Halls of Chains

My mind is a very big place. It's sort of a kingdom i made in my leisure time but the main building in which I usually spend my time is the Sanctum, sort of like an administrative office slash royal residency (mind you, i run a monarchy here, no time for democracy).

There's the dinning halls, passageways. Nature everywhere. The Hall of the Council, where most of my time is spent arguing with imaginary people on what I should or shouldn't do. Many rooms, both ancient and modern at the same time. A combination of duality of my persona.

But there is this one place, deep below the structure, inaccessible to all where I keep my demons.

The Hall of Chains.

There you would meet fragments of me that you haven't met, and hopefully you never will. It's not a full house and additions are something of a rarity but it's inhabitants are.... something.

I keep Rage there. He mostly sits quietly in his cell, chained at both feet and arms, able to roam around. But when tested, his screams are strong enough to make the energy barrier falter. I hate trying to placate him but I'd be worse to let him out. His chains are made of patience and faith, both not my strong points.

There are others, Darkness. He escapes a lot but we always find a way to send him back. Others are best not mentioned.

They all look like me, but inside they've lost most of what I am. But the weird thing is that they are not there unwilling.

They offered to be kept there. To ensure their king would succeed. They know that cooperation is the only way we all get through.

My demons and angels knew we had to find some common ground for us to get by. An arrangement that both sides get something out of it.

And you thought i was normal.

Space or Void?

Hi. It's been a while. I've been so busy, i can't even think straight (heh).

Anyway, I thought I'd something off my chest. And, as always, it's because of a movie.

Truthfully, I hate movies. Not because they're bad, heck I could watch a really bad movie and still say positive things (with only one exception, The Last Airbender. God, M. Night Shamalamawhatchamacallit butchered that movie).

I hate it cause I get immersed. I'm not watching, I'm in it.

I'm the actor; fighting the monsters, travelling to space, going on adventures, shit like that. I leave this world behind and... I don't want to go back. To the mundane, depressed and melancholic old me. It's painful to say the least. When you've got so many burdens in this world and you get the opportunity to let them all go.... I can't describe it to you.

For once. you're free.

But what kills me the most is romance. Fuck. The staring, the smiles, the laughter, the joy, bliss. Having someone to be there when you need them. Support you, comfort you, wanting you. It burns a hole straight through my chest.

Do you know what It's like to want something so bad but you can't because you'll lose everything in return?

I tell people I can't stand movies because I get agitated sitting down for long periods of time like I have ADHD or something. It's because to sit there, watching something way better than your sad life, it hurts you in ways you can only imagine. And I'm not a masochist.

P.S. The movie was The Space Between Us. Ugh. The only plus point was watching Asa Butterfield. I like them not-your-average looking guys.

Questions

Why are you unhappy?

"Well, that's a pretty easy question with a difficult explanation. I'll try to keep it true without being too emotional about it.

I don't like who i am. I look at myself and don't like the person. The way he looks, feels, loves; his actions, thoughts. Most of it. To say i hate every part of me is an overstatement, but enough of me is despised.

I think bad things. I want things people shouldn't. I think less of myself. Shit like that. Details are long but that's the gist.

And it's keep me from making something of myself. I am standing in my own path.

I know everything i need to do but when you're alone, you become this thing that is paradoxical. It's like trying to grab a knife to save yourself from drowning. You end up even more worse than you started."

Spectrum

I love walking down the beach at dawn. I do it whenever we have vacations by the sea. I am not a morning person, mind you. I rather spend mornings in bed. This counts as the very few exceptions i would ever make for early morning activities.

There is something about the seaside that draws me and yet pushes me away. Like the tide. I love it so much. I could sit and stare at the sea for ages. It's so peaceful and calming. Repetitive.

I feel like for that moment the ocean and i are one. And all the woes and worries, sorrows and darkness, melts away. Washed anew everything i know. I forget my family, friends, people and.... just be me for a second.

I've loved the ocean ever since i was small going on holidays, making sandcastles and looking for clams. My best memories are by the sea. With its wind caressing every strand of my hair, its spectrum of rays that change every single moment of the day and its clear pristine waters revitalising my soul.

There is nothing like it.

I feel kinda stupid trying to explain it to people. I know people don't feel it like i do. Like a deep underlying link steming from an understanding older than maybe both of us.

At the same time, i learned one of the greatest lesson of life right by the waters i love, that nothing is permanent.

Time goes. Things change. People leave. Holidays ends.

