No.
I am not okay.
There,I said it.
And it wasn't just after my non-existent relationship,it was way before it. I was broken even before I was torn to pieces. I know that now. I know at the end of the day I'm going to need some real,professional help. Medications even,maybe. But just not now. Now is not a good time to be breaking down and cry in a fetal position and blabbering about my childhood,about all those so called friends,about my unlimited capacity for self-pity and my bottomless holes of insecurities. No,I just can't. Early in my life,I was usually the weak one. I was the one who everyone took care of. I was the one who everyone had to support. As I grew,I became the very thing that I told everyone who knew me that I would never be.
An adult.
I hid all of my weakness away,all my insecurities,everything. And I became stoic. I became the strong one. I learned how to fend for myself. I adapted to everything. I lied to everyone. I never even told my parents about my not-so-stellar grades when I was in Standard 4.
I did my best to continue that streak of invincibility. I told myself, "If you show weakness,then you are weak. If you are weak,then you will die,then you will need them". People. I would need people. And I couldn't let myself be weak,not like I was when I was young. I couldn't show everyone that everyday life scared the shit out of me,that I was envious of nearly everyone for having everything I didn't have. I couldn't.
I couldn't break down.
I just couldn't.
But day by day,I began to eat myself alive. I began to consume myself in my own lies,that i told myself.
You are strong.
You can get through this.
You don't need anyone.
But,I can't go on like this anymore. It is tearing me apart.
I used to write a lot back in Form 4,even if I was the same old liar that I still am now.
But now,I just don't. I don't even read. Writer's block.
I think it's because back then I told people about my problems. Only a just the tip of the iceberg. Not much to make much of a difference. Maybe I just didn't notice the difference.
This blog used to be where I would write everything I couldn't tell anyone,or I couldn't tell anyone face to face. I used to love it here. I was free. Absolutely free. Since I've been telling people about it,I began to close myself up again. I began to hide things from the one place I could go and be free. I lost it to people. I returned to who I was.
From now on,I won't do that anymore. I will write whatever I want,no matter what. If you know me,and read something disturbing in here,keep it to yourself. This is where you should go if you want to know me better,the real me. If you can't do that,then stop reading the truth about me and only hear the lies.
People think I'm just some sort of perky,happy go lucky kind of guy. But the truth,is farther than any fiction that I could ever write.
