may not be the best one in the world I haven't done anything to intentionally hurt him. I pray that he finds the right path again and becomes the leader we need. I love him, though maybe not as much as my mom, sorry about that. But i do, and i pray that heaven not only be their permanent abode, that it beckons them both to enter. So, sorry for the one thing that i did unintentionally to hurt him. Maybe i am bad, who the fuck knows anyway. But one thing for sure is that I am not perfect, and i will never be. You and I will just have to deal with that fact in our own way.


*one super relieved sigh*

I know it seems all jumbled up and non-linear and stuff, but it all matters to me, and i had to get that of my chest. Wow, now i do seem like i am mad, but i am just confused and frustrated and angry, at the world and at myself. Good thing i am sane enough to not go on a killing spree. Life is hard being me. Or anyone else for that matter. But we keep our heads held high and keep on fighting, right?

And I know how it seems, what does all of this have to do with late night tv watching anyway? Only at night can i think straight enough to enjoy the company of one of the most important people in my life. I can tend to his wound and cheer him up when he gets down. I make him laugh and cry and let him feel all his emotions and let him know it is alright to feel the way he feels, because that is just how the way life goes. I bring him all together and make him see himself as not not a broken person, but a person who is constantly being better than before.

Only at night can i enjoy the company of my own self.

Define me

As always, late at night. I'll try and keep things short.

Religion is a very touchy subject that i tend to avoid talking about in here. I don't know why. Maybe because i wasn't much of a religious person back then, so i kinda don't want to rock any boats, mine or anyone's. But to tell you the truth, now that i look back, maybe i was a tad bit religious, at least in thought, but not so much in practice.

I am a Muslim, and i am proud of it. Basic bombing technique was my favourite subject back in Islamic school. Haha. God, talk about giving us a bad reputation. Someone went kaboom and just because he was Muslim, every one of us just happens to have our private stash of C4.

The reason i am blogging about this because i saw this video about a guy converting to Islam that my sister shared on facebook and i was cringing throughout it. Why, i wondered. Most likely it is because i am very sociophobic or something and watching people trying to give live responses makes me nervous all of a sudden. But i thought, could there be another reason? Did i dislike my religion or something?

No, i actually love it more now than ever. I even have a beard, albeit a small one, to prove it. I know, a beard does not make a religion. Maybe this is why i rarely talk in here about religion. So hard to make the topic interesting with my brand of humor and sarcasm without being insulting. Anyway,then why was it so hard for me to finish that video?

My other prevailing theory is that i picture myself in their shoes. Here you are, just choosing to change every aspect of your life by adopting a new religion. I imagine how hard that might have been, to take a leap of faith (literally) and restructuring everything you are to this new thing. I can't even choose a different flavour of ice cream without standing for 10 minutes in front of the ice-cream display thing, evaluating  from aftertaste to calorie content to how likely my sister is going to want to eat it (hey, it's my ice cream!).

And another complementary theory is that i am scared that people would see my religion in a bad light, that we are just a bunch of people just trying to recruit as many people as possible. That is just more fuel to burn an already raging fire against us. I want people to see the beauty and elegance of Islam. That it is more than a religion, it is a way of life, a way of making the imperfect human into a human that is better than it can ever be (but still, and always will be, imperfect). Basically making the best out of what we all got. I want people to get hooked on that part of my religion.

I was lucky to be born in it, be molded by it (though i may not appreciate it as well as i should, i'll admit that). I was thought to love not hate, to forgive and not hold vengeance, to think and not follow blindly, to always be better than before, be kind, be gentle, be truthful and all that stuff. It has basically single-handedly made me who i am, and i can't give a single decent blog post about it?

Well God, here you go. I am what i am. And i love You like, a lot. Thanks for sticking up for me when all those around turned a blind eye. You have my permission to smite them if You want to. Nah, just kidding.

I'll end this post with a question i thought about just now. God makes both the good and the bad. We are both good and bad. What bad is self-inflicted and what bad is preordained? Should one seek forgiveness just because one was made bad?  I know, deep shit. That's how i roll. Time to sleep.

Ready?

It is three in the morning. I am on my bed and I thought, what a great time to write something. Though i'll be posting this a bit later on due to me being too tired to connect to the internet.

You know, I have been thinking about relationships a lot of late. Idk, maybe it is just the thing that comes with age. Hormones, messing things up since puberty.

Anyway, I just feel like I should be in one. Hahaha. I know it seems a little forward but yeah, i'd love one. One relationship, please, extra love and no cheating on the side. I know it seem like with my emotions being so unstable, i am just insane to think such. Well, I should listen to insanity once in a while.

It took me a while to get to this stage. I kinda went into a major depressive moment during my high school days because of that magic little thing called love. Alas, it is all water under the bridge now. I know, took me like eons to get over a girl. I am just not the kinda guy that likes something and let them go as easily.

I've been trying to avoid relationships because I had a few hiccups that I thought would be a pretty bad thing in relationship, including the emotions. But then I thought, hell, these shit is me, its basically who I am, and it is not going away soon. So what the heck.