It's sort of unnerving, sometimes even scary to look at beauty of the sea, or anything for that matter, and think it will never last never or look the same as of right now. And both you and everything are morphed by each other presence.

What a weird and beautiful world we live in.

In my mind, heaven is by the sea. With my family and friends. All smiling and happy against the waves of the sea.

Immortality

Hi. I just had a bath and i was mulling something over, like everyone does when they take a warm shower. I watched this documentary on human belief on National Geographic with Morgan Freeman called "The Story of God" which i find kinda humourous due to him playing God in a few movies.

They showed all the belief of the afterlife based on different religions and also about a lady basically digitalising her partner so that she can be immortal cause she said she can't live without her partner (they were lesbians, btw, hahaha, idk why i had to say that, just for clarity) I find it weird that my mom thinks people trying to find immortality kinda blasphemous, but understandable i suppose.

In addition, i watched this unusual movie called 'Slow West', a kinda indie movie about a guy trying to find his killer girlfriend in the old west, with help from a fugitive/guide Michael Fassbender. Ahhh, such a dreamy hotstuff Mcmuffin. You guys should watch 'Shame' if you want to know how sexy that man is. Hahaha, i am super sleepy cause it's 5 in the morning. I think it's getting to me.

(Side note here, i saw in that movie an excellent example of what i call visual metaphor, kinda ironic really. When the lover guy, Jay, finally meets his girl, she shoots him (accidentally, she was fighting away bounty hunters). Then a Red Indian guy who helped her kiss her on the cheek to calm her down while this Jay guy is bleeding on the floor. Then a bullet shatters a container above Jay, and salt come pouring down on his bullet wound.

Hence the term rubbing salt on one's wound.

Hahaha. I loved that movie at that precise moment. It has a sad ending though.)

Anyway, back on track. I was thinking in the shower and i thought about how i wanna be remembered by people for the good that i have done. It's how i hope to achieve immortality. My actions in this world would create ripples that benefit humanity, which in turn make me immortal through remembrance.

But i said to myself, by wanting so, i wouldn't be good at all. I would be just chasing fame and glory. Not true benevolence.

At that moment i realize why, in Islam at least, we should always do good because of God, and not because of anybody or anything else. We must place Him first before anyone else.

If you do good for people, then what happens if those people turn on you? You would stop, right? If it's for money, fame, glory? If you don't get it, the good you do would stop. But if you do it for God, then you kinda have to do it for eternity.

I guess that's the point. You need something to do good for so that doing all those stuff has meaning and purpose but that something has to be outside of the realm of manipulation so that the good you do doesn't impact you or society negatively. Kinda smart i suppose.

So, i guess intentional immortality through remembrance is out of the picture. I'll have to actually do something really good without all them hubris to get to that.

But i guess that's the point really. You do good for everyone and let the most just and benevolent, God to reward you accordingly. The path to benevolence, at least on a theocentric point of view.

*sigh*

I also feel like my blog is a part of that attempt to be immortal. I want something of me, my thoughts, my ideas, my opinions, my emotions, to just be somewhere in this cold world. So, that maybe one day it would enlighten someone, or give someone hope, or just make them laugh. It would mean that even death cannot stop me from making a difference in this world.

Suddenly my blog is like a philosophy class. Hahaha

Meh, i like being all philosophical and shit. I like big questions and blabbering on the possible answers. That's how i roll.

I should go to sleep now. Bye.

Piece

He grabbed every piece. Every fine and minute shard. Sharp, jagged and hard. Each one cutting into his hand. Red crimson fluid painted his hand, drenching his arms till it drips down his elbows, trailing his path.

But still, he pressed on. Piece after piece. Like a possessed man, blind to the cuts, blind to the pain. He continued walking, lumbering each step like his shoulders carried the weight of the world.

He'd pause for a moment, looking at his blood drenched hands. And in his eyes, a sudden realisation dawn. Like an epiphany. It shined through his eyes. For a moment, he shudders. Shaking, as if he was holding back something. His eyes turns red, and he brings his hands to cover his face, colouring his face in hues of red.

In those tinted red fluid, his tears are covered. The pain suddenly became unbearable. And the cuts burn with agonising heat. And he falls to the ground, and still he becomes. Like a weeping angel, only angelic is far from what he would think he was. A statue forgotten in the dark cold world, where people would stare and marvel at its grotesque beauty, but will never fully understand.

