Letters from the Heart

Hello there. I know it has been a while since i wrote anything. I've been a little busy being obsessive. *insert crazy maniacal laugh here*

Over what, that should be obvious, i talked about it in my last post. Watching videos like a fucking moron while i have a fucking test tomorrow. But meh, i hate myself too much to care about such menial and trivial matters. *insert British accent and posh laughter here*

Okay, we are getting away from the topic. The reason why i am writing this to pass on a bit of my will. Yes, the kind of will you hear when people die and give away stuff, mind you. Though i am not dying, at least not yet, i am making a few preparations for my departure.

I am planning to write letters to important people in my life and i will place it all in the draft section of my blog. I haven't wrote many, just one for now, but i am planning to write more in time.

All i am asking is for you, any of you dear readers who had a chance to know me in real life, is to unlock my blog with my passing and pass what letters that i write to the people I that have made a big difference in my life. All are labeled Letters:......., intended for said person. That is all i ask.

And i know it seems highly morbid. You would think..."What do you mean? You gonna kill yourself by jumping of a building? If so, do a backflip please? " No, i have no plans for suicide for like...ever, so don't worry about it.

I just thought i'd leave something behind for all those people i love that had changed me for the best, and maybe worst.

When I thought about death and dying, all i could think of is to ask God for a favour. I know He takes very good care of everyone and i am not doubting His capabilities. I would want to ask Him for the permission to look after all the people I care about. Like a guardian angel. I know it's silly to think about that and i don't think He'll grant me special treatment, but hey, you never know.

I want to look after all the people i kept in my heart and make sure they remain safe. I always believed that God sent me here on this earth to love people and take care of them. And I've been hurt many times, and still being hurt by people. But i never blamed them. I always see that it was me who was lacking. It was me who didn't love or cared or give more.

And i guess i am not making any sense anymore. It's been a rough day. I hope someone will read this and help fulfil a stupid guy's wish. Though, you would have a hard time on one of them.  Oh well, you'll figure something out. I thank you in advance.

And if i don't write a letter to you, it's not that you haven't made a difference in my life, it is just that i was most likely too lazy or just died before i had a chance. So, yeah, sorry about that. But know that I'll watch closely if i get the chance. Because even though i can't write everyone a letter, i most certainly can love, and care and pray for all the good in the world to be with you.

And I'll always be with you, in your heart that never stopped loving me, and in the life you live that i have done my best to make a difference.

P.S: On the off chance i end up in purgatory or something (cause i am a messed up shit of a person), could you pray and ask God to let me go or at least take it easy on me? That'll be great, thanks.

Out and About

Hi. Hmmmm. I don't really know where to start. I guess the beginning seems good. I always knew something was different about me. I couldn't pin out why.

Like all guys who explore a little who they are when they're young, I didn't think that i was different, not by a lot at least. But when you grow up and reach a stage, you look back, laugh and just go "aaahhh".

I didn't seem to explore much of what was out there. I just keep to my own world and did my own things. Growing up, that focus always had to go outwards. And I saw people and loved people. I think that is where it started to show.

When you love people and they don't love you back, it does something to you. Your psyche. It just breaks. And it's stupid to think it'll be normal after you piece all the pieces together. I didn't get that it was just a part of life.

I lost myself to darkness. But when I got up and shook it off, i knew i wouldn't come out as someone who was normal.

I tried to shrug it off, like it was a phase or something. Maybe it is. I don't know. I don't really know what to think about it. I gave in or I fought it. Always in limbo as if some sort of dance and I'm being twirled around, not knowing which way is up.

Seeing people live free and be who they desire seem like a breath of fresh air at the edge of a cliff. I know if I take a deep one, I'll fall and never go back.

I'm really trying not to sound melancholic about it but it just comes out that way. And I don't know what I'll do and what's gonna be in my future. All i know is that I'm just like every other person on this planet. Trying to make sense of their part in the world.

In the end, we're all the same really. We're broken up by the same things. We look at the world with the same hope. We lie in bed and dream of the same dreams. We just want the same thing. Love. Well, maybe not exactly, but you get the point.

