....

He stood there for a while. Thinking. His eyes were wide open,seeing everything. The guy jogging at top speed,listening to his iPod at an ear-blasting volume. The girl,walking home with a bag from Barnes and Noble,looking pretty pleased with herself. A couple walking together, fingers and hands intertwined like vines up a pole,heading nowhere with no intention of changing their direction.

He saw all this,but he might as well be blind.

He felt a pain surge up his chest. Cold. Hard. He hoped it was a heart attack,thinking it would have been better than what he knew he felt.

Sadness. Bitterness. Hopelessness.
Weak. Ugly. Useless.

All of this was like a bitter pill to swallow, a vitamin he took everyday when he woke up,when he looked in the mirror. He hated mirrors. Even when he was young,he loathed mirrors. He knew, every time he look into one of those, he saw nothing but the worst in him. A pimple,crooked teeth,ugly hair. But now,he saw through all that,deeper into the very core of himself. All he found was nothing. Nothing beautiful. Nothing worth noting. Nothing worthy of praise,admiration or even a pat in the back. He hated himself.

He collapsed to the ground,breaking into silent tears. He had everything he had ever wanted. A job, friends, money, good grades during the sixth grade. Except all those thing never mattered,now he realized. All he had ever wanted is to be able to love himself. To love himself like he loved everyone around him. To be able to accept himself for all that he is, flaws, faults, defects and all.

But he can never do that. Because what he wants actually is not to love himself, but to love his perfect self. The one that is able to talk to people without feeling his throat is about to fall off,to be able to look in the mirror and make a fleet of people swoon, to never ever feel the sadness that lingers around him like a swarm of bees,stinging.

He gathered enough of what was left of him and tried to stand up, succeeding with trembling feet. He looked around,no one near. He wiped the dirt of his pants and returned his composure back. He turned around and headed to the path,and continued walking,as if nothing ever happened.


"Breaking your mind and your heart takes a toll on you. You try and gather all the pieces up and put it all together,but at the end of the day nothing is fixed. You just have this things, broken. You try to make the best of it,doing what you can at first to ignore the truth,then making the best of it,then try your best to destroy yourself,and you repeat the cycle again. Lather,rinse,repeat."

Blockade.

No.
I am not okay.

There,I said it.

And it wasn't just after my non-existent relationship,it was way before it. I was broken even before I was torn to pieces. I know that now. I know at the end of the day I'm going to need some real,professional help. Medications even,maybe. But just not now. Now is not a good time to be breaking down and cry in a fetal position and blabbering about my childhood,about all those so called friends,about my unlimited capacity for self-pity and my bottomless holes of insecurities. No,I just can't. Early in my life,I was usually the weak one. I was the one who everyone took care of. I was the one who everyone had to support. As I grew,I became the very thing that I told everyone who knew me that I would never be.

An adult.

I hid all of my weakness away,all my insecurities,everything. And I became stoic. I became the strong one. I learned how to fend for myself. I adapted to everything. I lied to everyone. I never even told my parents about my not-so-stellar grades when I was in Standard 4.

I did my best to continue that streak of invincibility. I told myself, "If you show weakness,then you are weak. If you are weak,then you will die,then you will need them". People. I would need people. And I couldn't let myself be weak,not like I was when I was young. I couldn't show everyone that everyday life scared the shit out of me,that I was envious of nearly everyone for having everything I didn't have. I couldn't.

I couldn't break down.
I just couldn't.

But day by day,I began to eat myself alive. I began to consume myself in my own lies,that i told myself.

You are strong.
You can get through this.
You don't need anyone.

But,I can't go on like this anymore. It is tearing me apart.


I used to write a lot back in Form 4,even if I was the same old liar that I still am now.
But now,I just don't. I don't even read. Writer's block.
I think it's because back then I told people about my problems. Only a just the tip of the iceberg. Not much to make much of a difference. Maybe I just didn't notice the difference.

This blog used to be where I would write everything I couldn't tell anyone,or I couldn't tell anyone face to face. I used to love it here. I was free. Absolutely free. Since I've been telling people about it,I began to close myself up again. I began to hide things from the one place I could go and be free. I lost it to people. I returned to who I was.

From now on,I won't do that anymore. I will write whatever I want,no matter what. If you know me,and read something disturbing in here,keep it to yourself. This is where you should go if you want to know me better,the real me. If you can't do that,then stop reading the truth about me and only hear the lies.

People think I'm just some sort of perky,happy go lucky kind of guy. But the truth,is farther than any fiction that I could ever write.

Retaliation.

Life is never what it seems to be. Never. We go through life with the highest hopes and with extreme trepidation,but with a rebellious streak hidden somewhere inside it all. We picture everything in our minds,the worst,the best. But in the end,it seems never goes to plan,in a good way,and bad too. But that's life. We just suck it up and do it all over again,taking more risks and making more mistakes than before.

