....

Sometimes,I feel so out of place,so lost,so unwanted.I just want to be accepted,be part of the picture,just one of you guys.Sometimes,at night,when I'm all alone,i feel so alone,as much as i try to convince otherwise.I longed for the smallest things,Hi's and hello's,a simple "how are you?",people don't know how good it feels to be acknowledged,to feel you're part of something,that you're not just this person walking down the road,that your life is not meaningless,that you're not just one of a few billions that walk this earth,you're something much more than that,something special in the eyes of others,somebody worth to be recognized,by a few out of those billions of people,that you are you,nothing more to be expected,nothing less to be filled,you don't need to be anybody else to be,that perfect person you are in your own way,that you are no longer that person who is out of place,lost and unwanted,you are the person who is just where he/she should be,no longer lost,no longer unwanted,but most importantly,loved and cared.

Day.

"wake.wake...wake.
I arise from my slumber from a hideous sound from my phone.I knew it would work.Only this song could wake me from such slumber,thank you Lady Gaga.I woke up feeling ever so sluggish but at the very least awake.4:00.There's a reason why i woke up so early,but let that secret be mine to my grave.I felt ever so lazy to go to school,so i ponder on it,whether i should.Whether I'll be excused from school by the Ancients is a different matter,but i,needed a substantial reason not to.A stupid procession at school followed by nothingness or...sleep and relaxation at home?.Well,English would be nice and at least there are friends at school.I never been denied of my request to skip school,but do not abuse the trust bestowed to me.

Two factors that actually effect my judgment are clear.One,I fear for the prosecution of people's judgment on me.People don't realize it but me,i do.I've been judged all through my life an the feeling is not one i wish to instill upon other onto me.Secondly,the thought of not going to school already popped into my head so,dismissing it would be fueling my ancient enemy,regret.I've regretted on a lot of things but I've known that people still judge me for every action i take,so the choice is clear.I made myself comfortable while i read my book 'The Notebook'.

Wake.wake...
I woke yet again to that hideous sound.Ugh,12:30.I woke up earlier but I fell asleep.I continued reading until...oh,such a lovely novel.Just wonderful.Its unusual what love can do.You could have short-term memory loss,get shot in the head with adamantium or in this case,have Alzheimer,love can triumph above all.My heart nearly jumped when i heard the door slammed downstairs.Oh no,maybe its me,I've caused distress onto others.I've always taught that even my presence can cause such things,as if me being here is not wanted,not accepted,a sin.Fortunately,i heard from upstairs there are no screams and shouts,so no anger,so I'm fine.I took a bath before that,listening to Taylor Swift to calm my nerves down.

I did a few things,but nothing special,or homework.But as i write this,i have come to the conclusion that,I'm gonna buy The Book Of Tomorrow by Cecilia Ahern,Percy J And The Titan's Curse by new favorite author Rick Riordan and books from my latest favorite author,Nicholas Sparks,and my day wasn't well spent but not wasted,and decisions must be made based on you,and nobody else,because everybody else can scream and yell whatever,can laugh and chuckle with you,but they will never live with those choices,you do."

"I love you.I always had.There had never been a sense of doubt.And i know,with all my heart,i will till my dying breath,and even after that.You may love me,you may not,but even if you've stopped,love never ends,it doesn't fade,cause i know,I've loved you ever since.My body may be a beach,my mind may be a forest,and my heart may be an ocean,but you would be where the sky and earth meet,where the forest and seas collide,a place where nothing changes,nothing dies,you would be there,my love"

Paint with cement.

Ugh,I'm dying to get to run around my house naked again.Disgusting and disturbing.My house is like a ship wreck site that had been hit by a tsunami.Terrible.The wall are painted this kind of yellow.Ceilings all painted.New garage.and gate.Expanded backyard,well more of a back than a yard.If formaldehyde poisoning doesn't kill me,my disturbed nap time will.I just want my house back,the ship wreck that isn't dripping with wet paint.