A Force For Good

Hi. I know blog posting have been a little thin for a while, yeah, but i haven't been feeling myself in a very long while. Well, I've been feeling the usual mind numbing depression but i don't really consider that as my myself.

I've been a little down with a lot of things. Feeling overwhelmed with work. Not feeling like have any value towards society. Having feelings of not being appreciated by friends. Questioning my s...woah. Slow down there buddy. Back it up. Yeah. Basically truckloads of feelings. All aboard the feels train. You get a feel! You get a feel! Everybody gets a feel!

And all them feels inhibit writing capabilities. So yeah. I've been trying to write an event of my life for a long while and i kind of stopped because all them feels. Ugh. And it has been ages since the accident.

And all of a sudden. I've been watching videos like super bonkers crazy. And i mean it, people. Loads. But i have been in love with one guy. *sighs at enchanting magnificence that is....* Mr. Mark Edward Fischbach (i hope i spelt it right) a.k.a Markiplier, Markimoo, and the ever popular Darkiplier . He is just da bomb. He play games for a living! How super mother effing cool is that! But he does loads more than that. Charity work, pole dancing (sexy buns there, Mark), and just tons more. Not to mention he is just epically funny in every way possible. Well, to me at least. I watched him play Five Nights at Freddie's, Vanish, Outlast and just tons of indie games and goddamn, i love that man.

So, as i was doing my usual video binge, i stumbled upon a video of him. He wanted to thank all his subscribers by telling his life story on how he got to where he was with so many subscribers. And it broke my heart. He went through a lot to get where he was. Hell and back. And i just lay in the darkness and teared up. God, i am such a pussy.

And then i saw a video of him reacting to a video (complicated, i know) that his fans made and i cried with him. Not really tears of sadness. But of joy. I was soooo happy that from all the darkness that he faced, it got him where he is now, with like 10 million subscribers and he got on the YouTube Rewind add and all them other great things. I was happy for everything he achieved. And for all the lives he changed with his jovial nature, his screams (he does tons of horror playthroughs), and his laughter.

He is a nice guy. And i want that. I want a life that touches other people's lives. That changes them for the better. Even in the smallest way. I want to look back and see that in the darkness that i have so valiantly face, the small shards of happiness was there all along. And when you reach a point in your life and look back, you see a tapestry of blinding brilliance that is your life. I want that.

I want to be a force for good. I just do. And i ain't going to give up. I am jumping into the abyss. I am treading the muddy bogs. I will venture the stormy seas. And i will come back stronger, wiser, and better. And i will love people, with all my heart, even if it breaks me in two. I will do whatever it takes to be that force for good, to the very end.

And them depressive, dark and unyielding thoughts, y'all just gonna come for the ride now, ya motherfuckers!

Letters from the Edge of Time

To my beloved,

How are you? I hope your smile has never left your lips in sadness. I hope your days be filled with the rays of beauty. And i hope i have found a secure place in your heart.

There is no day that have passed that i do not think of you. From the dawn to the dusk, your being permeates to my core. It breathes into me life every day. Like a spring mist. Like summer breeze. Like an autumn rain. Like winter snow.

I look outside and i see us, laying beneath white clouds, counting the bees that pass us by. I look outside and i see us, treading a stream with clothes held above our feet and you falling in it with tremendous grace. I look outside and i see us, dancing under the stars with your face radiating with lunar glow.

I miss you so. I have never missed someone so much. I love you. And i don't want to love anyone else.

Until these hands can hold you as close as i hold this pen now, i will cling to the thoughts of you and let them grow in my heart.

Eternally and truthfully yours.
Your beloved.

Changeling

It's four in the morning and i am trying to fulfill someone's request. A funny one i suppose but I'll do my best.

Someone asked me to talk about being ourselves and fitting in. Two things i think i am so far off from. Haha. All my life, i never felt like fit in anywhere. I felt a little alien from people. I was into cooking, baking, computer games, romantic novels (not recently though), daydreaming and all very peculiar interests that didn't really made me popular. I was weird, in a way. I didn't like the usual things all boys/guys like. Football, comic books, more football, mischievous endeavours, even more football.