I am beginning to like life in this way. I am a person who plans meticulously,a little to much i might add. I blame it on God,my mom and a cup of sugar every morning. Life's unpredictability makes me go with the flow,and i like going with the flow,there's no planing in it. Makes me more calm,centered,and independent. I used to say to myself that i loved the old me,the one that is always happy,always hopeful,always dreaming of other worlds with no care of the one I'm in.

And I still love him. But,to tell the truth,I didn't like him when I was him. He was too perky for my taste,I am partly goth in nature. He was stronger but weaker as well. He was unstable,like potassium. Looks docile,but one dip in water and boom,there he goes. Now i'm just broken,but i think i'm okay with it. Everyone's broken in some way. I learned where to put my emotions,and to whom should i invest them in. I'm wiser,i guess. Let us all hope that.

Now,I'm going away,and my posts will be stretched even more thin and may even be non-existent,but i guess that's life. Make do with what you have. I'll be supposedly making new friends and attempt to learn something,and learn how to be fucking independent and shit. And maybe even find a new me,which I'm desperate to find because being broken is not fun,i prefer to be fixed.

Retrospect

I'll just keep it simple. I have never felt so happy in my life. Never. Last Wednesday,I took my result. And I was happy. If someone else got it,I'm sure they would frown or worse, but I was just super bloody content. I was happy, joyful, uplifted, ecstatic and everything in between. I never felt so... that. I can't even describe the feeling. I guess the closest thing is floating. That.

Because I didn't do my best. I didn't gave it my all,but I still got better than some unfortunate souls. And even though I tried to gave them my best words of comfort,I knew if I were in their place,I would've done worst than just mope around. Much worst. But I didn't. And for that I'm eternally grateful to the man upstairs.

Now,I wondered,why was I so happy like a child who just won a chocolate factory? Even that night,at 5, I tried to sleep after waking up and I couldn't,because I was shaking from the sheer joy of it all. Then,it hit me (And wondered why I hadn't thought of it in the first place).


My life has not been an easy one. I was puking like a drunk lord, cut open by a scalpel, had my intestines spewed out of me like a slaughtered animal, had it stitched up, had been humiliated in public in more numerous occasion than I'd like to count, had gone to counselling all by the ripe age of ten.(crazy since birth,haha! I bet the intestines had something to do with it.)

I had almost broken my back,nearly humiliated myself to death, (God,thinking of that moment makes me want to kill myself) went through 'my parents didn't love me' phase, had more fingers than friends, went through 'God kill me please,I beg you' phase,not to mention neat freak phase, went through puberty. (at least,I thought it was, I think)

Then,went to a parasitic phase,everything after that is much of a blur, but then it went downhill,then back up,then the imaginary phase went on (till now), then I had the same amount of friends than I had a heart,which was none, went through insanity and back, then back to more fingers than friends, then broke my fingers and said I had none. Fell in love then forgot that I had no heart,so no need for that. Went through insanity (again!) and never came back.

And now I'm here.

I've been through more than I care to remember,and for that I have aged more than it shows on my id. But for such a small thing,that results showed me more than just how I did in the exam. It build a path across to the future,for more hell on Earth,and for the good things to come.

The end.

"I loved you. Loved. Sometimes I wake up and wonder what the fuck did I did wrong. But now I know that I did nothing wrong, that it was not my fault. Trust me, I'm not the type that blames the world for all the bad things that happen. You were the one that didn't understood how much you were to me. I knew your painful past, I knew you did asked to be loved. But have you ever wondered if I asked to love you? No. Love was the last thing on my mind. But every time I looked at your face, my heart leaped. In my mind, I had hoped you could have put you past behind you and find it in yourself to love someone else. At the very least try.

But no,you couldn't,could you? Do you know what's worse than getting your heart broken? Watching it silently dying a slow death. You couldn't say a thing. Nothing. Not even a word. Maybe I was partially to blame for not confronting you face to face, but you put in no effort to try and say something. Nothing. I disdain hating people, but God, you were the first one to ever go so far.

Now,I hope,if there is any justice in this world,if there is such thing as karma,fate or destiny, that you feel what I felt. That one day,when you're walking down a street, you bump into a guy that you never knew. You'd say sorry and he'll apologize too. You then couldn't stop thinking of how mesmerizing his eyes were,how charming his laugh was. That you then met him again,and you'll exchange numbers, and maybe hoped that he'll call for a date,which he will. You'll go and have a blast and think that you maybe in love. You'll wait after you get to know each other,after you think you are close enough. He'll open up and tell you what's in his heart. You'll spend days,hanging out like you were friends from kindergarten and bickering like you've been married in another life. You'll look in the mirror and tell yourself that today is the day and say that you tell him you love him. And nothing.