I think we'll be having our annular puasa get-to-gather or the raya one,to officially inaugurate our newly splash-painted house that was born out of my father's mind and paycheck.Now that's gonna be hell.If we're having one,i might invite you'll if you'll behave.Stay.Good Boy.

Ugh,I'm going to go loco on you guys.I feel so fucked up and stressed.

My father is giving one of his 'talks' to the dudes who are doing the renovation about our trip to Indonesia that we took last,last,last weekend i think.Wonderful trip.I will not go any deeper or this blog will be filled with all sorts of crap,not like there wasn't any.He usually play my 'card' most often during raya and introduction to new people.The history on my grand operation and intestines are usually presented when I'm introduced,not like anyone wants to know.I have this sort of uncle that usually ask,shamelessly,for me to show my scar when i was little and I fortunately know the norm of society shamefully complied to his every whim.Sounds disgusting,i know.

Changing topic,I can't wait for puasa and raya.All the food and money,well the get-to-gathers too.Its the best.But everything is changing so rapidly i fear that i may never be able to catch up with everything,cherish the moments and let them go all at the same time.I don't want to one day think about my life and regret all the things that i didn't cherish before i lost them.I don't want to remorse on anything in my life ever again.Its like an aging acid,it gets stronger with time.On that happy note,i bid you'll farewell,gonna get my feet soaked for a while and let the problems wash away in the dirt.

Love,
Hiccup.

Night owl.

"....feet.in the grass.nothing but bare feet.how the earth feels.how its life emitting,how its regenerative nature heals even us humans.how lovely it is to be here.ah,the sun.isn't it lovely? how it burns my skin,making me feel so alive,so alight with new life,new hope,new dreams.its lovely here,especially,well...."

After all that darkness,its nice to get some light.Well,as you can see,I'm somewhere new,where my dreams are,I move with them,now I'm here.Its so far away,away from everything,well,almost.Got great wireless here,somehow.


Went out yesterday,late in the fucking night,over dramatic much.Hanging out with me sis and her boy-friend.It was okay.Went to watch Eclipse.It wasn't as bad as i thought it would be.Jacob is so cute in wolf form,awww.I know,sickening.But overall i think it was great,its about choices,and which one we should make and want to.Sometimes it may not always be easy but we'll get through.

Watched The Proposal too this week.Da bomb.I like it.I think i just love love stories,especially the ones that shows love is sneaky,it always seem to find you somebody unexpected.I hope one day i can live in one of those movies.

Went also to watch Toy Story 3.Sounding more and more like a reviewer by the second,i know but i just can help it.Found it very touching somehow.I think its because the first movie was i think is the first movie i could ever remember clearly
and now it has already ended.I loved it though.

I've realized that my emotions are linked to the movie i watch.If the movie is saddening to me then i feel like crying,if the movie is happy to me then...you get the picture right? The reason i say to me is that some of the movies aren't really sad but its meaning to me makes me a little blue.Not Avatar blue though :).Well,have to go to lunch,I'm famished.Let's get out of the grass for a while.Just a while.

Love,
Hiccup.

Bullet to the brain.Claws to the heart.

"The mind.It does the most wonderful things.It help us innovate our lives,improving our vast knowledge on life,aiding us in our survival.But most importantly it helps us remember.Our childhood,unimaginable amount of knowledge,our future plans,our ancient memories of unprecedented happiness or sorrow,where we put our car keys.Of all these things,all we will forget in time.Time will wither even the toughest memories.But one thing we will never forget,love.Why?.Unfortunately,even the mind forgets love but it has a helping hand,something that will never forget a thing even if we have short term memory loss.The heart.The heart never forgets.We may forget many things,but not love, never.Many thing will go,die,wither away,but not love,that's why even when a person dies,we can feel it's presence,cause love just don't die,man may,but not love.
The heart may stop beating but it never forgets."