Though I do not want to burden my partner with my volatile emotions, i'd rather have the good side of the sandwich that is yours truly, not the side with the pickles. I even thought of going for counselling, but never got to it. Ha, such a lazy ass. I just don't want my girl to have to worry too much about how I am. I need professional help, i'll get to it, eventually.

Aside from the crazy-stay-away-warning sign I just placed on my forehead, I still think I should be in a relationship. But alas, even by being a very intelligent and good looking guy, I find it hard to get the chicks. God knows, must be the beard. Hahaha. Oh, I have a beard/ goatee thing going on now, I kinda like it.

This post is just insane now I think about it. Meh. I just want a girl to love, you know. Someone nice, funny, entertaining, smart, outgoing, and just downright awesome. And a killer smile, can't forget that. Someone to hold when thing get too rough and to talk to when life gets too out of hand.

Hmmmmm, is that person out there? A guy has to have his dreams. Cross all fingers, eh?

Difference in Sounds

I've been listening to Coldplay super religiously. Not all their songs, just a few. And i don't know why, i get very emotional listening to them. Like they speak to me in more ways than one. Like it pierced into something so deep in me and now i am just a leaking mess of emotions.

My mood have been pretty erratic of late and listening to these songs are really causing serious havoc. Like seriously, i didn't even want to wake up today. And I basically slept through the entire day.

*sigh*

The funny thing is, the songs aren't really that sad. I love the songs. It's just that they... trigger the wrong buttons, i suppose. God, life is just so darn hard. And i know that i am more blessed than the millions of people that suffer out there. But that doesn't make my life any easier.

I just wish that life, just like magic, could end, and i would go to paradise because it seems like every teardrop is a waterfall, and i am drowning right in front of everyone.

I would love to rant out every single explicit detail on what i am feeling but i rather leave it under the covers. No point in babbling out intimate matters. Lets just say things are not as good as they seem.

Alas, life has to go on. In the meantime, i'll enjoy some music till God comes to take me home.

Magic

You face me, but i have no heart to look into your eyes. I would say anything, do anything to make you go away, but i just can't. I just couldn't. I feel your touch, gentler than mine, touching my face, unknowingly touching my heart.

I feel you inside my soul, like a cloud that fills, like a fire that warms, like a breeze that calms. No person could make me weak like you. And could make me rise like you. You make me stare into those eyes of yours, and i wish i had died just before.

"Tell me, the truth. I know you. And I... I know you, don't I? I know the truth, but I want you to just say it. Why won't you say it?"

My throat chokes with a sadness that lies too deep within me. My eyes are holding back so much emotion that it could blind me. I know the words. It rings every time you touch my hand, every time we lay down together and gaze at the stars, every time I see you. But....

"I can't. I just can't. You know why. I would change the world for you, but I can't. I can't change the fact that I just can't....love you."

You turn away from me, to hide the pain, to hide the tears, and stabbing me would hurt less than this.

"Why? Why can't you just follow what your heart tells you? Why can't you just..."

A tear crushes all my defenses. I do. And I want to. I would let you grab my hand and take me wherever you want to go. The sky, the clouds, the stars. I would never let go.  But.....

"Please. Don't...."

I want to hold you. And let you hold me. I want to let go of everything and just be with you. Just to let you hold me and be free. Be free with you. But just as much as I want it, it is like a dream. Just as much as i want it to never end, I know I'll have to wake up.

"Just go. If you won't love....if you won't let yourself love me, why won't you just go?"

The knife that cuts. I have never felt I wanted to be nothing more than at this very moment. My feet stood where they are. Immobilized. Paralyzed. Stuck.

"Because.....I don't have the strength to let you go."

You turn back with bloodshot eyes and moist face that i rather have not been the cause. You hold me in your arms, and if there were any defenses left standing, they are non-existent now. I hugged you back. Your breath is labored and you hold me tight as if to not let me go. And I feel like a sugar-coated time bomb ticking away.

"Why do you have to make things so hard? Why? I just can't do this...this roller-coaster. I just don't want to ....please, I just want you. And you know you feel the same. Don't do this."

I know what's next. I know what comes. And I wish i didn't.

"If you had to choose, i know you would choose me. If I had to choose, you would know my choice, but what you don't know is that i have no options. Please just...."

You let go, and it felt like the world has fallen into frost. With tears, you fell back.

"I..just. I..I... Thanks, for everything. I'll always feel the same, and i'll always hope you change your mind. Don't ever change. And just..."

You turn and walked away from me, stopping short.

"I love you. I really do."

You paused, and I knew what you wanted. But to give it to you would be poisoning us both. I had to be the one that saves us, even if it kills me in turn. You turned and walked away, and for the last time. That face, that touch, that laugh, that smile, that mind, that heart. All that. Gone. My knees felt like rubber and i fell to the ground.

" And I do too. Always had and always will."

And, like magic, you were out of my life.

God's Gift

I was given a gift, a gift from God.
And there was no wrappings, not one bow or card.
A thing of beauty, to marvel and awe.
But so roughly cut, it seemed too raw.

