I love the night. And i love watching tv shows at night. My favourite midnight tv binge is either NCIS or Bones. But i abso-fucking-lutly love Bones a little too much. It's like...i just love watching Emily Deschanel and David Boreanaz together. They make the perfect couple. Ahhhh, one's a tough, witty and funny FBI agent while the other is a smart, awkward, strictly-no-bullshit anthropologist slash partner in solving crime. I could just marry them both, which i know sounds very weird but that's how much i am in love with them. Hahaha. They just have this opposites attract kinda thing going on and i just want that to happen to me.
*sigh*
Though the main reason i love the night is because there's no one up. I can be free to do what i want. And no one's there to judge me or look at me weirdly when i jump up and down like a madman when they both be all romantic and shit. Yeah, i do that all the time watching them, deal with it.
I am just free. Free from things that i have to keep secret just because i have to to seem appropriate. I can do whatever the fuck i want and no one's there to make me feel like i am not good enough, like i am worth nothing, that I will never be anything but a miserable piece of shit.
*an even louder sigh*
Sorry about the cursing. I had a little thing happened to me today and it's been making me feel like shit. People don't understand and they never will. I feel like screaming and pulling out my fucking hair or something just to add to my dramatic-ness. I am just not perfect and never will be. And just because i may not seem holy or shit that does not mean i love God any less.
To tell you the truth, i absolutely love Him. I have my imperfections and stuff but i truly do love Him. He was the one that protected me all this while. He was there when my cries where unheard by human ears. He was the one that carried me on through days that i couldn't bare to stand.
People made me question the only person that i could trust. Myself. Then they left me alone
And, as we are being blunt, i even contemplated suicide once, or twice, because the pain was no longer bearable. I planned it all in my head. I didn't care about anyone else or anything in this world. But because of Him, i held back. I realized that this life was not mine, It was His and only He had the right to claim it, not me. And because of that, I loved Him.
He guided a lost soul back on the right path. And I will always I love him more than anything in this world.
I know who i am, more than i care to. I have so many inner demons inside me that i am losing this battle, My battle. And as the days grow dim, and everyone turning their backs and their blind eyes to me, He has never forsaken me. Not for a second. And for that i still stand, to fight on for another day. So yeah, i may not be His most pious servant but do not ever dare say anything against me and God. Everyone has their own battle and i always try to see it from their side of things.
And on my parents, they may have not been perfect but i have never wished ill on them, both of them, and will never do. And on the occasions that i pray, i pray for both of them. Even though my dad may not be the best one in the world I haven't done anything to intentionally hurt him. I pray that he finds the right path again and becomes the leader we need. I love him, though maybe not as much as my mom, sorry about that. But i do, and i pray that heaven not only be their permanent abode, that it beckons them both to enter. So, sorry for the one thing that i did unintentionally to hurt him. Maybe i am bad, who the fuck knows anyway. But one thing for sure is that I am not perfect, and i will never be. You and I will just have to deal with that fact in our own way.
*one super relieved sigh*
I know it seems all jumbled up and non-linear and stuff, but it all matters to me, and i had to get that of my chest. Wow, now i do seem like i am mad, but i am just confused and frustrated and angry, at the world and at myself. Good thing i am sane enough to not go on a killing spree. Life is hard being me. Or anyone else for that matter. But we keep our heads held high and keep on fighting, right?
And I know how it seems, what does all of this have to do with late night tv watching anyway? Only at night can i think straight enough to enjoy the company of one of the most important people in my life. I can tend to his wound and cheer him up when he gets down. I make him laugh and cry and let him feel all his emotions and let him know it is alright to feel the way he feels, because that is just how the way life goes. I bring him all together and make him see himself as not not a broken person, but a person who is constantly being better than before.
Only at night can i enjoy the company of my own self.
Saturday, June 28, 2014
Tuesday, June 3, 2014
Define me
As always, late at night. I'll try and keep things short.
Religion is a very touchy subject that i tend to avoid talking about in here. I don't know why. Maybe because i wasn't much of a religious person back then, so i kinda don't want to rock any boats, mine or anyone's. But to tell you the truth, now that i look back, maybe i was a tad bit religious, at least in thought, but not so much in practice.
I am a Muslim, and i am proud of it. Basic bombing technique was my favourite subject back in Islamic school. Haha. God, talk about giving us a bad reputation. Someone went kaboom and just because he was Muslim, every one of us just happens to have our private stash of C4.
The reason i am blogging about this because i saw this video about a guy converting to Islam that my sister shared on facebook and i was cringing throughout it. Why, i wondered. Most likely it is because i am very sociophobic or something and watching people trying to give live responses makes me nervous all of a sudden. But i thought, could there be another reason? Did i dislike my religion or something?
