My sleeping pattern have been ever the more erratic as the holidays progresses. Now i sleep at 5 and wake at 2,go figure. Every night,i would begin my sleeping ritual. First,i would turn on the air conditioner and fan simultaneously so that the room cools faster.Then,i would go downstairs and drink pretty much three gallons of water. After that,i'll head upstairs,making sure the doors are locked and lights are off. I will then roll in my bed,with the lights off and usually the fan too,or i'll just lower it to the lowest possible setting if it's kinda hot.I like it dark,it makes it easier to sleep,and to picture you dreams coming to life. Only then i'll get up and go to the bathroom,to relieve myself. I hate going anywhere cause it disturbs this ritual and i can never get to sleep.
After all of that,i'll lie in bed,and start to sing. I know how that sounds,but its the truth.I'll just choose whatever song i have in my phone and just...well,sing. I do prefer calm,slow song rather than screamo's (which i have none) to get into the sleeping mood.Usually 5 songs or more,but no one's counting anyway. Just to test my vocals for my debut in Mentor or whatever you guys watch these days (I pretty much hate those shows).Once my mom caught me singing while i was in bed because she was working with the computer outside and i just felt so,so stupid.
Then,i will wrestle the blanket to find the perfect cover-to-not-cover ratio in which the dilemma of which part of the body to cover or not begins.After all that only then i slip into unconsciousness and to where i belong,dead.
But,over the past few months, I've added a new routine.Before i slip into that unconsciousness,I'll think of the best thing that ever happen to me or the one thing i want the most. I'll just picture it in my head and let it fill. I think of it materializing and i wish it would come true.I think about you.
I used to do that,even after i told you,but now i can't even do anything without thinking of you.Now i basically skip half of the routine and just force myself to sleep,even that is impossible,i just sleep due to exhaustion. I can't even sing,and that's usually a bad omen for me.
I'll just go over and over our non-existent call that you didn't pick up.
"Well...hi. Thanks for picking up. Well,i won't keep you up,i'll just get straight to the point. I don't know why are you acting like this.I know its because of what i told you,but...i just don't know. Maybe it's because you think i know too much or need time to heal your wounded heart or your heart already belongs to someone else,or you just fucking hate me.I don't know. Why can't you tell me? Why won't you talk to me? I value our friendship,and i can't just let it go away,without me trying to save it.
I told you the reason that i told you that i liked you is because i wanted to be truthful to you.All of that was true.But i also wanted to tell you because i vowed,at the very least,to let know how i felt before you go away,before you had someone else,so that i had the assurance that i did what i could,that i would not regret to have let you go,that i'd done all i could.
If you think that what I've done is so vile,heinous and sinful,then go on with your silence.But if you still value our friendship as much as i do,if you still have an ounce of care for me,then i hope you can still be my friend. I won't lie to you that i may always have feelings for you,but i believe love can only exist when the feeling is mutual.
So that's all that i wanted to say.You can either hang up or say something."
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