God, football is one of the things i understand and comprehend in a way but i just feel absolutely zero interest in. All those players, teams, coaches, tactics, matches, leagues and all them sweaty stuff just have no place in my mind. I used to feel like it was a bunch of useless crap but i suppose everyone has their own useless crap they like. Football for them. Games and shit for yours truly.

I didn't have many friends but i guess it was okay. I became a bit of a loner. I grew up with this mentality that i was different. I wasn't anything anyone expect from your average Joe.

But deep down, no matter how depressed i got (and i got loads of it), no matter how awkward i felt with people (and it got plenty awkward), i never for a second felt like changing myself for anyone. Well, I'd be lying if i say I'd never tried to fit in. In a stupid effort, i paid my friends if they win a football match at school, sort of like a football club manager. A waste of money now that i see it, but it felt like a good investment. Hahaha. I was basically trying to buy friendship. Dumb kid i was. *sighs at past stupidity*

With time, i learned to accept who i am bad or good, normal or weird, in every way anyone can accept themselves.

I don't know, i guess i am too lazy to change for anyone. But no matter where i go, what i do, i was always me. Not always the same me forever, but the me that adapts and changes with time. The me that learns and thinks for himself. I couldn't fathom any other way of living if i couldn't be me.

I never felt out of my own skin. I guess i learned that you are going to live with yourself, so you better off living with the you that you are comfortable with. The real you. Imagine wearing a pair of shoes that you purposely bought too tight. Makes no sense.

Instead i learned unknowingly the art of masking. I read a saying that we have three masks; one we show in public, one we show with family and friends, and one you show nobody, which is your purest, truest self. And that is how i live. I show people what they want or need. Never more or less. You stay true with yourself without self conflict. Simple.

I guess life is already complicated. There is no need to add to the madness. We are like puzzles. We can make ourselves into whatever shape we choose. Form yourself into a lie and you attach to the wrong people. Form yourself into the truth and you attach with all the right people, who love and care for the real you and inherently want to be real with you. And lies are exhausting and i,for one hand, am too lazy to fake myself for people. One of my friends said that i am a bit of a straightforward person when it comes to things i don't like. Hahaha. If he knew that i was holding back, he would have gone crazy seeing me being truly honest. I could cut people with my tongue. I choose not to.

And it's easy to lose yourself. As things change, you'll have to change too. But never let anything mould you in a way you choose not too. You are the sculptor, not anyone or anything. That is why self confidence is key. You'll tend to pass the tools to form yourself to anything you deem fit when you don't trust yourself. You are a masterpiece. Your own masterpiece. Don't let anyone/anything fuck up your masterpiece. Period.

So, in all, just be yourself goddamit. Easy peasy. To hell with people, they come and go. Remember the real you. True people love you just the way you are. No need for all them 'personality makeup'. You'll look like a clown.

Midnight dreams

"It's three in the morning and i am sitting outside a balcony looking out to the horizon. My Sassy Girl was on the tv just now and i turned it off before it could end. They were just leaving each other for the year and i couldn't bear all those nonsensical bullshit. Yeah, i am a bitter person, you can say that. A victim of cruel circumstance, but that is a little far fetched i suppose.

I watched the movie when i first fell in love, and it was like clouds and candy and all the good things in the world. Now it's all a bunch of garbage. I was a hopeless romantic. I was a dumb kid. I thought love conquered all and if love is true, it will find a way. Naive and stupid, great combination.

And now this heart has stopped cold. I wanted love and got none. So i turned to the next best thing. Lust. Not a great substitute. It made me into something i hate.

And now, as i stare into the dark horizon and hear the soothing sound of crickets in the night, gazing into glowing yellow orbs clustering at the edge of my view, i wonder.

Can i ever love someone as deep and as full of passion and desire as i did then?

You don't know how much i wish it could be. I want to. But as i heard from what (out of all places) a museum curator had to say, "If it's broken, we can put the pieces back together. But if it is obliterated, what can we do?"

A sailboat across a sea of doubts

Hello there,
I had this late night dinner with three of my friends here and we had a deep discussion on loads of topics. Lecturers to OHP's (those things where you can put a clear plastic paper and write shit on and project the image). From annoying relatives to future pursuits.

