Halls of Chains

My mind is a very big place. It's sort of a kingdom i made in my leisure time but the main building in which I usually spend my time is the Sanctum, sort of like an administrative office slash royal residency (mind you, i run a monarchy here, no time for democracy).

There's the dinning halls, passageways. Nature everywhere. The Hall of the Council, where most of my time is spent arguing with imaginary people on what I should or shouldn't do. Many rooms, both ancient and modern at the same time. A combination of duality of my persona.

But there is this one place, deep below the structure, inaccessible to all where I keep my demons.

The Hall of Chains.

There you would meet fragments of me that you haven't met, and hopefully you never will. It's not a full house and additions are something of a rarity but it's inhabitants are.... something.

I keep Rage there. He mostly sits quietly in his cell, chained at both feet and arms, able to roam around. But when tested, his screams are strong enough to make the energy barrier falter. I hate trying to placate him but I'd be worse to let him out. His chains are made of patience and faith, both not my strong points.

There are others, Darkness. He escapes a lot but we always find a way to send him back. Others are best not mentioned.

They all look like me, but inside they've lost most of what I am. But the weird thing is that they are not there unwilling.

They offered to be kept there. To ensure their king would succeed. They know that cooperation is the only way we all get through.

My demons and angels knew we had to find some common ground for us to get by. An arrangement that both sides get something out of it.

And you thought i was normal.

Space or Void?

Hi. It's been a while. I've been so busy, i can't even think straight (heh).

Anyway, I thought I'd something off my chest. And, as always, it's because of a movie.

Truthfully, I hate movies. Not because they're bad, heck I could watch a really bad movie and still say positive things (with only one exception, The Last Airbender. God, M. Night Shamalamawhatchamacallit butchered that movie).

I hate it cause I get immersed. I'm not watching, I'm in it.

I'm the actor; fighting the monsters, travelling to space, going on adventures, shit like that. I leave this world behind and... I don't want to go back. To the mundane, depressed and melancholic old me. It's painful to say the least. When you've got so many burdens in this world and you get the opportunity to let them all go.... I can't describe it to you.

For once. you're free.

But what kills me the most is romance. Fuck. The staring, the smiles, the laughter, the joy, bliss. Having someone to be there when you need them. Support you, comfort you, wanting you. It burns a hole straight through my chest.

Do you know what It's like to want something so bad but you can't because you'll lose everything in return?

I tell people I can't stand movies because I get agitated sitting down for long periods of time like I have ADHD or something. It's because to sit there, watching something way better than your sad life, it hurts you in ways you can only imagine. And I'm not a masochist.

P.S. The movie was The Space Between Us. Ugh. The only plus point was watching Asa Butterfield. I like them not-your-average looking guys.

Questions

Why are you unhappy?

"Well, that's a pretty easy question with a difficult explanation. I'll try to keep it true without being too emotional about it.

I don't like who i am. I look at myself and don't like the person. The way he looks, feels, loves; his actions, thoughts. Most of it. To say i hate every part of me is an overstatement, but enough of me is despised.

I think bad things. I want things people shouldn't. I think less of myself. Shit like that. Details are long but that's the gist.

And it's keep me from making something of myself. I am standing in my own path.

I know everything i need to do but when you're alone, you become this thing that is paradoxical. It's like trying to grab a knife to save yourself from drowning. You end up even more worse than you started."

Spectrum

I love walking down the beach at dawn. I do it whenever we have vacations by the sea. I am not a morning person, mind you. I rather spend mornings in bed. This counts as the very few exceptions i would ever make for early morning activities.

There is something about the seaside that draws me and yet pushes me away. Like the tide. I love it so much. I could sit and stare at the sea for ages. It's so peaceful and calming. Repetitive.

I feel like for that moment the ocean and i are one. And all the woes and worries, sorrows and darkness, melts away. Washed anew everything i know. I forget my family, friends, people and.... just be me for a second.

I've loved the ocean ever since i was small going on holidays, making sandcastles and looking for clams. My best memories are by the sea. With its wind caressing every strand of my hair, its spectrum of rays that change every single moment of the day and its clear pristine waters revitalising my soul.

There is nothing like it.

I feel kinda stupid trying to explain it to people. I know people don't feel it like i do. Like a deep underlying link steming from an understanding older than maybe both of us.

At the same time, i learned one of the greatest lesson of life right by the waters i love, that nothing is permanent.

Time goes. Things change. People leave. Holidays ends.

It's sort of unnerving, sometimes even scary to look at beauty of the sea, or anything for that matter, and think it will never last never or look the same as of right now. And both you and everything are morphed by each other presence.

What a weird and beautiful world we live in.

In my mind, heaven is by the sea. With my family and friends. All smiling and happy against the waves of the sea.