Ready?

It is three in the morning. I am on my bed and I thought, what a great time to write something. Though i'll be posting this a bit later on due to me being too tired to connect to the internet.

You know, I have been thinking about relationships a lot of late. Idk, maybe it is just the thing that comes with age. Hormones, messing things up since puberty.

Anyway, I just feel like I should be in one. Hahaha. I know it seems a little forward but yeah, i'd love one. One relationship, please, extra love and no cheating on the side. I know it seem like with my emotions being so unstable, i am just insane to think such. Well, I should listen to insanity once in a while.

It took me a while to get to this stage. I kinda went into a major depressive moment during my high school days because of that magic little thing called love. Alas, it is all water under the bridge now. I know, took me like eons to get over a girl. I am just not the kinda guy that likes something and let them go as easily.

I've been trying to avoid relationships because I had a few hiccups that I thought would be a pretty bad thing in relationship, including the emotions. But then I thought, hell, these shit is me, its basically who I am, and it is not going away soon. So what the heck.

Though I do not want to burden my partner with my volatile emotions, i'd rather have the good side of the sandwich that is yours truly, not the side with the pickles. I even thought of going for counselling, but never got to it. Ha, such a lazy ass. I just don't want my girl to have to worry too much about how I am. I need professional help, i'll get to it, eventually.

Aside from the crazy-stay-away-warning sign I just placed on my forehead, I still think I should be in a relationship. But alas, even by being a very intelligent and good looking guy, I find it hard to get the chicks. God knows, must be the beard. Hahaha. Oh, I have a beard/ goatee thing going on now, I kinda like it.

This post is just insane now I think about it. Meh. I just want a girl to love, you know. Someone nice, funny, entertaining, smart, outgoing, and just downright awesome. And a killer smile, can't forget that. Someone to hold when thing get too rough and to talk to when life gets too out of hand.

Hmmmmm, is that person out there? A guy has to have his dreams. Cross all fingers, eh?

Difference in Sounds

I've been listening to Coldplay super religiously. Not all their songs, just a few. And i don't know why, i get very emotional listening to them. Like they speak to me in more ways than one. Like it pierced into something so deep in me and now i am just a leaking mess of emotions.

My mood have been pretty erratic of late and listening to these songs are really causing serious havoc. Like seriously, i didn't even want to wake up today. And I basically slept through the entire day.

*sigh*

The funny thing is, the songs aren't really that sad. I love the songs. It's just that they... trigger the wrong buttons, i suppose. God, life is just so darn hard. And i know that i am more blessed than the millions of people that suffer out there. But that doesn't make my life any easier.

I just wish that life, just like magic, could end, and i would go to paradise because it seems like every teardrop is a waterfall, and i am drowning right in front of everyone.

I would love to rant out every single explicit detail on what i am feeling but i rather leave it under the covers. No point in babbling out intimate matters. Lets just say things are not as good as they seem.

Alas, life has to go on. In the meantime, i'll enjoy some music till God comes to take me home.

Magic

You face me, but i have no heart to look into your eyes. I would say anything, do anything to make you go away, but i just can't. I just couldn't. I feel your touch, gentler than mine, touching my face, unknowingly touching my heart.

I feel you inside my soul, like a cloud that fills, like a fire that warms, like a breeze that calms. No person could make me weak like you. And could make me rise like you. You make me stare into those eyes of yours, and i wish i had died just before.

"Tell me, the truth. I know you. And I... I know you, don't I? I know the truth, but I want you to just say it. Why won't you say it?"

My throat chokes with a sadness that lies too deep within me. My eyes are holding back so much emotion that it could blind me. I know the words. It rings every time you touch my hand, every time we lay down together and gaze at the stars, every time I see you. But....

"I can't. I just can't. You know why. I would change the world for you, but I can't. I can't change the fact that I just can't....love you."

You turn away from me, to hide the pain, to hide the tears, and stabbing me would hurt less than this.

"Why? Why can't you just follow what your heart tells you? Why can't you just..."

A tear crushes all my defenses. I do. And I want to. I would let you grab my hand and take me wherever you want to go. The sky, the clouds, the stars. I would never let go.  But.....

"Please. Don't...."

I want to hold you. And let you hold me. I want to let go of everything and just be with you. Just to let you hold me and be free. Be free with you. But just as much as I want it, it is like a dream. Just as much as i want it to never end, I know I'll have to wake up.

"Just go. If you won't love....if you won't let yourself love me, why won't you just go?"

The knife that cuts. I have never felt I wanted to be nothing more than at this very moment. My feet stood where they are. Immobilized. Paralyzed. Stuck.

"Because.....I don't have the strength to let you go."

You turn back with bloodshot eyes and moist face that i rather have not been the cause. You hold me in your arms, and if there were any defenses left standing, they are non-existent now. I hugged you back. Your breath is labored and you hold me tight as if to not let me go. And I feel like a sugar-coated time bomb ticking away.

"Why do you have to make things so hard? Why? I just can't do this...this roller-coaster. I just don't want to ....please, I just want you. And you know you feel the same. Don't do this."

I know what's next. I know what comes. And I wish i didn't.

"If you had to choose, i know you would choose me. If I had to choose, you would know my choice, but what you don't know is that i have no options. Please just...."

You let go, and it felt like the world has fallen into frost. With tears, you fell back.

"I..just. I..I... Thanks, for everything. I'll always feel the same, and i'll always hope you change your mind. Don't ever change. And just..."

You turn and walked away from me, stopping short.

"I love you. I really do."

You paused, and I knew what you wanted. But to give it to you would be poisoning us both. I had to be the one that saves us, even if it kills me in turn. You turned and walked away, and for the last time. That face, that touch, that laugh, that smile, that mind, that heart. All that. Gone. My knees felt like rubber and i fell to the ground.

" And I do too. Always had and always will."

And, like magic, you were out of my life.