Immortality

Hi. I just had a bath and i was mulling something over, like everyone does when they take a warm shower. I watched this documentary on human belief on National Geographic with Morgan Freeman called "The Story of God" which i find kinda humourous due to him playing God in a few movies.

They showed all the belief of the afterlife based on different religions and also about a lady basically digitalising her partner so that she can be immortal cause she said she can't live without her partner (they were lesbians, btw, hahaha, idk why i had to say that, just for clarity) I find it weird that my mom thinks people trying to find immortality kinda blasphemous, but understandable i suppose.

In addition, i watched this unusual movie called 'Slow West', a kinda indie movie about a guy trying to find his killer girlfriend in the old west, with help from a fugitive/guide Michael Fassbender. Ahhh, such a dreamy hotstuff Mcmuffin. You guys should watch 'Shame' if you want to know how sexy that man is. Hahaha, i am super sleepy cause it's 5 in the morning. I think it's getting to me.

(Side note here, i saw in that movie an excellent example of what i call visual metaphor, kinda ironic really. When the lover guy, Jay, finally meets his girl, she shoots him (accidentally, she was fighting away bounty hunters). Then a Red Indian guy who helped her kiss her on the cheek to calm her down while this Jay guy is bleeding on the floor. Then a bullet shatters a container above Jay, and salt come pouring down on his bullet wound.

Hence the term rubbing salt on one's wound.

Hahaha. I loved that movie at that precise moment. It has a sad ending though.)

Anyway, back on track. I was thinking in the shower and i thought about how i wanna be remembered by people for the good that i have done. It's how i hope to achieve immortality. My actions in this world would create ripples that benefit humanity, which in turn make me immortal through remembrance.

But i said to myself, by wanting so, i wouldn't be good at all. I would be just chasing fame and glory. Not true benevolence.

At that moment i realize why, in Islam at least, we should always do good because of God, and not because of anybody or anything else. We must place Him first before anyone else.

If you do good for people, then what happens if those people turn on you? You would stop, right? If it's for money, fame, glory? If you don't get it, the good you do would stop. But if you do it for God, then you kinda have to do it for eternity.

I guess that's the point. You need something to do good for so that doing all those stuff has meaning and purpose but that something has to be outside of the realm of manipulation so that the good you do doesn't impact you or society negatively. Kinda smart i suppose.

So, i guess intentional immortality through remembrance is out of the picture. I'll have to actually do something really good without all them hubris to get to that.

But i guess that's the point really. You do good for everyone and let the most just and benevolent, God to reward you accordingly. The path to benevolence, at least on a theocentric point of view.

*sigh*

I also feel like my blog is a part of that attempt to be immortal. I want something of me, my thoughts, my ideas, my opinions, my emotions, to just be somewhere in this cold world. So, that maybe one day it would enlighten someone, or give someone hope, or just make them laugh. It would mean that even death cannot stop me from making a difference in this world.

Suddenly my blog is like a philosophy class. Hahaha

Meh, i like being all philosophical and shit. I like big questions and blabbering on the possible answers. That's how i roll.

I should go to sleep now. Bye.

Piece

He grabbed every piece. Every fine and minute shard. Sharp, jagged and hard. Each one cutting into his hand. Red crimson fluid painted his hand, drenching his arms till it drips down his elbows, trailing his path.

But still, he pressed on. Piece after piece. Like a possessed man, blind to the cuts, blind to the pain. He continued walking, lumbering each step like his shoulders carried the weight of the world.

He'd pause for a moment, looking at his blood drenched hands. And in his eyes, a sudden realisation dawn. Like an epiphany. It shined through his eyes. For a moment, he shudders. Shaking, as if he was holding back something. His eyes turns red, and he brings his hands to cover his face, colouring his face in hues of red.

In those tinted red fluid, his tears are covered. The pain suddenly became unbearable. And the cuts burn with agonising heat. And he falls to the ground, and still he becomes. Like a weeping angel, only angelic is far from what he would think he was. A statue forgotten in the dark cold world, where people would stare and marvel at its grotesque beauty, but will never fully understand.

But he gets up, pushing his scared hand to the ground as leverage. Standing frigidly, he continues on his path like a man bound by oath. To wander his lives trying to piece back each broken parts. To make a whole. So, walk he does. Piece by piece. All a fool's promise. But are we all not fools too?

Emok

Hi. I have this cat. Her name is Emok. It sorta means fat piece of shite, roughly translated, but she's not that fat. I didn't give her that name, though. I call her Eowyn, after the slayer of the Witch King Angmar, leader of the Nazguls. (Btw, i am a huge fan of LotR, my favourite character is Lady Galadriel, she badass mother-f)

I named her such because i had another cat before, my beloved Nazgul. He was my loyal servant, just like the Nazguls to Sauron. (Sorry for the plethora of LotR references) Also he was black as night, just like them. He was deadly scared of Eowyn. One day, he just went missing and never came home. And all of a sudden, Eowyn became friendly like Nazgul, which she was never before. That is why i suspected Eowyn had slayed my beloved Nazgul to obtain unrestricted and uncontested food.

She is sly, such a willy thing.

She is sneaky, letting people's guard down with her cute demeanour, but when you are not looking, BAM! She'll get on the table and grab a piece of chicken like lightning.

She'll let you pet and hold her, but if she gets annoyed or you touched her a bit too long or at a wrong place, BAM! She'll scratch you like cheetah protecting her kill from pesky scavengers.

She does that, a lot. But...i love her. Why? Because she is my spirit animal. She embodies me in more ways than i could say. Cunning, devious, tactical, intelligent, and not to mention furry. Hahaha.

She shows me how i am with people. I get close and warm up to get what i need, i stay loyal if you serve my purpose, but once you cross me, intentionally or not, I'll scratch ya.