I love having intense conversations with a small group of people. They are very enlightening. You learn a lot about people and what they know and vice versa. You just sit down and pour your heart and your mind out in the open and letting it flood the people around you and we'll all drown in the depth of our conversation until we can't recall any concept of time. Hahaha, that was a crazy bunch of words. I absolutely love it.

Anyway, as we were talking about university life, lectures and lecturers, dismal CGPA and studying last minute (two things that may correlate), we got to the topic on how the people around us keep pushing us down just because we happened to take biology as our field of study.

God, i can't tell you how much flack we get from it. We all shared the same feeling. My brother once wondered what would i be after my studies. A teacher, he implied. I could give half a fuck anyhow, i know i can be more than half of the things he could imagined (not that a teacher's occupation is a degrading one, i always wanted to be an English/Science teacher)

And my guys all share the same nasty experience. A pesky uncle who just so happened to have 4 perfect children, all in the, what I would say, the big bucks fields i.e doctors, engineers, lawyers, business etc, to misunderstood grandparents who thinks industrial biology means working down an assembly line at a factory.

We get it, biology may not have such flare as those bigshot courses, but give us a break. We don't need any more doubt or condescending thoughts, we get enough from our own selves. And to add insult to injury, some of....well... most of the kids here are not really into biology, they had to take what they got so cut them some slack.

I seem to be not only the only guy but the only person who went into this field of study without a hint of desperation or a tinge of regret. I was like " lmma gonna own this biological shit" since day one and the all of the guys are still regretting or doubting their decision. Well, i can't really blame them, i would be a little bummed out if i got something i didn't like. But hell, don't you guys have some forethought on where your strength lies? I knew from day 1 that i was smart and passionate enough for a science course but not so much so to go into the medical field. So i went and aimed low and high at the same time.

I won't say that i am perfect, i know everything i want to do for the next ten years blablabla. I don't. I just know i should follow my instinct and it says if i want something i should go and get it or i would have to learn to swallow the life of regret if i don't chase my dreams. Simple. I know life is shit and we don't always get what we want, not everybody is as lucky as you, Randy. Yeah, i get that. So make do with what you have and roll with it. We can't stay and mope around. Time's a'wasting. Pick your self up and prove to those motherfuckers that greatness is written for us. It goads us, beckons us to grab it. So go and fucking do it.

Wow, i should be a motivator. Hahaha. One time someone asked me where i get this fiery zeal to motivate. I told them i get down most of the time and i had to learn to motivate myself into doing and being something more than myself.

All in all, i just hope for the people that surround students that take obscure and often very mundane fields of study to cut them some slack. They are having a hard time, stop trying to cut them down to size and feed them to the hounds of absent futures. Even i get a little bummed out and i actually want to learn biology.

And to the ones being chopped, stop them from doing so, goddammit! We have a sovereign duty to acquire success and rub it in the faces of those who dare doubt us! We ain't gonna take shit from no one! Hold your heads high and kick some ass, people! Peace out, bitches.

Resonate

I am feeling an odd mixture of sadness, mildly unhinged and a blast of awe inspiring clarity and shared empathy. Very unusual combination. And, knowing myself a little too well, it all came down to a movie.

As with everything else in my life, i would love to share with you every explicit detail, including what movie i watched just now, but unfortunately i can't. I just can't. The movie was so.... i don't even have the words for it. I can tell you with a decent sense of confidence that there has never been a movie that i have ever saw that resonated with every fiber of my being than the movie just now. It was like staring into a mirror, except it wasn't me.

I know movies are embellished with more than a sprinkle of premeditated fiction, but damn, it was spot on to say the least. I just feel so unnerved watching it. I was....just don't even know what i wanted to say anymore.

People have always prosecuted me for being different and from it, i was conditioned to punish myself even at the silliest mistake.

Could you imagine the burden of unintentionally making a big mistake?

And in all of it I never had a confidant to say all the things i wanted, to say the things that made me angry, or sad, or that made me downright mad as bollocks. I never had anyone who I could share my thoughts and take the pain away. someone to take all the pieces of me and put them back together. It all went bottled up inside. It drove me insane.

