Resonate

I am feeling an odd mixture of sadness, mildly unhinged and a blast of awe inspiring clarity and shared empathy. Very unusual combination. And, knowing myself a little too well, it all came down to a movie.

As with everything else in my life, i would love to share with you every explicit detail, including what movie i watched just now, but unfortunately i can't. I just can't. The movie was so.... i don't even have the words for it. I can tell you with a decent sense of confidence that there has never been a movie that i have ever saw that resonated with every fiber of my being than the movie just now. It was like staring into a mirror, except it wasn't me.

I know movies are embellished with more than a sprinkle of premeditated fiction, but damn, it was spot on to say the least. I just feel so unnerved watching it. I was....just don't even know what i wanted to say anymore.

People have always prosecuted me for being different and from it, i was conditioned to punish myself even at the silliest mistake.

Could you imagine the burden of unintentionally making a big mistake?

And in all of it I never had a confidant to say all the things i wanted, to say the things that made me angry, or sad, or that made me downright mad as bollocks. I never had anyone who I could share my thoughts and take the pain away. someone to take all the pieces of me and put them back together. It all went bottled up inside. It drove me insane.

At the pinnacle of what i would say the happiest moment of my life, I am haunted by one of my biggest 'mistake' of my life.

I always wondered if it was my fault or His? Because through everything, when a problem arises, people start to point fingers. And i did that too, i wanted someone to point a finger at. "Fucking hell, it was him!!!" I didn't care if it the fault was mine, i just wanted a cause. Something. And i just didn't find any. I realized it was no one's fault. No one made me this way. It was both planned and not. God never wants the worse for us, he just wants the best to shine through. So I stopped finding someone to blame and looked forward.

And after it all, I am just tired. I am hopeful at the thoughts of things will turn around but i know that things can easily go south.

I know all of this don't make much sense, and it doesn't. I am just lost.Well, i know what i want, i just can't have it. And now i have no idea what i am supposed to do. I guess i said before that i always set my mind on the things that i wanted, but when i couldn't get it, i never had a backup plan.

Life is an enigma, i guess. We just need to decipher it properly.