Edgeless

The world swirls and twirl around,
Mixing hues of embers and reds,
Turning light to dark and back again,
And eyes open to a world reborn.

Walk on shattered glass that crush,
But hold nothing more than empty thoughts,
To awestruck sights that thread only wonder,
Into wounded tears of torn up hearts.

With slit wrists and broken minds,
Lead with grace and hope abound,
Stumble to stand on mounting doubt,
Pick me up and carry me on.

Wallow or drown in tears no more,
Just float and drift on dreams away,
To waters bright with no end in sight,
An edgeless sea of blinding light.

Reconcile

Hi.
It's been a while, i know. But i needed time for myself. I've been on holiday for a while and i love how you lose track of time in it. I've been feeling better, and worse. Well, you fix one thing another breaks down. I kinda learned to accept that.

I'm sorry about the post before, it seemed kinda.... weird writing in anger. I usually don't like being angry. But i kinda mellowed out a bit and accepted things, you know? It takes time to clear out anger and bring reason into things. I need to learn to be happy just for me, and not let my expectations of people ruin who i am.

Anyway, I've been feeling a little conflicted. I just can't seem to reconcile two opposing ideals. To be who I desire or to be what's right. It's been making me all confused. But I think i need to just let it go. Just not think to much about absolutes and just suffice with being somewhere in between. It's not ideal, but it's better than nothing.

I'm going to start writing again. A little bit at a time. I don't know about what though. Any suggestions? I always like imagining I'm some sort of character or in a situation. I'd be a guy who was born with the gift of necromancy and the next I'll imagine how to survive under the radar of people and away from my family. One second I'm a Eldar Druid in one of my imagined elven world and the next I'm planning a children's book titled 'The Girl Who Reached For The Stars'.

I have a weird brain i guess.

Happy Birthday.

Hi. It's January 1st on the new year and why not we start of with something depressing. Woohoo.

My birthday was on 30th December and i had to spend it studying for an exam that, in the end, i screwed up anyway. But, unusually, i am quite okay with that. Shit happens.

What got me a little down was how literally all my friends here didn't know that it was my birthday. Not even a single one.

I am not expecting an all out birthday bash with strippers, a pool, booze and more strippers. I kinda hate big flashy events. All i expected was someone to wish me a happy birthday. That's it. No need for presents, cake and all that jazz.

And i am not even expecting everyone to wish me. Even if one freaking person just wished me something, it would've made my day.

I know, all you people are saying, what's the big deal? Nobody wished you, boo hoo, man the fuck up and stop being a pussy.

That's not the part that drove me insane.

They, my friends, would always greet everyone's, and i mean every fucking one of the guy's birthday with loud screams and the usual chaos. So loud you could hear the screams from a mile away. And...nothing. Not a peep.

That's not the part that made me scratch my scalp off.

One of my closest friend's here, my ex roommate, didn't even know, but i forgive him. But he just had to come in my room on that day and tell me some chicks birthday is tomorrow and i should wish her.

Goodness to fuck, that made me just want to pry my fucking testicles off with a crowbar and impale myself on an obelisk.

I felt like a fucking.... I have no words to describe how i feel.

And today, the 31st, i just shook it off and tried to do the exam that i screw up as well as i could. Then, my other friend found out on Facebook and he wished me a happy belated birthday. Then, cascade of WhatsApp messages came in, even from my dearest roommate.

And i felt like a okayyyy, i am obligated to say something nice. I said thanks and everyone went on their merry way. Even my ex roommate didn't say a word about it outside WhatsApp.

And i felt like i am just here as a piece of nothing. Like i am easily forgotten and passed through just like that.

And a lot of other things has made me feel this way. Tons more. Some that broke me a little too much. And it all just added up to this last straw that broke he camel's back.

I knew they were gonna go out tonight and do something since it was New Years Eve but i felt like i was not a part of the circle i thought i was in. I felt like an outsider that didn't belong.

So i ran and went into hiding, enjoying some alone time. They called but i didn't answer. And came back to my room and locked the door. And just stayed inside, away from people. They knocked on the door, but i made it as though i wasn't there.

I was hurt. But i tried my best not to show it. I played a few games and sooner or later i had to open the door, which i did. They acted like everything is just dandy. Asked me where i was. I said i went out. They made jokes on how i had enjoyed my birthday with a girl and shit like that. I didn't laugh.

No one should ever spend their birthday alone, thinking people don't care about them. Especially by the closest people to them.

I don't know what to feel anymore. I am not angry. All i feel is just an overwhelming feeling of tiredness. I am just tired of it all. I'll pick up the pieces and put it back together again. And the next thing you know, they break it again. They break everything i am. And i just pick it back up again.

I guess that's my birthday present. Happy fucking birthday!