At the pinnacle of what i would say the happiest moment of my life, I am haunted by one of my biggest 'mistake' of my life.

I always wondered if it was my fault or His? Because through everything, when a problem arises, people start to point fingers. And i did that too, i wanted someone to point a finger at. "Fucking hell, it was him!!!" I didn't care if it the fault was mine, i just wanted a cause. Something. And i just didn't find any. I realized it was no one's fault. No one made me this way. It was both planned and not. God never wants the worse for us, he just wants the best to shine through. So I stopped finding someone to blame and looked forward.

And after it all, I am just tired. I am hopeful at the thoughts of things will turn around but i know that things can easily go south.

I know all of this don't make much sense, and it doesn't. I am just lost.Well, i know what i want, i just can't have it. And now i have no idea what i am supposed to do. I guess i said before that i always set my mind on the things that i wanted, but when i couldn't get it, i never had a backup plan.

Life is an enigma, i guess. We just need to decipher it properly.

A little while

The cold bitter night grips my senses
The midnight air chilled by showers of passing rain
Clenches and braces my body with a cold that both soothes and awakens
With the winds whirling by, surrounding me in a mist of clarity
Sounds of distant cars fills the deafening empty silence
And the yellow glow of incandescent street lights illuminate my fleeting world

One cannot part the void of night being filled with the depth of contemplation
And after lanes of empty streets and dim glow of distant lights
One can only think of what is this all about
What are we doing and where are we going?
Is this rightly so or so wrongly is?

To tell you the truth, after all this, the truth and lies are more than similar
And to tell them apart takes more than a strong will
But the truth about the truth is that it has more than one way
Just as long as you're headed in the right direction
You are bound to get to the good that you deserve

I've been through my fair share of pain and turmoil
And they are far from being over
But for a moment all of that fades from existence
In that second all the things that made life made sense
And all the pieces fit perfectly

For a moment, I feel God surrounding me, enveloping me
And i look up at the pitch black sky,
Beholding the second that i wish would never pass
Striking me with awe and wonder
That all men seek to have for a lifetime

Briefly, the mess of life ebbs away,
And its essence shown to me,
For a moment all doubt of it disappears
And it stares me in the face
Happiness. Greeting me like a long lost friend

And I held its hands and welcomed it
Though questions of its whereabouts all this while whirls in my head
In silence we keep our understanding
That our paths won't always be the same

But when it crosses, embrace it with calm fervour, we knew
Because we don't know when we'll meet again
So, I held it gently and lovingly
And let it caress my hair and my heart
Invigorating my spirit with vitality

I stare at passing street lights and rustling trees
At the empty curved road
At the people that surrounded me
At cold night atmosphere
Just to have something to place in my dreams

And as soon as it came, it went away
The warm touch gone from thought, but not from memory
And all of it was worth while
All the trials and tribulations
And maybe, just maybe, it is worth it to hold on
For a little while
For an opportunity
Just to see a glimpse of an old friend.

Darkest...

You wanna know something? Something really amusing, coincidental and highly disturbing happened to me yesterday and darn it, i can't even tell you what the hell it was. Ha, not even clues, mind you, cause it will be glaringly obvious to any of my family members, but i think most of them didn't think much about it. But nope, not gonna say a word. But it was, and always be very hysterical when you are a sheep in wolf's clothing because you get to see how people react and think about your sheepy-ness. Hahaha, that's threading on thin ice, but alas I live on the wild side.

If you ask me who i am, I'll probably tell you i don't know or some weird metaphorical bullshit to just fuck with your mind which i just love to do to at least one person daily. But when i say to you i am mad, as in insane chop-a-person's-head kind of mad, i kid you not. Insanity. It is the driving force that pushes me forward in a life that tends to be unbearable most of the time.

My sister once heard me talking to myself (a habit i try to keep under wraps) and told me it was not healthy. Hahaha. I just scoffed her off and told her, "It's a means to an end, dear sister" Though what end, i did not know. See, absolute lunatic.

