Letters from the Heart

Hello there. I know it has been a while since i wrote anything. I've been a little busy being obsessive. *insert crazy maniacal laugh here*

Over what, that should be obvious, i talked about it in my last post. Watching videos like a fucking moron while i have a fucking test tomorrow. But meh, i hate myself too much to care about such menial and trivial matters. *insert British accent and posh laughter here*

Okay, we are getting away from the topic. The reason why i am writing this to pass on a bit of my will. Yes, the kind of will you hear when people die and give away stuff, mind you. Though i am not dying, at least not yet, i am making a few preparations for my departure.

I am planning to write letters to important people in my life and i will place it all in the draft section of my blog. I haven't wrote many, just one for now, but i am planning to write more in time.

All i am asking is for you, any of you dear readers who had a chance to know me in real life, is to unlock my blog with my passing and pass what letters that i write to the people I that have made a big difference in my life. All are labeled Letters:......., intended for said person. That is all i ask.

And i know it seems highly morbid. You would think..."What do you mean? You gonna kill yourself by jumping of a building? If so, do a backflip please? " No, i have no plans for suicide for like...ever, so don't worry about it.

I just thought i'd leave something behind for all those people i love that had changed me for the best, and maybe worst.

When I thought about death and dying, all i could think of is to ask God for a favour. I know He takes very good care of everyone and i am not doubting His capabilities. I would want to ask Him for the permission to look after all the people I care about. Like a guardian angel. I know it's silly to think about that and i don't think He'll grant me special treatment, but hey, you never know.

I want to look after all the people i kept in my heart and make sure they remain safe. I always believed that God sent me here on this earth to love people and take care of them. And I've been hurt many times, and still being hurt by people. But i never blamed them. I always see that it was me who was lacking. It was me who didn't love or cared or give more.

And i guess i am not making any sense anymore. It's been a rough day. I hope someone will read this and help fulfil a stupid guy's wish. Though, you would have a hard time on one of them.  Oh well, you'll figure something out. I thank you in advance.

And if i don't write a letter to you, it's not that you haven't made a difference in my life, it is just that i was most likely too lazy or just died before i had a chance. So, yeah, sorry about that. But know that I'll watch closely if i get the chance. Because even though i can't write everyone a letter, i most certainly can love, and care and pray for all the good in the world to be with you.

And I'll always be with you, in your heart that never stopped loving me, and in the life you live that i have done my best to make a difference.

P.S: On the off chance i end up in purgatory or something (cause i am a messed up shit of a person), could you pray and ask God to let me go or at least take it easy on me? That'll be great, thanks.

Out and About

Hi. Hmmmm. I don't really know where to start. I guess the beginning seems good. I always knew something was different about me. I couldn't pin out why.

Like all guys who explore a little who they are when they're young, I didn't think that i was different, not by a lot at least. But when you grow up and reach a stage, you look back, laugh and just go "aaahhh".

I didn't seem to explore much of what was out there. I just keep to my own world and did my own things. Growing up, that focus always had to go outwards. And I saw people and loved people. I think that is where it started to show.

When you love people and they don't love you back, it does something to you. Your psyche. It just breaks. And it's stupid to think it'll be normal after you piece all the pieces together. I didn't get that it was just a part of life.

I lost myself to darkness. But when I got up and shook it off, i knew i wouldn't come out as someone who was normal.

I tried to shrug it off, like it was a phase or something. Maybe it is. I don't know. I don't really know what to think about it. I gave in or I fought it. Always in limbo as if some sort of dance and I'm being twirled around, not knowing which way is up.

Seeing people live free and be who they desire seem like a breath of fresh air at the edge of a cliff. I know if I take a deep one, I'll fall and never go back.

I'm really trying not to sound melancholic about it but it just comes out that way. And I don't know what I'll do and what's gonna be in my future. All i know is that I'm just like every other person on this planet. Trying to make sense of their part in the world.

In the end, we're all the same really. We're broken up by the same things. We look at the world with the same hope. We lie in bed and dream of the same dreams. We just want the same thing. Love. Well, maybe not exactly, but you get the point.

A Force For Good

Hi. I know blog posting have been a little thin for a while, yeah, but i haven't been feeling myself in a very long while. Well, I've been feeling the usual mind numbing depression but i don't really consider that as my myself.

I've been a little down with a lot of things. Feeling overwhelmed with work. Not feeling like have any value towards society. Having feelings of not being appreciated by friends. Questioning my s...woah. Slow down there buddy. Back it up. Yeah. Basically truckloads of feelings. All aboard the feels train. You get a feel! You get a feel! Everybody gets a feel!

And all them feels inhibit writing capabilities. So yeah. I've been trying to write an event of my life for a long while and i kind of stopped because all them feels. Ugh. And it has been ages since the accident.

And all of a sudden. I've been watching videos like super bonkers crazy. And i mean it, people. Loads. But i have been in love with one guy. *sighs at enchanting magnificence that is....* Mr. Mark Edward Fischbach (i hope i spelt it right) a.k.a Markiplier, Markimoo, and the ever popular Darkiplier . He is just da bomb. He play games for a living! How super mother effing cool is that! But he does loads more than that. Charity work, pole dancing (sexy buns there, Mark), and just tons more. Not to mention he is just epically funny in every way possible. Well, to me at least. I watched him play Five Nights at Freddie's, Vanish, Outlast and just tons of indie games and goddamn, i love that man.

So, as i was doing my usual video binge, i stumbled upon a video of him. He wanted to thank all his subscribers by telling his life story on how he got to where he was with so many subscribers. And it broke my heart. He went through a lot to get where he was. Hell and back. And i just lay in the darkness and teared up. God, i am such a pussy.

And then i saw a video of him reacting to a video (complicated, i know) that his fans made and i cried with him. Not really tears of sadness. But of joy. I was soooo happy that from all the darkness that he faced, it got him where he is now, with like 10 million subscribers and he got on the YouTube Rewind add and all them other great things. I was happy for everything he achieved. And for all the lives he changed with his jovial nature, his screams (he does tons of horror playthroughs), and his laughter.

He is a nice guy. And i want that. I want a life that touches other people's lives. That changes them for the better. Even in the smallest way. I want to look back and see that in the darkness that i have so valiantly face, the small shards of happiness was there all along. And when you reach a point in your life and look back, you see a tapestry of blinding brilliance that is your life. I want that.

I want to be a force for good. I just do. And i ain't going to give up. I am jumping into the abyss. I am treading the muddy bogs. I will venture the stormy seas. And i will come back stronger, wiser, and better. And i will love people, with all my heart, even if it breaks me in two. I will do whatever it takes to be that force for good, to the very end.

And them depressive, dark and unyielding thoughts, y'all just gonna come for the ride now, ya motherfuckers!

Letters from the Edge of Time

To my beloved,

How are you? I hope your smile has never left your lips in sadness. I hope your days be filled with the rays of beauty. And i hope i have found a secure place in your heart.

There is no day that have passed that i do not think of you. From the dawn to the dusk, your being permeates to my core. It breathes into me life every day. Like a spring mist. Like summer breeze. Like an autumn rain. Like winter snow.

I look outside and i see us, laying beneath white clouds, counting the bees that pass us by. I look outside and i see us, treading a stream with clothes held above our feet and you falling in it with tremendous grace. I look outside and i see us, dancing under the stars with your face radiating with lunar glow.

I miss you so. I have never missed someone so much. I love you. And i don't want to love anyone else.

Until these hands can hold you as close as i hold this pen now, i will cling to the thoughts of you and let them grow in my heart.

Eternally and truthfully yours.
Your beloved.