She doesn't trust people so much, just like me. You kinda do that when you've been disappointed or been hurt by people. You put your guards up. You stay vigilant. You never tell anyone anything that could be used against you. Knowledge is power, people always say. Knowledge on you grants other people power over you.

The power to lie. The power to manipulate. The power to hurt.

And love is but a lowering of defences.

That is why i love my cat, who is both a testament of who i am, but also why i have become so. I guess we are victims of circumstance. Or maybe survivers of it.

Don't

Don't say hi to me,

if it has no value to you.

Don't listen to what I have to say,

if you would only turn away in silence from me one day.

Don't say I have value to you,

if throwing me away is easy.

Don't give me hope of tomorrow,

if you would walk over it and see it crush under your weight.

Don't comfort me with your smile,

if one day it would only turn away from me.

Don't treat me like i'm special,

if to you i'm a dime a dozen.

Don't dance with me under the stars,

if you would leave me in the day.

Don't walk into my life,

if one day you would walk out of it.

Edgeless

The world swirls and twirl around,
Mixing hues of embers and reds,
Turning light to dark and back again,
And eyes open to a world reborn.

Walk on shattered glass that crush,
But hold nothing more than empty thoughts,
To awestruck sights that thread only wonder,
Into wounded tears of torn up hearts.

With slit wrists and broken minds,
Lead with grace and hope abound,
Stumble to stand on mounting doubt,
Pick me up and carry me on.

Wallow or drown in tears no more,
Just float and drift on dreams away,
To waters bright with no end in sight,
An edgeless sea of blinding light.

Reconcile

Hi.
It's been a while, i know. But i needed time for myself. I've been on holiday for a while and i love how you lose track of time in it. I've been feeling better, and worse. Well, you fix one thing another breaks down. I kinda learned to accept that.

I'm sorry about the post before, it seemed kinda.... weird writing in anger. I usually don't like being angry. But i kinda mellowed out a bit and accepted things, you know? It takes time to clear out anger and bring reason into things. I need to learn to be happy just for me, and not let my expectations of people ruin who i am.

Anyway, I've been feeling a little conflicted. I just can't seem to reconcile two opposing ideals. To be who I desire or to be what's right. It's been making me all confused. But I think i need to just let it go. Just not think to much about absolutes and just suffice with being somewhere in between. It's not ideal, but it's better than nothing.

I'm going to start writing again. A little bit at a time. I don't know about what though. Any suggestions? I always like imagining I'm some sort of character or in a situation. I'd be a guy who was born with the gift of necromancy and the next I'll imagine how to survive under the radar of people and away from my family. One second I'm a Eldar Druid in one of my imagined elven world and the next I'm planning a children's book titled 'The Girl Who Reached For The Stars'.

I have a weird brain i guess.

Happy Birthday.

Hi. It's January 1st on the new year and why not we start of with something depressing. Woohoo.

My birthday was on 30th December and i had to spend it studying for an exam that, in the end, i screwed up anyway. But, unusually, i am quite okay with that. Shit happens.

What got me a little down was how literally all my friends here didn't know that it was my birthday. Not even a single one.

I am not expecting an all out birthday bash with strippers, a pool, booze and more strippers. I kinda hate big flashy events. All i expected was someone to wish me a happy birthday. That's it. No need for presents, cake and all that jazz.

And i am not even expecting everyone to wish me. Even if one freaking person just wished me something, it would've made my day.

I know, all you people are saying, what's the big deal? Nobody wished you, boo hoo, man the fuck up and stop being a pussy.

That's not the part that drove me insane.

They, my friends, would always greet everyone's, and i mean every fucking one of the guy's birthday with loud screams and the usual chaos. So loud you could hear the screams from a mile away. And...nothing. Not a peep.

That's not the part that made me scratch my scalp off.

One of my closest friend's here, my ex roommate, didn't even know, but i forgive him. But he just had to come in my room on that day and tell me some chicks birthday is tomorrow and i should wish her.

Goodness to fuck, that made me just want to pry my fucking testicles off with a crowbar and impale myself on an obelisk.

I felt like a fucking.... I have no words to describe how i feel.

And today, the 31st, i just shook it off and tried to do the exam that i screw up as well as i could. Then, my other friend found out on Facebook and he wished me a happy belated birthday. Then, cascade of WhatsApp messages came in, even from my dearest roommate.

And i felt like a okayyyy, i am obligated to say something nice. I said thanks and everyone went on their merry way. Even my ex roommate didn't say a word about it outside WhatsApp.

And i felt like i am just here as a piece of nothing. Like i am easily forgotten and passed through just like that.

And a lot of other things has made me feel this way. Tons more. Some that broke me a little too much. And it all just added up to this last straw that broke he camel's back.

I knew they were gonna go out tonight and do something since it was New Years Eve but i felt like i was not a part of the circle i thought i was in. I felt like an outsider that didn't belong.

So i ran and went into hiding, enjoying some alone time. They called but i didn't answer. And came back to my room and locked the door. And just stayed inside, away from people. They knocked on the door, but i made it as though i wasn't there.

I was hurt. But i tried my best not to show it. I played a few games and sooner or later i had to open the door, which i did. They acted like everything is just dandy. Asked me where i was. I said i went out. They made jokes on how i had enjoyed my birthday with a girl and shit like that. I didn't laugh.

No one should ever spend their birthday alone, thinking people don't care about them. Especially by the closest people to them.

I don't know what to feel anymore. I am not angry. All i feel is just an overwhelming feeling of tiredness. I am just tired of it all. I'll pick up the pieces and put it back together again. And the next thing you know, they break it again. They break everything i am. And i just pick it back up again.

I guess that's my birthday present. Happy fucking birthday!