It's nearly 5 a.m. and i am basically dead tired. Late night TV watching. Oh well. I never get to watch the TV back at UTM. And i blog better at the dead of night. Like seriously, i wrote the title for this thing at 5 in the evening and here i am, just starting to write something. God, i just loath blogging now. I used to love it. But now it's becoming a testament to what i can or cannot write.
The truth is, i love writing about what i feel. When i'm angry, i rant. When i'm depressed, i get melancholic. It has always been the way i deal with what i feel. A channel where i tell all the things i want people to know, about how i feel. As i grow, it grows with me.
But lately...well, it's been actually a growing problem but it's more apparent now than ever, I stand at an impasse. A problem of cataclysmic proportions. Not exaggerating this one bit. Maybe just a tiny bit, but that's negligible. And i can't say a word about it.
I know, i know, it's kinda redundant. Not saying anything about something kinda already said something about that something. Let's just say i can't say it per se. Why can't i say it out loud? Most importantly,it is for my safety. I even promised my imaginary friends (bear with this crazy person for a tad bit longer) that i wouldn't do anything compromising my safety in any way. And secondly, for the safety of all those around me. Yes, you. I got lazy at writing in my blog because of you. I know how it sounds but humans are complex creatures, and me being a more complex person in general and adding an apocalyptic nuisance doesn't make me much more approachable nor likable.
What kind of problem you may ask? Stop right there. Don't push it, buddy. To tell you the truth...
(God, so many truth in just one post, might as well just scream it out loud)
I am an open book really. Push me hard enough and i just might tell you anything and everything. One friend told me i was mysterious and vague. Girl, that just mean you haven't pushed hard enough. Although, if you did push me hard enough, i might just run away like th...anyway, yeah, that.
The problem, to put it simply, is that all throughout my life, i have always done things with the way i feel. Hell, this blog is a fucking testament to me doing things the way i feel like it. But now, it has come to my attention that doing this may have its repercussions.
A conflict between what i feel against what is right.
That is as close i can get towards not saying it verbatim. And i'll leave your wandering minds to speculate and digest on that. But please, do it with respect for me. And be gentle as well as clandestine with your thoughts.
*sigh*
I guess we all will have this moment where everything we stood for, at the very least, everything we said and believed we stood for will be put to the test. But damn it, God, i didn't know this was going to be on the test.
I was born with this defect in my intestines (long story) that would have killed me if it wasn't for my parents paying for a life saving operation. Now, after all the shit i've been through, i thought....they shouldn't have done it. I would have died and be free from what i think is the most hardest fight i will ever face and it would require a force that would obliterate me to go down any path i choose.
Now, all the investment they have put in me is basically hanging by a thread. And me writing this post is basically rubbing a knife on that thread. Those knives that used to cut bread with its teeth, i like those. Random sidenote. Give me a break, i am trying to lighten things up here. This is such a serious post.
Well, that's basically it. That is why i haven't been writing lately. Ta-da. This thing takes a lot of my thinking capacity that writing just doesn't seem fun anymore. All i can hope for is for God to give me the strength to overcome this perverse adversity that He himself made (I'm sorry about that. I'm thankful for everything, please don't smite me) and not fucking up my life too much on the way. So, pray for me and for more decent and consistent writings from yours truly.
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