Movie buff

Someone asked me what inspires me the most to write and i said love. And that's true, it did made me write. But just now after watching a movie, funnily though, i realized what inspires me to write even more.

Movies.

Most of the post I write here, whether i post it or not, is after I watch a movie. There is a lot of stuff that i write that I don't publish because some people may not understand, some are depressing and there is some that are too painful to even think about. I tried to let people understand how I feel inside. It is not pretty. It's hard to see through the eyes of people who are depressed i guess. Sometimes when you're sad, you just forget that there is anything such as happiness.

It is not something I'd wish on anyone. And those people just get paranoid, always seeing every melancholic word I say as if it is suicide attempt. They are mostly right. But I don't want people to just see me sad. I want them to pull me out of it. Distract me from it. Not to just make it more obvious for me to see how screwed up I am.  Me being the type of person that over-think everything makes this condition much worse.

I realize that this is deviating from the subject but I just wanted to say something.

Well, back to where we were.

Movies. Yeah, it seems i write a lot after movies. This blog was reinvigorated after I watched How to Train Your Dragon. I wrote stuff, or at least tried (sometimes i was just a tad bit too lazy) after I watched Front of The Class (nice movie, come to think of it), Wolverine, The Curious Case of Benjamin Button and a whole lot more maybe without me even noticing it.

To me, movies are just a bitter-sweet thing. I love it because when i get into a movie, I just lose myself in it. I always think as movies being real, like other parallel universes that happen but we just don't know because we are stuck in this universe. But I hate it because when it's over it's like snatching me off life support. And I get stuck with bitter old me.

The one I watched just now was Source Code. It was nice. (I can never tell when movies are bad. I guess I like every and any kind of movies)

And I got this feeling at the pit of my stomach. I knew this feeling because I felt it before.

It was longing.

At the end of the movie, the guy saves the day and gets a second chance at life. And I want that. I want to be more than myself and get a another chance.I wanted to be anybody else but me. And I just feel so.... angry at myself for what I am, for wanting something that is impossible to attain and for thinking so lowly of myself.

And I get tired of this body, this life, and yes, i know this sounds all dreary and melancholic, but it is how I feel, and i told myself that I would say how I feel in here because I would not say it anywhere else or to anyone. God, I get so scared of causing distress in people about what I feel that I feel guilty just mentioning it.

*sigh*

See how messed up I am?

Sometimes I just lose faith in myself, where nothing I do seem to matter, where I never seem to matter. During those days, I'll just lie in my bed and drown myself in tears. I once told my friend that men don't cry, they can't. Well, either I'm an exception or I am not a man. Go figure.

But there are days when I hold on to hope. Where I wake up and look in the mirror and think, "Well, I think that's good enough for me."

I guess, to put it into perspective, life is just like a movie.
Beginning. Ending. Climaxes. Plot twists.
You just have to continue watching to see what happens next