I hope you question everything that you did,wondering what you did wrong.I hope you tried everything but he wouldn't answer you. I hope you feel angry and want to burn everything in sight. I hope you contemplate on knife-shopping. A butcher knife or an average kitchen knife. I hope he'll sap every ounce of your will to live,and when you don't have any, you're too lifeless to kill yourself.

I'm not some psycho who wants you to die a horrible death. I want you feel. I want you to know. Because,I don't think you learned your lesson. You know how it felt, yet still.

Now,my heart is healing,but it will never forget its mistake. Of caring someone who never did care. I wish you a long and happy life nevertheless. You deserve it. I thank you for making me wiser and for showing me that love is not that beautiful,great and happy things that we find in a book or a song.

I'll find someone else,and you will too,eventually. But one thing is for sure,she will never be you. Because she'll have one thing that you don't. A heart."

Lecture on love.

Sometimes i wonder if you are real.I wake up at night with a cold shiver and think of you and if you're nothing but a dream,but i realize you are,my dream,a dream come true and fall back asleep with nothing but the thought of you.When i lie in bed alone,i think of how much i'd love to have you around my arms and feel your warmth heat the very core of me and how much i'd love to have one more chance to stare into your deep blue eyes like the sky on a clear Sunday morning.What we have was something special,something true and filled with nothing but love.I'll admit,it wasn't perfect,nothing is,but you're as close as heaven i ever got to,and i hope the same for you,i hope so.But,why,why did you leave me? Didn't you love me enough to hold on to our love? Did i do something that made you drift away? My mind wonder sometimes in the morning.I'd think of everything,the way i'd talk to you,the way i'd kissed your lips,the way we'd walk together at the park without even one word muttered,hands intertwined as if we were born this way,and i'd wonder,what made you go away?
Haven't i loved you enough?

I'd go to work like every other morning,after a cup of coffee and reminiscing on the way you'd look in mornings such as these,with hair unruly and without even an ounce of make-up and you haven't looked so beautiful in your life.I'd drive to work to the university, that I've work at as one of their most valued lecturer on bio-medical engineering since 20 years ago.With all this knowledge,i'd wonder.Could I've haved save you? Could I've saved us? I'd walk past the massive oak trees that have been here since,ever since our time here,ever since i first saw you.I knew,and i know how cliche it is going to sound,trust me,i know,i knew that you'd be the one that will steal away my heart and never return it,not that i'd wanted it,it was always yours.And i'd see one,near the lake,a bench right under it,and my heart felt like it was going to explode.
That was the one tree that i love and hate at the same time.

We'd spend a lifetime on that bench,with me sitting and you lying on your back with your beautiful brown hair on my lap and we'd stay like that for like,ever,and i remembered one time when you said,"Would we last longer than the yellow leaves on this oak tree?",and i replied,"We would outlive the tree itself",and you'd smile,a smile that would make my heart melt every time.

That was the place where we spent our last day on campus together,you and i sitting with our hands intertwined and your head on my shoulders,your hair smelling like nature,like the earth itself,natural.you'd be talking about your friends,about graduating with a degree in culinary arts,about your future,and then i said,"Can i say something?","Sure",and i blurt out the question as if it was the most natural thing ever,"Would you marry me?".You paused,looking into my eyes,staring directly into my soul and smiled,as if you found something you liked."Sure,why not?",and we kissed,and i was sure,if i didn't feel you in my arms,i'd think it was all a dream.

I stirred,wondering how long has it been.I felt though I've been sitting on this bench for hours,looking at my watch,the watch you gave me on my 34th birthday.An hour.God,my class was going to start in 20 minutes.I ran passing to pathways we've walked together,through corridors we'd been through,and stopped right in front of my hall,and I stopped think about you,not out of impulse,but out of need.And walked in.

After a few hours,i finished my lecture,greeted by my students as they went out while i headed to the new cafe on the north side of the campus for lunch.A sandwich,i muttered,somehow shocked at the question.I'd been sitting in the cafe.I didn't even remember walking here.And an espresso,that should calm my nerves down.Water too.A glass.The waitress went away,with my order and a face looking puzzled at my bewilderment of her presence.I thought about you again,on how you wanted to open a bistro at town,and even though i've always encouraged you to do so,you never did.I'd ask you why,and you simply replied,"Because i love you more than all of my dreams".

You were an amazing cook,dinner was never just meatloaf or spaghetti,you always went all out,and i have always love you for that.We'd sit under the stars or lighted by candlelights,and one time i said,"I never thought i'd be married to a goddess of food",you laughed,looked at me and said,"I never thought i'd be married to a god of love".I felt something hot touched my hands.The espresso.The sandwich and the glass of water was there too.I touched the espresso.A little colder than i expected.How long was i out again? I ate my sandwich and downed the espresso and water as fast as i could.