Well, i guess when your world is chaos, you make do with what you have and proceed with life. I guess I am writing this most likely because I saw Family Weekend (which by the way you should watch) and the chick Emily does just that. Lunacy in the face of adversity. That chick is the queen freak, and so am I, biatch.

And to tell you the truth, i fucking love being insane. I made me one hell of a motherfucker. And pardon the cussing, insane me has no appropriate filter for such.  It made me adaptable, creative, and most of all, a surviver. I know my life may not be worth much, but only by being insane can i ignore all the mental clutter and personal conflicts to see through a day alive.

I kinda promised myself i wouldn't write a melancholic post like before or a perky one like the one i removed before. Because i feel like shit and like gold at time. Mostly shit though. And i want to keep a fragile balance between being mildly happy and being crushed by crippling depression. I think I'm doing okay, i guess. Alright, sue me. Haha.

But i feel like its a phase of some sort. Like all of this is the dusk, and the night is upon me. But i guess it is like people say, it is always darkest before the dawn.

Next time, i'll talk about my top secret project, Project Sever. Wow, sounds like a conspiracy theory. Well, it suits the insane guy role pretty fittingly. Peace out, bitches.

Another day

Hi. It's almost 5 in the morning and i have been late night binge-watching the tv. I watched The Sixth Sense (I see dead people and shit), Afflicted (A docu-movie on how a guy turn into a non-sparkly Edward Cullen, quite nice actually, kinda like Chronicle the way they use video cameras) and a little bit of Dungeon and Dragons: The Book of Vile Darkness (Kinda like LotR, but with a bit of a budget cut, hahaha) and lastly Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer (Do i need to tell you what it's about? The title is a little self-explanatory)

I love watching stuff on the tv, though i wonder why i hate sitting in front of my laptop to watch a movie, unless it's with friends. I guess i like the randomness of television as well as not needing to choose what i want/have to watch. I am born and raised to be acutely indecisive. Hahaha.

I have been planing on going for a jog for aeons. I have been couped up in my home for even longer. I need to get out on do something productive. Why not a guys day out? Wow, that would be awesome! *grunts and spits into a spittoon*

Hahaha. I'll ask the guys if they are free tomorrow or something. We are gonna have so much fun! *giggles girlishly*

In the meantime, i should get some sleep. Bye.

Dear God

Dear God,

I remembered once upon a time, a young boy lived happily in a free and happy world. He smiled at the simplest of pleasures. His remote controlled car, his jumbled up Lego set he kept in a bin, his room filled with glow-in-the-dark plastic stars, his drawings of mountains where the sun would rise at the middle of the valley in between. I remembered him well.

Now, he's all grown up. With experience that scared him, with fear that haunts him, with desires that tests his boundaries. He became something else altogether. I always thought he died somewhere in between all that. A car accident while he was trying to cross the street. Or he fell down the stairs and broke his neck. Maybe he did.

But something tells me that maybe, just maybe, that boy is still alive and kicking. Glimpses of him. His smile, his laughter, the way he loves to make people forget their lives for one moment and take the time to be happy. His love for all the things around him. He lingers on, like a memory of an old vacation you took with your family back when you were just 5 years old.

Do you remember him? Of course You do. I loved him too. But i guess we both can say for sure we haven't seen him around in a long time. But we can't always get what we want. We just take the cards You deal out and make the best of it.

You live a life, not knowing what would happen. Not knowing what lurks at the end of the street, both literally and figuratively. But when you get there, you are always in for a surprise.

You know, i truly don't hate You. To tell You the truth, i thought about it a few times. About wanting to hate You. About wanting to curse the heavens and basically becoming a blasphemous prick. But deep down, i knew i couldn't no matter what. How could you hate someone who always had your back even when you're not looking?

I guess I was right. That kid did survived the long journey down the road. He's out there, somewhere. Smiling his way up a new corner of a street. He loved You, even if he didn't understood that much at the time. I'm still thinking he still don't know much about You. But he trusted and believed in You. And You haven't proved him wrong.

So l guess I just have to go find him and make amends. He loves You, and so do I. For now, l guess that should be enough. Till then, I'll just stare at the ceiling, waiting for those stars to shine again.