It's 3:17 in the morning as i am writing this, I just finished watching The Fault In Our Stars, and my room is dim, and i am just a lost person.
God, I don't know who read all the things that i write on here, i always assume no one ever read these things i write.
But, i hope, who ever you are, may it be Atikah, my most treasured fan, to my family, when they read this when they have long buried me deep in the ground, or some random stranger who by the darnest chance happen to stumble and see these strings of words that form my thoughts, my hope, my love, everything i am; that I, even if i never get a moment to form a simple thought about you, I truly and with my whole heart, love you.
You ever get that feeling before you get sick that you kinda 'know' you're sick? Well, i just want to say i told you so. Some days I could wake up and the day would be as normal as it can be, but in between, just like a car with engine problems, you get this moments of.... i can't explain it. A mixture of pain, horror, rage, anger, sadness, bitterness, madness, insanity, self-pity, all jumbled together to make one big ball of mess. And I just can't function.
Do you know how hard it is to function, to keep a straight face when you insides feel like it's going to explode? I have to do that every day. To add insult to injury, I am a mess when it comes to desires. I always want what i can't or shouldn't have.
I always thought about death. The natural non-suicidal kind, mind you. Life for me is like going to a long war. You always have to keep your guard up, watching for things that try to fuck you up. And at the end there is death, the big white flag at the of the war. You don't know if you've won or not, but you are just happy the battle's over.
Watching TFIOS made me realize what the hell is wrong with me. I just want love. That's it. Diagnosis done, get your medication down at the dispensary, son. But you try and try, and i am so tired of trying. I picture one day I'll be sitting next to whoever that loves me, someone who takes me and everything i am, and make life worth all of it. And i just know i am dreaming a little too much.
God, i have no idea what i am rambling about.
I try to imagine what Hazel from the movie feels, losing someone i love. And since i don't have anybody to call my own, I picture losing the first woman i ever loved. My mother. And i hate that i have dreamed it before. God, when it happens, ripping my heart out would hurt less.
The fact that she would be gone is one thing, But to walk down a street and see her favourite food or a blouse she would like and know that I can never share her warm smile, hear what she would say, hold her close, smell her perfume, not one thing i can have with her anymore. Now that, would kill me. I am a very imaginative person, and I know my imagination would keep her alive. But like everything, you can only imagine things so far till you hit reality. And reality hurts.
All in all, what the hell am I saying? I think what I am trying to say is I don't want to give up this life yet. I have done so much to get this far, and i just want something in return. I just want to be happy with someone and dance at the beach to Bob Acri- Sleep Away, the song i strictly reserve to dance with someone that loves me more than chocolates and ice cream. I want it to hurt them if I go just as much as it hurts me if they go. I want someone to remember me by, just in case i forget who i am. Which i do quite often.