I went to the staff room and headed to my room.I went in and sat down on the chair.Then,i saw a photo of you,and i just couldn't hold back the tears.I cried,consciously thinking to not be too loud,i don't want to sound like a mad person and attract the attention of the other lecturers.I took that picture when we went to the beach we always go to during the summer.We went there just a week after out visit to the doctor.He said you couldn't get pregnant,and i remembered that day you cried almost the entire day.I'd tried think of everything to cheer you in some way,but couldn't.So i just held your arms and told you everything was going to be alright,even though i wasn't sure.At last,i thought we'd go to the beach to get your mind off of things,and you agreed.We had so much fun that summer.We rented our usual chalet and took walks along the beach,went swimming in the cool ocean,and made campfires,lying together under the stars and made love until dawn greeted us.
It was our last summer there together.

I awoke to a startle.How long was i asleep? An hour,more or less,if my watch wasn't lying.I had some work to do,so i put the picture in the drawer and went by typing,without any distractions.I finished my work in about two hours later and packed my things to go.I walked out the door seeing some of the other rooms were still lighted,the sun was still up,but it was starting to slip into the night,turning the sky orange as it did.My friend,Robert,his room was still lighted.That man and his English lectures was always a favorite among the students.I wanted to greet him but i heard shouting from the room and hesitated,his marriage was not going well considering his acquired taste for young female students.

I walk along the corridors that remind me nothing but you,and a friendly voice greeted me from behind,"How are you,Jim?".Fine,i said,turning.Tim had been a janitor here before i was lecturing here,just after i graduated.We talked for a while,chatting from his health,diabetes was a nuisance to him,to his grandchildren in New York.Out of the blue,he said,"I'm sorry about your wife,Jim.She was a wonderful woman".I was a little stunned,and he finally said what made me cringing with pain."I remember,Jim.Its hard to forget a woman like that,it must be for you.I remember today was your wedding anniversary.She used to come down here every time with you.But...if i brought up any hurt in you,I'm sorry,Jim"."No,its okay.I was just stunned that you still remembered".Laughter followed,but i did feel like laughing,i felt like bursting with pain.We parted our ways after a while,that man was diligent in his work,with a memory of an elephant.
A year it has been.A year.

I walked to my car,with the sun having almost disappear from the horizon.Dusk was settling in,and i felt angry at you,i felt like exploding with anger."Why? That stupid bitch,leaving me,all alone like this,damn her".I managed to calm myself down in my car,cursing myself for ever think of you in such a way.I started the engine,taking a glance at the tree and then distracting myself from it by turning the radio on and drove away from it.

As i drove on,i felt a sense of longing for you.I wanted to see you,at least.The pain in my heart would at least be mended if i saw you.So,i drove on,turning left,stopping,turning right,headed straight,another left,took a right,and there i was.

You were there,as if you you were made of stone,the light in front of you were making you shine as if you were an angel,not that i'm denying it.You were sitting there,just sitting,and i stopped the car,walked out and kept walking till i was behind you.You hair was fluttering in the mild breeze that blew once in a while,and i could smell something familiar,something natural.

"I remembered our last time under our tree,it was like this,around this time,and the breeze was blowing gently.You looked ravishing even though i knew you were in pain.The doctor said you had at least three months,more if you did chemotherapy.But you said that you didn't want your last days spending it in and out of a hospital.I was a little,well...i don't know,angry maybe at your decision,but i respected it.We'd spend our days together,meeting friends and family,telling them of your predicament,and i would hold your hand to all of your last days.You looked beautiful as you always have,your head on my lap,your hair,brown and long,moving in the breeze.You said God had tested you with all sorts of trials and tribulations,but He gave you the most wonderful thing of all to you.Me.I offered a weak smile,thinking that i wanted to go with you.As if you could read my mind,you said,"No,honey,don't.You have to move on.I might be gone.But you would always have memories of me.And you would always have my heart,the one you took,and never gave it back".My eyes welled upped with tears."Seems like this tree will outlive me,damn",you said,looking up the tree."But it failed.It will never outlive us"."

I blinked and you were gone,the sun losing its battle to the night.The sky was almost dark blue,with only a little light at the edge of the horizon."I've become one excellent lecturer,teaching the future with my knowledge,I've taught countless students and learned from a lot from life.But none of my lecturers could taught,none of the book i read could show,how to love.Only you could.So,thank you,for teaching me,and for loving me back.I will always and forever love you,my dear Samantha".

I walked back to my car,the night engulfing me.A breeze blew,and i thought i heard someone said something,far at the end of the cemetery.Smiled,i got into the car,and drove away,leaving her to rest,going back home,to sleep,to dream of someone,that i could only dream of.