Night

I love the night. And i love watching tv shows at night. My favourite midnight tv binge is either NCIS or Bones. But i abso-fucking-lutly love Bones a little too much. It's like...i just love watching Emily Deschanel and David Boreanaz together. They make the perfect couple. Ahhhh, one's a tough, witty and funny FBI agent while the other is a smart, awkward, strictly-no-bullshit anthropologist slash partner in solving crime. I could just marry them both, which i know sounds very weird but that's how much i am in love with them. Hahaha. They just have this opposites attract kinda thing going on and i just want that to happen to me.

*sigh*

Though the main reason i love the night is because there's no one up. I can be free to do what i want. And no one's there to judge me or look at me weirdly when i jump up and down like a madman when they both be all romantic and shit. Yeah, i do that all the time watching them, deal with it.

I am just free. Free from things that i have to keep secret just because i have to to seem appropriate. I can do whatever the fuck i want and no one's there to make me feel like i am not good enough, like i am worth nothing, that I will never be anything but a miserable piece of shit.

*an even louder sigh*

Sorry about the cursing. I had a little thing happened to me today and it's been making me feel like shit. People don't understand and they never will. I feel like screaming and pulling out my fucking hair or something just to add to my dramatic-ness. I am just not perfect and never will be. And just because i may not seem holy or shit that does not mean i love God any less.

To tell you the truth, i absolutely love Him. I have my imperfections and stuff but i truly do love Him. He was the one that protected me all this while. He was there when my cries where unheard by human ears. He was the one that carried me on through days that i couldn't bare to stand.

People made me question the only person that i could trust. Myself. Then they left me alone

And, as we are being blunt, i even contemplated suicide once, or twice, because the pain was no longer bearable. I planned it all in my head. I didn't care about anyone else or anything in this world. But because of Him, i held back. I realized that this life was not mine, It was His and only He had the right to claim it, not me. And because of that, I loved Him.

He guided a lost soul back on the right path. And I will always I love him more than anything in this world.

I know who i am, more than i care to. I have so many inner demons inside me that i am losing this battle, My battle. And as the days grow dim, and everyone turning their backs and their blind eyes to me, He has never forsaken me. Not for a second. And for that i still stand, to fight on for another day. So yeah, i may not be His most pious servant but do not ever dare say anything against me and God. Everyone has their own battle and i always try to see it from their side of things.

And on my parents, they may have not been perfect but i have never wished ill on them, both of them, and will never do. And on the occasions that i pray, i pray for both of them. Even though my dad may not be the best one in the world I haven't done anything to intentionally hurt him. I pray that he finds the right path again and becomes the leader we need. I love him, though maybe not as much as my mom, sorry about that. But i do, and i pray that heaven not only be their permanent abode, that it beckons them both to enter. So, sorry for the one thing that i did unintentionally to hurt him. Maybe i am bad, who the fuck knows anyway. But one thing for sure is that I am not perfect, and i will never be. You and I will just have to deal with that fact in our own way.


*one super relieved sigh*

I know it seems all jumbled up and non-linear and stuff, but it all matters to me, and i had to get that of my chest. Wow, now i do seem like i am mad, but i am just confused and frustrated and angry, at the world and at myself. Good thing i am sane enough to not go on a killing spree. Life is hard being me. Or anyone else for that matter. But we keep our heads held high and keep on fighting, right?

And I know how it seems, what does all of this have to do with late night tv watching anyway? Only at night can i think straight enough to enjoy the company of one of the most important people in my life. I can tend to his wound and cheer him up when he gets down. I make him laugh and cry and let him feel all his emotions and let him know it is alright to feel the way he feels, because that is just how the way life goes. I bring him all together and make him see himself as not not a broken person, but a person who is constantly being better than before.

Only at night can i enjoy the company of my own self.