A sailboat across a sea of doubts

Hello there,
I had this late night dinner with three of my friends here and we had a deep discussion on loads of topics. Lecturers to OHP's (those things where you can put a clear plastic paper and write shit on and project the image). From annoying relatives to future pursuits.

I love having intense conversations with a small group of people. They are very enlightening. You learn a lot about people and what they know and vice versa. You just sit down and pour your heart and your mind out in the open and letting it flood the people around you and we'll all drown in the depth of our conversation until we can't recall any concept of time. Hahaha, that was a crazy bunch of words. I absolutely love it.

Anyway, as we were talking about university life, lectures and lecturers, dismal CGPA and studying last minute (two things that may correlate), we got to the topic on how the people around us keep pushing us down just because we happened to take biology as our field of study.

God, i can't tell you how much flack we get from it. We all shared the same feeling. My brother once wondered what would i be after my studies. A teacher, he implied. I could give half a fuck anyhow, i know i can be more than half of the things he could imagined (not that a teacher's occupation is a degrading one, i always wanted to be an English/Science teacher)

And my guys all share the same nasty experience. A pesky uncle who just so happened to have 4 perfect children, all in the, what I would say, the big bucks fields i.e doctors, engineers, lawyers, business etc, to misunderstood grandparents who thinks industrial biology means working down an assembly line at a factory.

We get it, biology may not have such flare as those bigshot courses, but give us a break. We don't need any more doubt or condescending thoughts, we get enough from our own selves. And to add insult to injury, some of....well... most of the kids here are not really into biology, they had to take what they got so cut them some slack.

I seem to be not only the only guy but the only person who went into this field of study without a hint of desperation or a tinge of regret. I was like " lmma gonna own this biological shit" since day one and the all of the guys are still regretting or doubting their decision. Well, i can't really blame them, i would be a little bummed out if i got something i didn't like. But hell, don't you guys have some forethought on where your strength lies? I knew from day 1 that i was smart and passionate enough for a science course but not so much so to go into the medical field. So i went and aimed low and high at the same time.

I won't say that i am perfect, i know everything i want to do for the next ten years blablabla. I don't. I just know i should follow my instinct and it says if i want something i should go and get it or i would have to learn to swallow the life of regret if i don't chase my dreams. Simple. I know life is shit and we don't always get what we want, not everybody is as lucky as you, Randy. Yeah, i get that. So make do with what you have and roll with it. We can't stay and mope around. Time's a'wasting. Pick your self up and prove to those motherfuckers that greatness is written for us. It goads us, beckons us to grab it. So go and fucking do it.

Wow, i should be a motivator. Hahaha. One time someone asked me where i get this fiery zeal to motivate. I told them i get down most of the time and i had to learn to motivate myself into doing and being something more than myself.

All in all, i just hope for the people that surround students that take obscure and often very mundane fields of study to cut them some slack. They are having a hard time, stop trying to cut them down to size and feed them to the hounds of absent futures. Even i get a little bummed out and i actually want to learn biology.

And to the ones being chopped, stop them from doing so, goddammit! We have a sovereign duty to acquire success and rub it in the faces of those who dare doubt us! We ain't gonna take shit from no one! Hold your heads high and kick some ass, people! Peace out, bitches.

Resonate

I am feeling an odd mixture of sadness, mildly unhinged and a blast of awe inspiring clarity and shared empathy. Very unusual combination. And, knowing myself a little too well, it all came down to a movie.

As with everything else in my life, i would love to share with you every explicit detail, including what movie i watched just now, but unfortunately i can't. I just can't. The movie was so.... i don't even have the words for it. I can tell you with a decent sense of confidence that there has never been a movie that i have ever saw that resonated with every fiber of my being than the movie just now. It was like staring into a mirror, except it wasn't me.

I know movies are embellished with more than a sprinkle of premeditated fiction, but damn, it was spot on to say the least. I just feel so unnerved watching it. I was....just don't even know what i wanted to say anymore.

People have always prosecuted me for being different and from it, i was conditioned to punish myself even at the silliest mistake.

Could you imagine the burden of unintentionally making a big mistake?

And in all of it I never had a confidant to say all the things i wanted, to say the things that made me angry, or sad, or that made me downright mad as bollocks. I never had anyone who I could share my thoughts and take the pain away. someone to take all the pieces of me and put them back together. It all went bottled up inside. It drove me insane.

At the pinnacle of what i would say the happiest moment of my life, I am haunted by one of my biggest 'mistake' of my life.

I always wondered if it was my fault or His? Because through everything, when a problem arises, people start to point fingers. And i did that too, i wanted someone to point a finger at. "Fucking hell, it was him!!!" I didn't care if it the fault was mine, i just wanted a cause. Something. And i just didn't find any. I realized it was no one's fault. No one made me this way. It was both planned and not. God never wants the worse for us, he just wants the best to shine through. So I stopped finding someone to blame and looked forward.

And after it all, I am just tired. I am hopeful at the thoughts of things will turn around but i know that things can easily go south.

I know all of this don't make much sense, and it doesn't. I am just lost.Well, i know what i want, i just can't have it. And now i have no idea what i am supposed to do. I guess i said before that i always set my mind on the things that i wanted, but when i couldn't get it, i never had a backup plan.

Life is an enigma, i guess. We just need to decipher it properly.

A little while

The cold bitter night grips my senses
The midnight air chilled by showers of passing rain
Clenches and braces my body with a cold that both soothes and awakens
With the winds whirling by, surrounding me in a mist of clarity
Sounds of distant cars fills the deafening empty silence
And the yellow glow of incandescent street lights illuminate my fleeting world

One cannot part the void of night being filled with the depth of contemplation
And after lanes of empty streets and dim glow of distant lights
One can only think of what is this all about
What are we doing and where are we going?
Is this rightly so or so wrongly is?

To tell you the truth, after all this, the truth and lies are more than similar
And to tell them apart takes more than a strong will
But the truth about the truth is that it has more than one way
Just as long as you're headed in the right direction
You are bound to get to the good that you deserve

I've been through my fair share of pain and turmoil
And they are far from being over
But for a moment all of that fades from existence
In that second all the things that made life made sense
And all the pieces fit perfectly

For a moment, I feel God surrounding me, enveloping me
And i look up at the pitch black sky,
Beholding the second that i wish would never pass
Striking me with awe and wonder
That all men seek to have for a lifetime

Briefly, the mess of life ebbs away,
And its essence shown to me,
For a moment all doubt of it disappears
And it stares me in the face
Happiness. Greeting me like a long lost friend

And I held its hands and welcomed it
Though questions of its whereabouts all this while whirls in my head
In silence we keep our understanding
That our paths won't always be the same

But when it crosses, embrace it with calm fervour, we knew
Because we don't know when we'll meet again
So, I held it gently and lovingly
And let it caress my hair and my heart
Invigorating my spirit with vitality

I stare at passing street lights and rustling trees
At the empty curved road
At the people that surrounded me
At cold night atmosphere
Just to have something to place in my dreams

And as soon as it came, it went away
The warm touch gone from thought, but not from memory
And all of it was worth while
All the trials and tribulations
And maybe, just maybe, it is worth it to hold on
For a little while
For an opportunity
Just to see a glimpse of an old friend.