My Sun

I've been in UTM for about two weeks now and it has been a blast...well, more or less. Adapting takes time. I've met new people that i know will guide me to become a better version of myself, and i just love learning biology, it's what i'm most passionate about. Life. And not to mention I'm doing it for free.

But I am far away from home. From my family. From my mom. I'd hate to admit but sometimes, mostly at night, I miss my mom. I used to go to my mom's room and lie down next to her and just watch her sleep. I know, and I may have even shed a tear or two here, but i wouldn't admit it. Call me a momma's boy, and I take that as a honorific title.

I love my mom. She's my sun. Burning brightly for her children. She sacrificed so many things for me. She risked her life to give me mine. She gave away her money for an operation to save my life. Her blood, sweat and tears raised me to become the person I am today.

I had a moment of realization a few days ago. My name means acceptance. From the root word redha. And i just put it together why she may have named me that. She lost one of her children that was very young. I think she was my sister. I always wanted to know what happened but i never had the courage to ask. Anyway, I came after my unknown sister passed, and i guess she accepted me and everything that happened to her as fate. Woah, very mind blowing stuff.

Actually, the main reason i wanted to write this is because i have a confession to make. When i was preparing to go to university, i was excited mostly because i was getting out of that house. To get away from everything. Including my mom. I'm sorry. I am so sorry.

Why? As much as it was my home., it wasn't. It became a torture chamber. I had to see all the people i love being frustrated and tired as our co-existence took a toll on us. Money became our leash, tugging and choking our lives. We became torn apart by the things that kept us together.

And my mom led us against everything. Against debt. Against my father. (that's a story for another time) And I was just tired. I just wanted to get away from the problems that surrounded us, that hounded us. So i ran. I took my only chance of escape and I abandoned her. Damn.

I know what you might think, i was going away to study, i shouldn't blame myself, but i do blame myself. I did came here to study, with the benefit of being far away from home. Being with her is like getting closer to the sun. The closer you are, the more you burn. But the further you are, the more you'll yearn. I know, it rhymes.

*sigh*

Sometimes i close my eyes and pretend i am lying next to her, in her dark room glowed by the light from her bathroom, with the sound of the fan and her breathing ringing in my ears. I lay there, wondering about the choices i've made and the things i've done. And look at her peacefully sleeping, and be comforted by her even without her being awake. She is God's gift to me. And I will love, sacrifice and give my everything for her. I know i am not perfect, but sometimes it's stupid to be perfect. I just want to be enough. I just want to make her proud. I just want to be her son.