No, i actually love it more now than ever. I even have a beard, albeit a small one, to prove it. I know, a beard does not make a religion. Maybe this is why i rarely talk in here about religion. So hard to make the topic interesting with my brand of humor and sarcasm without being insulting. Anyway,then why was it so hard for me to finish that video?
My other prevailing theory is that i picture myself in their shoes. Here you are, just choosing to change every aspect of your life by adopting a new religion. I imagine how hard that might have been, to take a leap of faith (literally) and restructuring everything you are to this new thing. I can't even choose a different flavour of ice cream without standing for 10 minutes in front of the ice-cream display thing, evaluating from aftertaste to calorie content to how likely my sister is going to want to eat it (hey, it's my ice cream!).
And another complementary theory is that i am scared that people would see my religion in a bad light, that we are just a bunch of people just trying to recruit as many people as possible. That is just more fuel to burn an already raging fire against us. I want people to see the beauty and elegance of Islam. That it is more than a religion, it is a way of life, a way of making the imperfect human into a human that is better than it can ever be (but still, and always will be, imperfect). Basically making the best out of what we all got. I want people to get hooked on that part of my religion.
I was lucky to be born in it, be molded by it (though i may not appreciate it as well as i should, i'll admit that). I was thought to love not hate, to forgive and not hold vengeance, to think and not follow blindly, to always be better than before, be kind, be gentle, be truthful and all that stuff. It has basically single-handedly made me who i am, and i can't give a single decent blog post about it?
Well God, here you go. I am what i am. And i love You like, a lot. Thanks for sticking up for me when all those around turned a blind eye. You have my permission to smite them if You want to. Nah, just kidding.
I'll end this post with a question i thought about just now. God makes both the good and the bad. We are both good and bad. What bad is self-inflicted and what bad is preordained? Should one seek forgiveness just because one was made bad? I know, deep shit. That's how i roll. Time to sleep.
Religion is a very touchy subject that i tend to avoid talking about in here. I don't know why. Maybe because i wasn't much of a religious person back then, so i kinda don't want to rock any boats, mine or anyone's. But to tell you the truth, now that i look back, maybe i was a tad bit religious, at least in thought, but not so much in practice.
I am a Muslim, and i am proud of it. Basic bombing technique was my favourite subject back in Islamic school. Haha. God, talk about giving us a bad reputation. Someone went kaboom and just because he was Muslim, every one of us just happens to have our private stash of C4.
The reason i am blogging about this because i saw this video about a guy converting to Islam that my sister shared on facebook and i was cringing throughout it. Why, i wondered. Most likely it is because i am very sociophobic or something and watching people trying to give live responses makes me nervous all of a sudden. But i thought, could there be another reason? Did i dislike my religion or something?
No, i actually love it more now than ever. I even have a beard, albeit a small one, to prove it. I know, a beard does not make a religion. Maybe this is why i rarely talk in here about religion. So hard to make the topic interesting with my brand of humor and sarcasm without being insulting. Anyway,then why was it so hard for me to finish that video?
My other prevailing theory is that i picture myself in their shoes. Here you are, just choosing to change every aspect of your life by adopting a new religion. I imagine how hard that might have been, to take a leap of faith (literally) and restructuring everything you are to this new thing. I can't even choose a different flavour of ice cream without standing for 10 minutes in front of the ice-cream display thing, evaluating from aftertaste to calorie content to how likely my sister is going to want to eat it (hey, it's my ice cream!).
And another complementary theory is that i am scared that people would see my religion in a bad light, that we are just a bunch of people just trying to recruit as many people as possible. That is just more fuel to burn an already raging fire against us. I want people to see the beauty and elegance of Islam. That it is more than a religion, it is a way of life, a way of making the imperfect human into a human that is better than it can ever be (but still, and always will be, imperfect). Basically making the best out of what we all got. I want people to get hooked on that part of my religion.
I was lucky to be born in it, be molded by it (though i may not appreciate it as well as i should, i'll admit that). I was thought to love not hate, to forgive and not hold vengeance, to think and not follow blindly, to always be better than before, be kind, be gentle, be truthful and all that stuff. It has basically single-handedly made me who i am, and i can't give a single decent blog post about it?
Well God, here you go. I am what i am. And i love You like, a lot. Thanks for sticking up for me when all those around turned a blind eye. You have my permission to smite them if You want to. Nah, just kidding.
I'll end this post with a question i thought about just now. God makes both the good and the bad. We are both good and bad. What bad is self-inflicted and what bad is preordained? Should one seek forgiveness just because one was made bad? I know, deep shit. That's how i roll. Time to sleep.
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