Retrospect

I'll just keep it simple. I have never felt so happy in my life. Never. Last Wednesday,I took my result. And I was happy. If someone else got it,I'm sure they would frown or worse, but I was just super bloody content. I was happy, joyful, uplifted, ecstatic and everything in between. I never felt so... that. I can't even describe the feeling. I guess the closest thing is floating. That.

Because I didn't do my best. I didn't gave it my all,but I still got better than some unfortunate souls. And even though I tried to gave them my best words of comfort,I knew if I were in their place,I would've done worst than just mope around. Much worst. But I didn't. And for that I'm eternally grateful to the man upstairs.

Now,I wondered,why was I so happy like a child who just won a chocolate factory? Even that night,at 5, I tried to sleep after waking up and I couldn't,because I was shaking from the sheer joy of it all. Then,it hit me (And wondered why I hadn't thought of it in the first place).


My life has not been an easy one. I was puking like a drunk lord, cut open by a scalpel, had my intestines spewed out of me like a slaughtered animal, had it stitched up, had been humiliated in public in more numerous occasion than I'd like to count, had gone to counselling all by the ripe age of ten.(crazy since birth,haha! I bet the intestines had something to do with it.)

I had almost broken my back,nearly humiliated myself to death, (God,thinking of that moment makes me want to kill myself) went through 'my parents didn't love me' phase, had more fingers than friends, went through 'God kill me please,I beg you' phase,not to mention neat freak phase, went through puberty. (at least,I thought it was, I think)

Then,went to a parasitic phase,everything after that is much of a blur, but then it went downhill,then back up,then the imaginary phase went on (till now), then I had the same amount of friends than I had a heart,which was none, went through insanity and back, then back to more fingers than friends, then broke my fingers and said I had none. Fell in love then forgot that I had no heart,so no need for that. Went through insanity (again!) and never came back.

And now I'm here.

I've been through more than I care to remember,and for that I have aged more than it shows on my id. But for such a small thing,that results showed me more than just how I did in the exam. It build a path across to the future,for more hell on Earth,and for the good things to come.

The end.

"I loved you. Loved. Sometimes I wake up and wonder what the fuck did I did wrong. But now I know that I did nothing wrong, that it was not my fault. Trust me, I'm not the type that blames the world for all the bad things that happen. You were the one that didn't understood how much you were to me. I knew your painful past, I knew you did asked to be loved. But have you ever wondered if I asked to love you? No. Love was the last thing on my mind. But every time I looked at your face, my heart leaped. In my mind, I had hoped you could have put you past behind you and find it in yourself to love someone else. At the very least try.

But no,you couldn't,could you? Do you know what's worse than getting your heart broken? Watching it silently dying a slow death. You couldn't say a thing. Nothing. Not even a word. Maybe I was partially to blame for not confronting you face to face, but you put in no effort to try and say something. Nothing. I disdain hating people, but God, you were the first one to ever go so far.

Now,I hope,if there is any justice in this world,if there is such thing as karma,fate or destiny, that you feel what I felt. That one day,when you're walking down a street, you bump into a guy that you never knew. You'd say sorry and he'll apologize too. You then couldn't stop thinking of how mesmerizing his eyes were,how charming his laugh was. That you then met him again,and you'll exchange numbers, and maybe hoped that he'll call for a date,which he will. You'll go and have a blast and think that you maybe in love. You'll wait after you get to know each other,after you think you are close enough. He'll open up and tell you what's in his heart. You'll spend days,hanging out like you were friends from kindergarten and bickering like you've been married in another life. You'll look in the mirror and tell yourself that today is the day and say that you tell him you love him. And nothing.

I hope you question everything that you did,wondering what you did wrong.I hope you tried everything but he wouldn't answer you. I hope you feel angry and want to burn everything in sight. I hope you contemplate on knife-shopping. A butcher knife or an average kitchen knife. I hope he'll sap every ounce of your will to live,and when you don't have any, you're too lifeless to kill yourself.

I'm not some psycho who wants you to die a horrible death. I want you feel. I want you to know. Because,I don't think you learned your lesson. You know how it felt, yet still.

Now,my heart is healing,but it will never forget its mistake. Of caring someone who never did care. I wish you a long and happy life nevertheless. You deserve it. I thank you for making me wiser and for showing me that love is not that beautiful,great and happy things that we find in a book or a song.

I'll find someone else,and you will too,eventually. But one thing is for sure,she will never be you. Because she'll have one thing that you don't. A heart."