But he gets up, pushing his scared hand to the ground as leverage. Standing frigidly, he continues on his path like a man bound by oath. To wander his lives trying to piece back each broken parts. To make a whole. So, walk he does. Piece by piece. All a fool's promise. But are we all not fools too?

Emok

Hi. I have this cat. Her name is Emok. It sorta means fat piece of shite, roughly translated, but she's not that fat. I didn't give her that name, though. I call her Eowyn, after the slayer of the Witch King Angmar, leader of the Nazguls. (Btw, i am a huge fan of LotR, my favourite character is Lady Galadriel, she badass mother-f)

I named her such because i had another cat before, my beloved Nazgul. He was my loyal servant, just like the Nazguls to Sauron. (Sorry for the plethora of LotR references) Also he was black as night, just like them. He was deadly scared of Eowyn. One day, he just went missing and never came home. And all of a sudden, Eowyn became friendly like Nazgul, which she was never before. That is why i suspected Eowyn had slayed my beloved Nazgul to obtain unrestricted and uncontested food.

She is sly, such a willy thing.

She is sneaky, letting people's guard down with her cute demeanour, but when you are not looking, BAM! She'll get on the table and grab a piece of chicken like lightning.

She'll let you pet and hold her, but if she gets annoyed or you touched her a bit too long or at a wrong place, BAM! She'll scratch you like cheetah protecting her kill from pesky scavengers.

She does that, a lot. But...i love her. Why? Because she is my spirit animal. She embodies me in more ways than i could say. Cunning, devious, tactical, intelligent, and not to mention furry. Hahaha.

She shows me how i am with people. I get close and warm up to get what i need, i stay loyal if you serve my purpose, but once you cross me, intentionally or not, I'll scratch ya.

She doesn't trust people so much, just like me. You kinda do that when you've been disappointed or been hurt by people. You put your guards up. You stay vigilant. You never tell anyone anything that could be used against you. Knowledge is power, people always say. Knowledge on you grants other people power over you.

The power to lie. The power to manipulate. The power to hurt.

And love is but a lowering of defences.

That is why i love my cat, who is both a testament of who i am, but also why i have become so. I guess we are victims of circumstance. Or maybe survivers of it.

Don't

Don't say hi to me,

if it has no value to you.

Don't listen to what I have to say,

if you would only turn away in silence from me one day.

Don't say I have value to you,

if throwing me away is easy.

Don't give me hope of tomorrow,

if you would walk over it and see it crush under your weight.

Don't comfort me with your smile,

if one day it would only turn away from me.

Don't treat me like i'm special,

if to you i'm a dime a dozen.

Don't dance with me under the stars,

if you would leave me in the day.

Don't walk into my life,

if one day you would walk out of it.

Edgeless

The world swirls and twirl around,
Mixing hues of embers and reds,
Turning light to dark and back again,
And eyes open to a world reborn.

Walk on shattered glass that crush,
But hold nothing more than empty thoughts,
To awestruck sights that thread only wonder,
Into wounded tears of torn up hearts.

With slit wrists and broken minds,
Lead with grace and hope abound,
Stumble to stand on mounting doubt,
Pick me up and carry me on.

Wallow or drown in tears no more,
Just float and drift on dreams away,
To waters bright with no end in sight,
An edgeless sea of blinding light.

Reconcile

Hi.
It's been a while, i know. But i needed time for myself. I've been on holiday for a while and i love how you lose track of time in it. I've been feeling better, and worse. Well, you fix one thing another breaks down. I kinda learned to accept that.

I'm sorry about the post before, it seemed kinda.... weird writing in anger. I usually don't like being angry. But i kinda mellowed out a bit and accepted things, you know? It takes time to clear out anger and bring reason into things. I need to learn to be happy just for me, and not let my expectations of people ruin who i am.

Anyway, I've been feeling a little conflicted. I just can't seem to reconcile two opposing ideals. To be who I desire or to be what's right. It's been making me all confused. But I think i need to just let it go. Just not think to much about absolutes and just suffice with being somewhere in between. It's not ideal, but it's better than nothing.

I'm going to start writing again. A little bit at a time. I don't know about what though. Any suggestions? I always like imagining I'm some sort of character or in a situation. I'd be a guy who was born with the gift of necromancy and the next I'll imagine how to survive under the radar of people and away from my family. One second I'm a Eldar Druid in one of my imagined elven world and the next I'm planning a children's book titled 'The Girl Who Reached For The Stars'.

I have a weird brain i guess.