Something so bright that it knows only to burn,
Yet it stole my sight that i could not turn.
To hold in my arms I could not bear,
But to part for a second brings only despair.

So blunt yet sharp, that cuts and bruise.
But nice yet smooth, that calm and soothes.
Inspires one's heart just like a muse,
With lines so coded as if it's all but a ruse.

He told not to harm it, nor take to possess,
Just to enjoy its charm, its elegance and prowess.
Something that was build never to last,
But oh, yet a gift if naught but a blast.

An unusual gift, one could not help but love,
A gift not complete, just only one halve.
All would contend, to complete the piece,
I just hope that I would suffice.

Torn and Shreded

It's nearly 5 a.m. and i am basically dead tired. Late night TV watching. Oh well. I never get to watch the TV back at UTM. And i blog better at the dead of night. Like seriously, i wrote the title for this thing at 5 in the evening and here i am, just starting to write something. God, i just loath blogging now. I used to love it. But now it's becoming a testament to what i can or cannot write.

The truth is, i love writing about what i feel. When i'm angry, i rant. When i'm depressed, i get melancholic. It has always been the way i deal with what i feel. A channel where i tell all the things i want people to know, about how i feel. As i grow, it grows with me.

But lately...well, it's been actually a growing problem but it's more apparent now than ever, I stand at an impasse. A problem of cataclysmic proportions. Not exaggerating this one bit. Maybe just a tiny bit, but that's negligible. And i can't say a word about it.

I know, i know, it's kinda redundant. Not saying anything about something kinda already said something about that something. Let's just say i can't say it per se. Why can't i say it out loud? Most importantly,it is for my safety. I even promised my imaginary friends (bear with this crazy person for a tad bit longer) that i wouldn't do anything compromising my safety in any way. And secondly, for the safety of all those around me. Yes, you. I got lazy at writing in my blog because of you. I know how it sounds but humans are complex creatures, and me being a more complex person in general and adding an apocalyptic nuisance doesn't make me much more approachable nor likable.  

What kind of problem you may ask? Stop right there. Don't push it, buddy. To tell you the truth...

(God, so many truth in just one post, might as well just scream it out loud)

I am an open book really. Push me hard enough and i just might tell you anything and everything. One friend told me i was mysterious and vague. Girl, that just mean you haven't pushed hard enough. Although, if you did push me hard enough, i might just run away like th...anyway, yeah, that.

The problem, to put it simply, is that all throughout my life, i have always done things with the way i feel. Hell, this blog is a fucking testament to me doing things the way i feel like it. But now, it has come to my attention that doing this may have its repercussions.

A conflict between what i feel against what is right.

That is as close i can get towards not saying it verbatim. And i'll leave your wandering minds to speculate and digest on that. But please, do it with respect for me. And be gentle as well as clandestine with your thoughts.

*sigh*

I guess we all will have this moment where everything we stood for, at the very least, everything we said and believed we stood for will be put to the test. But damn it, God, i didn't know this was going to be on the test.

I was born with this defect in my intestines (long story) that would have killed me if it wasn't for my parents paying for a life saving operation. Now, after all the shit i've been through, i thought....they shouldn't have done it. I would have died and be free from what i think is the most hardest fight i will ever face and it would require a force that would obliterate me to go down any path i choose.

Now, all the investment they have put in me is basically hanging by a thread. And me writing this post is basically rubbing a knife on that thread. Those knives that used to cut bread with its teeth, i like those. Random sidenote. Give me a break, i am trying to lighten things up here. This is such a serious post.

Well, that's basically it. That is why i haven't been writing lately. Ta-da. This thing takes a lot of my thinking capacity that writing just doesn't seem fun anymore. All i can hope for is for God to give me the strength to overcome this perverse adversity that He himself made (I'm sorry about that. I'm thankful for everything, please don't smite me) and not fucking up my life too much on the way. So, pray for me and for more decent and consistent writings from yours truly.

Verbatim

It's been a really long while since i had post something. God, it already feels awkward writing. Keep it together fingers!

*wiggles all fingers*

Sorry for keeping all my faithful readers waiting...

*suddenly a large swarm of crickets comes and surround the room, simultaneously making le cricket noise*

Sometimes i wonder how many people actually read all the shit i write. Meh. I didn't start this blog to get a gathering of fans in the first place.

I've been really preoccupied with things lately, most of them being primarily imaginary. Sometimes my heart and head gets really messed up. I just have enough problems on my plate, and life just keep pilling up more shit. What kind of stuff, you may ask? No, you may not. I used to think i could share things with people. Well, not anymore. They are just as messed up, maybe even more than me. They don't give a shit. And if they do, they can't deal with it, just like me. So, thanks, but no thanks. Friends are pretty much just there to make the good days better, but not the bad days good.

Whoa there, easy on the emo stuff.

Anyway, apart from that, i'm pretty much fine. Exam results were fine. Average. Money's good. Health in check. I've been jogging like crazy. Blablabla

Weird. I have no idea what to write.

Oh well. That's it for now.